Healthy Relationships Support Group
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So, I'm having a really hard time. My boyfriend and I are now broken up because I told a lie when I first met him.
He asked me if a current friend and I had ever been "involved" and in fear of him not being okay with the friendship I said "no". I feel and have felt such regret, but I knew that my friendship with this person would fizzle - I knew that since we were no longer involved (which was short lived - literally 5 days) - we'd drift. We were too different. Our only common ground was depression and a rough childhood past. I didn't want to just cut him out - it would have felt wrong. I hated lying, but I tried to tell myself it was harmless. Now, my lie has possibly ruined my relationship.
He found out and now thinks i might not be the person I am. I completely understand his point of view. I get it. I tarnished the trust with that single lie. I feel so upset with myself because I am not unfaithful and I have caused him to question that - and he is having trouble trusting me. I understand, but at the same time I know in my heart that nothing has happened and have no way to prove otherwise. Like I predicted our contact dwindled and I don't even talk to this guy anymore. I feel horrible on so many levels.
Additionally, I sit here upset because I think of how many men and women are out there doing these very acts of unfaithfulness, etc and not getting caught or dealing with consequences and then here I am, not guilty of infidelity and dealing with the consequences as though I was guilty.
If there is any positive - i think its more of a trust issue rather than him really thinking I did anything (cheating), but he needs to be alone and not in a relationship for a while now. He can't say it's definitely over, and he'll remain friends, but he can't say it will work either. I feel really awkward in how to handle this. He went as far as to bring back all of my stuff that was at his house - yet, we hung out today and went shopping.
I'm used to handling being alone in a very unhealthy way. I don't get healthy ways of handling many things in regards to relationships. Perhaps his response is a healthy one - stepping away in respect for us both and trying to see if he can regain trust. Maybe I'm just focusing too much on the negative. Either way it hurts. I'm a mess and it sucks to know that A) I *am* the same person. and B) I didn't do anything unfaithful. It was purely friendship level contact. No feelings, nothing. I can't prove that though. Only know in my heart and ....have faith? That the truth will prevail.
PS - When I say I didn't do anything unfaithful - I'm not trying to minimize the fact that I lied. I am very much aware that that was a mistake on my part.
He asked me if a current friend and I had ever been "involved" and in fear of him not being okay with the friendship I said "no". I feel and have felt such regret, but I knew that my friendship with this person would fizzle - I knew that since we were no longer involved (which was short lived - literally 5 days) - we'd drift. We were too different. Our only common ground was depression and a rough childhood past. I didn't want to just cut him out - it would have felt wrong. I hated lying, but I tried to tell myself it was harmless. Now, my lie has possibly ruined my relationship.
He found out and now thinks i might not be the person I am. I completely understand his point of view. I get it. I tarnished the trust with that single lie. I feel so upset with myself because I am not unfaithful and I have caused him to question that - and he is having trouble trusting me. I understand, but at the same time I know in my heart that nothing has happened and have no way to prove otherwise. Like I predicted our contact dwindled and I don't even talk to this guy anymore. I feel horrible on so many levels.
Additionally, I sit here upset because I think of how many men and women are out there doing these very acts of unfaithfulness, etc and not getting caught or dealing with consequences and then here I am, not guilty of infidelity and dealing with the consequences as though I was guilty.
If there is any positive - i think its more of a trust issue rather than him really thinking I did anything (cheating), but he needs to be alone and not in a relationship for a while now. He can't say it's definitely over, and he'll remain friends, but he can't say it will work either. I feel really awkward in how to handle this. He went as far as to bring back all of my stuff that was at his house - yet, we hung out today and went shopping.
I'm used to handling being alone in a very unhealthy way. I don't get healthy ways of handling many things in regards to relationships. Perhaps his response is a healthy one - stepping away in respect for us both and trying to see if he can regain trust. Maybe I'm just focusing too much on the negative. Either way it hurts. I'm a mess and it sucks to know that A) I *am* the same person. and B) I didn't do anything unfaithful. It was purely friendship level contact. No feelings, nothing. I can't prove that though. Only know in my heart and ....have faith? That the truth will prevail.
PS - When I say I didn't do anything unfaithful - I'm not trying to minimize the fact that I lied. I am very much aware that that was a mistake on my part.
And, last but not least, if this one little indescretion turned your boyfriend so utterly away from you, he was never really fully 'there' with you in the first place. If he really cared about you as a true, in-love boyfriend, he would have asked why you hid the truth and have been willing to talk about your fear of sharing. I believe he used this situation as a doorway 'out' and I'm really, sorry it has hurt you so badly.
Try to take all these lessons with you as you move forward. We all have to learn the hard way to make the future better :O)
I will say that I don't like taking the stance of - "If he really cared about you as a true, in-love boyfriend, he would have asked why you hid the truth and have been willing to talk about your fear of sharing. I believe he used this situation as a doorway 'out' and I'm really, sorry it has hurt you so badly. "
My reasoning is - I can't say what he is feeling and by planting those thoughts, I only create a story in my head that may or may-not be true. It's possible that he too has some issues and is just plain handling this the wrong way. It's possible it's *not* a reflection of him wanting out. We're still friends and I'm still in touch with his family. It may not last, sure, but I just am trying to teach myself not to create reasons why someone did something - its not fair to me or to that person. It's so second nature for me to do that too and that was my thought process, too. He must have wanted out and this was his easy way out. I just have to fight trying to make sense of it and have more of an - it is what it is- attitude. He's a good person and I don't want to assume he'd handle things that way.
Honestly, this situation has had such a ripple effect because he has known i lied since May and didn't want to confront it. He wanted me to eventually admit it. I have been sensing something off for the past several months, and this has caused friction. It's hard to even break down all the details in one post - I'm sure anyone could relate.
EllieElle, we have been together 9 months.
My biggest thing was needing to vent and get it out of me - I'm also just so confused on how to act. I mean, I felt comfortable shopping, but I'm used to having no "boundaries" - meaning, we hung out for the entire weekend. Now I need to ... treat things like a friendship - how? How do you get there? Its hard to know where the line of friendship and boyfriend is drawn when you "once were". Aside from the obvious - sleeping together, sex.
I will say that I don't like taking the stance of - "If he really cared about you as a true, in-love boyfriend, he would have asked why you hid the truth and have been willing to talk about your fear of sharing. I believe he used this situation as a doorway 'out' and I'm really, sorry it has hurt you so badly. "
I just instantly said to myself - oh my, yesss, that's what he's doing.... and then I stopped myself because I have hurt unnecessarily in the past from making assumptions based on my belief system & thought processes. We're all individual and handle things differently.
I do, however, value your input and appreciate you taking the time to respond and tell me your thoughts. :) Thank you.
Does the other guy have a reputation of having STDs or something??
I also don't understand why you are falling all over yourself with guilt.
Besides.. you told the lie when you just met?? Sounds like your boyfriend just wants out of the relationship and he is using this as an excuse.
Don't let him make you feel bad about not telling him..True.. you shouldn't have been afraid to tell him in the first place.
You dated another guy for 5 days before you met him.. what is the big deal??
Who deemed you boyfriend judge and jury of how you should have acted in life?
I would tell him.. yeah.. when you asked if I had been involved with "Jack" I should have told you.. I didn't.. and that is in the past... either you want to be with me or you don't.. but I'm not going to beg you and continue to tell you how sorry I am.. It was no big deal and if you can't accept it, move on dude" !!
Geez.. have some confidence and respect for yourself. you didn't commit a crime.
First, there are two good books I can reccomend. "He's Just Not That Into You" is a good discussion of what is going on when a partner is creating distance. I wouldn't look at the "open door" comment as a "stance"; it is a possibility, not a stance. Generally speaking, if a guy wants to be with you, he isn't going to split at the drop of a hat.
Second, the book "NOT Just Friends" is a really good examination of what is and is not OK in "friend" relationships when you are romantically involved with someone else. It's not a black and white issue and I can see both your, and your bf's, point here. This book is great at defining appropriate boundaries. No, it's not just about sex. My marriage ended because of a friendship that became an emotional affair and then a physical affair, so I find this whole area of thought very worth considering.
Now, aside from the reading list, I think it's good this relationship is on hold. First, from this post and another one, it seems like you have some things going on that would be best addressed before you even think about a serious relationship. Your abandonement issues and so forth are things I believe you need to get to the bottom of before you commit to someone.
On his side, this guy seems kind of on the volatile and manipulative side to me. Don't read that as hiiim being "bad"; one can still be volatile and manipulative without being bad. It was very deceptive for him to keep the idea he knew you lied away from you for months. What the heck is that? Plus, he spends the weekend with you (including sex) and THEN drops this bomb on you and brings all your stuff back. DRAMA!
You have some time now to make a better life for yourself. Take it.