Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Not sure if this is the right place...
I love my boyfriend but I'm not sure if its enough. My mom doesn't like him and neither does my little brother. My family is important to me and I really do trust their judgment. Overall I do love our relationship but there are a few things that sort of bug me about our relationship.
He is a very emotionally oriented person where I have problems talking about my feelings. He is constantly wanting to know how I feel and if I try to talk about something else he automatically assumes something is wrong. When I do express my feelings, because I am open about them, it is difficult for me to talk about them, he seems to have trouble relating to the situation, as if he just wants me to hurry up and get over whatever the problem is so I can be happy only its not that simple. I have several stressors in my life... trying to heal from being raped and abused as a child, several family members have been critically injured in the past year, several other family members have been in and out of the hospital, and I've had my great grandmother pass away. I've had a long tough year and its hard because there isn't necessarily anything I can do to make the situation better. My boyfriend will ask me what he can do, and when I say, just be there to listen, he gets upset because he can't do more. I feel like I spend a lot of time trying to make him feel better when I'm the one that is hurting, which encourages me to hide my feelings from him at times.
We've been together a little over a year and he already wants to discuss marriage and moving in together and I am not ready for that. I don't think he is emotionally ready to get married either because I feel the only reason he wants to get married is because he'll think I won't leave. He is constantly telling me I'm beautiful, or that there are tons of better guys out there, that I deserve better, and a number of other things. I feel like my reassurances don't matter because he just needs to hear how much I love him, care, or how great he is. He'll reply that he'll make himself better for me, lose weight, get in shape, be smarter, get a great job out of college, etc. I never know what to say and I feel like he wants to make himself better so I'll be more open to the discussion of marriage. I've told him repeatedly that it makes me uncomfortable but he still tries to push the subject. I can't remember the hast time a day went by without him talking about marriage. Its exhausting and depressing to have to tell him no each time and hear the heartbreak in his voice.
Generally when I push him to change the subject he will start talking about us moving together. I'm also hesitant for us to move in together because I question why he wants to. I'm not sure if he wants to move in together because its the healthy natural progression of a relationship or if its a sign of his insecurity and he wants to do it because he feels it will be harder for me to leave if we move in together. He has never really had a relationship as long as the one we've had and I've had a longer relationship before this one so I'm scared that we aren't going to work out, even though I'd like us to work out our issues so we can stay together.
As I said earlier I've been under a lot of stress, I'm still coping with childhood trauma, and a number of other things. Is it just that I've been so stressed out why were having problems, or is the stress just making me more aware of things I've overlooked for so long? I think part of the reason I'm with him is because he loves and accepts me despite all of my emotional baggage and mood swings. With everything going on, I'm not sure if I am in the right present mind to have a serious relationship right now.
I love my boyfriend but I'm not sure if its enough. My mom doesn't like him and neither does my little brother. My family is important to me and I really do trust their judgment. Overall I do love our relationship but there are a few things that sort of bug me about our relationship.
He is a very emotionally oriented person where I have problems talking about my feelings. He is constantly wanting to know how I feel and if I try to talk about something else he automatically assumes something is wrong. When I do express my feelings, because I am open about them, it is difficult for me to talk about them, he seems to have trouble relating to the situation, as if he just wants me to hurry up and get over whatever the problem is so I can be happy only its not that simple. I have several stressors in my life... trying to heal from being raped and abused as a child, several family members have been critically injured in the past year, several other family members have been in and out of the hospital, and I've had my great grandmother pass away. I've had a long tough year and its hard because there isn't necessarily anything I can do to make the situation better. My boyfriend will ask me what he can do, and when I say, just be there to listen, he gets upset because he can't do more. I feel like I spend a lot of time trying to make him feel better when I'm the one that is hurting, which encourages me to hide my feelings from him at times.
We've been together a little over a year and he already wants to discuss marriage and moving in together and I am not ready for that. I don't think he is emotionally ready to get married either because I feel the only reason he wants to get married is because he'll think I won't leave. He is constantly telling me I'm beautiful, or that there are tons of better guys out there, that I deserve better, and a number of other things. I feel like my reassurances don't matter because he just needs to hear how much I love him, care, or how great he is. He'll reply that he'll make himself better for me, lose weight, get in shape, be smarter, get a great job out of college, etc. I never know what to say and I feel like he wants to make himself better so I'll be more open to the discussion of marriage. I've told him repeatedly that it makes me uncomfortable but he still tries to push the subject. I can't remember the hast time a day went by without him talking about marriage. Its exhausting and depressing to have to tell him no each time and hear the heartbreak in his voice.
Generally when I push him to change the subject he will start talking about us moving together. I'm also hesitant for us to move in together because I question why he wants to. I'm not sure if he wants to move in together because its the healthy natural progression of a relationship or if its a sign of his insecurity and he wants to do it because he feels it will be harder for me to leave if we move in together. He has never really had a relationship as long as the one we've had and I've had a longer relationship before this one so I'm scared that we aren't going to work out, even though I'd like us to work out our issues so we can stay together.
As I said earlier I've been under a lot of stress, I'm still coping with childhood trauma, and a number of other things. Is it just that I've been so stressed out why were having problems, or is the stress just making me more aware of things I've overlooked for so long? I think part of the reason I'm with him is because he loves and accepts me despite all of my emotional baggage and mood swings. With everything going on, I'm not sure if I am in the right present mind to have a serious relationship right now.
After reading your post, I think I've been selfish. It really stung to read that you didn't think I cared about him.... I re-read what I typed and understand how you could have assumed that. I really do love him and I want everything to be perfect because I feel like our relationship is the one area in my life I have control over!
I think I miss aspects of the friendship we had before our serious relationship. I miss late nights spending time with him where we just talk about anything and everything. I wish we weren't as physical and had more fun together instead of being so serious all the time. I have a lot going on and I don't want to constantly talk about it, when we were friends he used to get me to laugh so I'd forget about my problems for a little while and feel better after I'd seen him.
I think I've realized its my fault we've been having problems because I haven't been as open as I should have been about how I felt. I've talked with him and I think we've worked things out.