Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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veggiequeen 08/26/2017

Kind words and enouragement from many others did help me to feel good about myself again. But as time went on, they were often followed by empty promises. I want so badly to believe .....in the end, I am simply a means to an end. Once they get what they want (or need) from me they are gone.

Then there is my husband. He is content with things as they are. I mention what I wish were different....things I miss (and actually need) he may try for a day or two, ut that is it.I am a yo-yo at home. After putting in a full day's work I come home. From the moment my big toe hits the floor I spend half my time up and down getting him this ,doing that, expecting and waiting for me to do things thathe really should be doing for himself.

So again,I FEELTHAT I AM JUST A MEANS TO AN END.

I am so tired of giving all and trusting all, only to be hurt and i am so ready to give up and go faraway...alone

lostinthecycle 08/26/2017

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I felt that for many years. I felt like a mom, a maid, a servant, a wife, a provider but never felt like I was an equal or that what I wanted or needed mattered. As long as everyone else was taken care of that was all that mattered to them. I lost myself completely. I do not know what you have tried and have not tried but something I will say is to find yourself and love yourself. Stop worrying about everyone elses happiness first, worry about yours first. I say this knowing how incredibly hard it is to do but you are worth it. Once you start to feel better about yourself I think things will start to happen and will help you move forward. Hugs

veggiequeen 08/26/2017

Thank you for the kind words and thoughts..

Cora_Belle 08/26/2017

There was a time that I felt the same way; that my husband didn't really want a wife, rather a housekeeper, cook and caregiver. But when our financial situation changed and I had to take on a second job and was working 70/hrs a week, DH picked up the slack and we were partners once again. Thankfully, I was able to quit the extra job. And DH stills helps out and we are still equals.

I think we all teach others how to treat us. And if our kindness and generosity is being taken advantage of, it is US who must make the change by being more assertive and setting boundaries. Maybe telling him "I've had a bad day at work today; I need a bit of down/rest/alone time right now, perhaps you can do X,Y or Z yourself" will do the trick.

Also work on your self love and self esteem. When you value yourself, you may not find it necessary to fetch and tote to garner appreciation from your spouse.

veggiequeen 08/26/2017

I am at a point now where I am questioning my own judgement. I have gotten alot of positive feedback, support, and encouragement from others .

Alot of this was from men. and sadly I have come to realize there was usually an underlying reason behind it. On several occasions as we did share and commiserate I did easily fall for some kind words and my emotions kicked in. (This was easy as up until then I had very little of either.)

I have come to realize once they got what they wanted I was tossed aside and easily forgotten. This tells me nothing they did say means anything. It is negating all the positives I have been feeling for months.

Now I think back to nasty words from a dysfunctional family member years ago. And I look at how all the women in my family (back generations) gave all and got little back. I am once again just like them....settling for being ridiculed, discounted instead of feeling loved or cherished.

There actually was a time not so long ago where i did speak up and try to set up boundaries Now I am feeling there is not much point. In the end I will have to do all for him anyway..(my duty?......all I am good for.)

I can feel myself shutting down again....(not a good thing) I am having a very hard time right now.

Gregp136 08/27/2017

You can become human. You can stand up for yourself. You can be a caring person that cares for others but ALSO cares for yourself!!!

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