Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I really don't know how to introduce myself. A friend of my cousin's girlfriend told me about this site, and I figured it couldn't hurt to try. I guess I will just jump in. If I am not doing this right, please tell me.
I have been with my girlfriend for 13 years. We found each other in an intro to biology class way back when. She comes from a difficult family, and, for a long time, I felt like she was having a hard time being in a relationship with someone who treats her well because of her absent father. That was one excuse. Then she cheated, three times, over the course of our relationship. I figured I wasn't making her happy, I couldn't keep her happy, excuse after excuse after excuse. No matter what, I stayed and I stay. I am here.
I love this woman in a way I didn't think was possible. The thought of not having her in my life makes my chest tighten. I can't see a world without her in it.
I want to marry her, but she said no. She said what is a piece of paper after all these years? I say, we have a home together, a dog together, and 13 years together. Kids are not a consideration because she said she doesn't want any. I would like kids, but I know I love her. I love every, single inch of her from her toes to her head.
The last time she cheated on me was 3 years ago. I feel 98 percent confident she won't do it again. The only reason I am not 100 is because I hope I am not a complete moron, and I realize she clearly has the ability to cheat.
When she is happy, I want to bask in the warm rays of her happiness with her. When she is sad, I want to envelope her in a big, bear hug, and nuzzle the back of her neck. When she is angry, I want to be there so she can feel safe to dump on me, emotionally.
She left last night to stay at her cousin's house for a few days. She says she feels like a disappointment in my eyes because she won't get married. My heart aches with a thousand aches over this. I miss her.
I want to write her a poem a day and leave it on her windshield every morning. I want to send her flowers morning, noon and night.
I feel like she is going to break up with me. She won't return my texts or reply to my voice messages.
I guess I am lost and that's why I don't know what to write.
If I am not in the right group, or I am posting wrong, please let me know.
Thank you.
I have been with my girlfriend for 13 years. We found each other in an intro to biology class way back when. She comes from a difficult family, and, for a long time, I felt like she was having a hard time being in a relationship with someone who treats her well because of her absent father. That was one excuse. Then she cheated, three times, over the course of our relationship. I figured I wasn't making her happy, I couldn't keep her happy, excuse after excuse after excuse. No matter what, I stayed and I stay. I am here.
I love this woman in a way I didn't think was possible. The thought of not having her in my life makes my chest tighten. I can't see a world without her in it.
I want to marry her, but she said no. She said what is a piece of paper after all these years? I say, we have a home together, a dog together, and 13 years together. Kids are not a consideration because she said she doesn't want any. I would like kids, but I know I love her. I love every, single inch of her from her toes to her head.
The last time she cheated on me was 3 years ago. I feel 98 percent confident she won't do it again. The only reason I am not 100 is because I hope I am not a complete moron, and I realize she clearly has the ability to cheat.
When she is happy, I want to bask in the warm rays of her happiness with her. When she is sad, I want to envelope her in a big, bear hug, and nuzzle the back of her neck. When she is angry, I want to be there so she can feel safe to dump on me, emotionally.
She left last night to stay at her cousin's house for a few days. She says she feels like a disappointment in my eyes because she won't get married. My heart aches with a thousand aches over this. I miss her.
I want to write her a poem a day and leave it on her windshield every morning. I want to send her flowers morning, noon and night.
I feel like she is going to break up with me. She won't return my texts or reply to my voice messages.
I guess I am lost and that's why I don't know what to write.
If I am not in the right group, or I am posting wrong, please let me know.
Thank you.
Hi.
I'm usually around keeping up with folks..
And not commenting much on this board.
I just wanted you to know you're being heard.
It's just a slow time on DS right now.
I'm kinda at a loss as to what to say to you.
I will say..
Don't worry about " posting wrong "..
Anything is pretty much OK, as long as it's not hurtful to others.
I'm sorry you're in such a rough place in your relationship.
..I'll leave advice giving to someone wiser here.
Are you in any kind of counseling?
Welcome to DS
Hugs
jc
I don't want to give up on her, but.....I don't know.
Ultimately, I think you try and figure out your long term goals, what you seek in a relationship/ what would make you happy. And find someone who wants similar things as you.
It sounds like you want to get married, and have kids. And she does not. Both of these a pretty big deal to compromise (neither one of you right or wrong-you either want it or dont, not something I think should be compromise on).
Add in, shes cheated several times. Not saying shes a serial cheater (I dont know her). But serial cheaters rarely change (maybe for a while, then they go back to chasing that high). It takes something pretty big to happen for them to change (catastrophic loss). Instead they tend to get better at it (covering it up).
13 years is a long to be together, you share a house and a dog, not to take lightly. But much easier than if you had kids together. I was with my ex-h for 16 years (3 kids), and previous boyfriend for 7 years (whom I lived with, and we had a cat). Both where very difficult breakups.
But breakup with previous bf much easier since we werent married or have kids. I did not have the forever ties with bf, that I have with my ex-h (because of the kid thing). Even when our kids are grown up.
And based on my observation in real life (I've dated a couple guys like this), they tend to get bored with the normal functioning girl, and crave the damsel in distress. It rarely ends good. So be careful of that...
She might have had an absent Father, but it sounds like you might have a few issues of your own.
Think of people you love, a nephew or a younger brother or cousin... what would you want for them if they were in your situation? Would you think they were worth more than to grovel at the feet of a cheater?
What you want for them, want for yourself! :)
And there is no right or wrong way to post around here, so don't worry!
I don't want anyone to think I am being rude and not answering, but I don't know what to say. You all have given me a lot to think about.
Shasta - I hadn't thought about what I would say to a nephew or friend or someone else. That is powerful stuff and I need to think on it.
MTZ - thanks for your thoughtful answer.
I need to think about all this. You all are great!
N Ya know, when you love someone this much it is like the highest high you can ever have and only after you break up, go through the pain of ended relationship, grieve, accept the loss, move on and meet someone else who gives love back , you realize how much poison this cold, careless, ungrateful person that you were crazy for brought into your life.
Will you love someone again this much? Likely not, but possible. However, you can have a different kind of relationship, the one based on mutual exchange of love and respect. I would rather have a feeling of security and care, frindship, knowledge that someone has my back, than intense attraction without any of these things..
I had a lot of things happen in life and i m aging. There will be no more time wasting on people that cause me pain.
I hope you will come to some sort of decision that will make you happy.
Don't you think you deserve to be loved back?
To be treated with respect?
Point 1. She cheated three times and is away this weekend without responding to you. She needs space, she wants space, she is getting her space. Not wanting to plant the wrong seed in your mind, but she also might be with another man. Or maybe she just needs to be away from you.
Point 2. As wonderful as you are being to her, I sense she feels smothered. She knows you will be there as you have been there all this time. You are there sending her flowers, cuddling, writing, doing all these thoughtful loving gestures. But she sees it as 'enough already'. Not that she's right - she obviously doesn't appreciate you enough.
Point 3. By not wanting to marry and not wanting kids, I feel she is playing her hand for an easy exit if and when the time feels right. IMO she does not love you enough to marry.
Point 4. I fear a breakup with her will be extraordinarily hard for you. You will be lost and unable to cope for quite some time, so if it comes down to that, I suggest you arrange therapy or a support group. Thirteen years is a long time. A lot of emotions are vested. It should be hard on anyone who cares as much as you do.
Point 5. I agree with Aronia. You may not love another the same way as you love this woman but there are others out there. You can't believe it now but it's true. And given enough time, you will probably see that you are happier.
Point 6. Good luck and post away brother. Seek support. You deserve better.
Yes. Yes I do feel I want to be in a mutually respectful relationship. In all of these years with her, there is a connection....different things we have gone through that, rolled into 13 years, feels like a lifetime.
I know it seems stupid that I took her back after all of these times of cheating. I do know that.
@Mandown - I have been told I smother her, and to be honest, I can't seem to hear what she has been saying. I know I smother.
It's like I see and know all the things being pointed out to be, and here I am, looking like a tool. I should know better. I'm too old to be this dumb.
You all have been great! Thank you for taking the time to answer me.
If I were you I would give her space and just try to build a life for your self maybe if she sees that you are getting on with life she may realise what she is losing but don't dwell on that. Concentrate on YOU for a change. join a gym , get a hobby get out there. Good luck I truly hope it works out for you.
Please try not to be so hard on yourself.
I don't think it makes you a " tool" to have loved deeply.
I hope you are able to move on..
And give yourself a chance to find someone who loves you equally as deeply, and loyaly, and passionately.
Good luck
jc