Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year. He is someone I have known for 20 years, we were best friends and even roommates for 4 years before I married my ex-husband. So I went into the relationship thinking I knew him really well. For the first 10 months of our relationship we lived 4 hours apart and only saw each other once or twice a month. Two months ago I moved into my new home and now live less than thirty minutes from him (I didn't move to be closer to him, I had already planned to move after my divorce to be closer to my family and friends). Of course we see each other more often now and I have begun to notice how negative and critical he is of not only me but everyone! For example, yesterday his younger brother bought a beautiful new home. My boyfriend proceeded to tell me (and then call his parents and other brother) how bad the traffic in that area is going to be, how stupid he is for paying the high taxes in that city, the house is too big, the yard too small. Not one nice thing to say. Then while talking to his older brother the older brother mentions that his son (my BF's nephew) had been invited to play in a select, traveling hockey team. It is a pretty big deal. My BF's response to his brother "well that sounds expensive and like it will waste a bunch of your time".
Yesterday was my BF's birthday and I asked him where he wanted to go to dinner, he proceeding in naming off every single reason why it was stupid to go out (expensive, don't know what's in the food, food not healthy, etc.) Said he would rather just cook dinner together and stay home (exact opposite of what I would want but it was his birthday). So he loves seafood. I went to the store and bought lobster tails (which I make pretty often for myself) and some other things as well. When I get home he is helping unload groceries and looks at the price of the lobster tail (keep in mind money is not an issue for me at all...I have no kids and a very successful career). He proceeds to tell me how stupid I am to waste money on lobster and he would have been fine with cereal!!
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with someone like this? I promised myself after my last relationship (was married for almost 8 years to a sex addict who cheated and lied everyday) that I would pay attention to any red flags in a new relationship. Thinking his negativity is one!
Yesterday was my BF's birthday and I asked him where he wanted to go to dinner, he proceeding in naming off every single reason why it was stupid to go out (expensive, don't know what's in the food, food not healthy, etc.) Said he would rather just cook dinner together and stay home (exact opposite of what I would want but it was his birthday). So he loves seafood. I went to the store and bought lobster tails (which I make pretty often for myself) and some other things as well. When I get home he is helping unload groceries and looks at the price of the lobster tail (keep in mind money is not an issue for me at all...I have no kids and a very successful career). He proceeds to tell me how stupid I am to waste money on lobster and he would have been fine with cereal!!
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with someone like this? I promised myself after my last relationship (was married for almost 8 years to a sex addict who cheated and lied everyday) that I would pay attention to any red flags in a new relationship. Thinking his negativity is one!
If this is something new, he mayb be angry about something.
When men I was with acted this way I would call them out on it and say something like : " Is there something upsetting going on in your life , because To me you seem unhappy. You have made some negative statements lately and when I tried to make a special dinner for you it hurt my feelings to hear that I was wrong to spend the money"
This is not cool. The whole dinner thing is just rude! Normal person would be grateful .
You could start making the Debbie Downer( the SNL skit) noise "wehhh wahhh" after his negative comments.lol
I would think it would be almost impossible to cure him of his "critical spirit" (as Dr. Phil says)
My sister in law is like that. I once said how nice my husband's Aunt was and she said.. " She talks too much, and our Uncle isn't as out going as he was before he married her"
I said our Niece's new Mother in law was beautiful and she right away told a story about the lady being snarky when her last name was mispronounced..
In my sister in law's case I think it stems from severe envy of anyone who gets a compliment. Sounds like that is why your boyfriend rained on his Brother's parade about the new house and the sport thing too.
It's a sad thing. If it's horrible listening to it, just imagine what an ugly feeling must live inside of these people.
Before you run for the hills, talk to him. Maybe he has something going on that he's not sharing with you. Let him know how it's making you feel. How do you feel about his other qualities? Is he fun to be around otherwise? Does he make you feel loved and special? If not, I'd say move onto to someone who is fun and loving and positive.
But negativity can stem from other things so my advice is try and find out why, and see if you can't get to the bottom of it. Good luck!
I think before I totally cut ties with him that I will at least address the situation with him. I have noted the instances below as well as others that I will share with him as examples. I have also read a few good articles last night and today on how to deal with negative people. I don't mind being there for him if this is just a temporary funk...but I can't spend the rest of my life with someone who is always negative!
Obviously, your man respects and has always respected the opinions of his dad, and that's nice. Our elders do possess knowledge, wisdom and speak the truth, the truth as they see it, as filtered through their own experience and perhaps their own disappointment with life anyway. I just hope, when your man's dad finally passes away, he doesn't sink even deeper into this funk, and can find his love and joy for life again.
Yeah, do talk with him about it anyway and express how it makes you feel. Good luck and best of success either way, whatever you decide, after talking with your man.
Based on your last post, it sounds like this started up not long ago, but not a first time occurrence either
maybe hes acting this way, because hes been helping to care for his father, which trust me, is a lot of stress. Both of my parents passed away about a year and a half ago (in home hospice).During that time, I was pretty stressed, sleep deprived, my emotions up and down, withdrew a lot, but didnt lash out. Everyone is different.
or maybe hes acting this way, because it was his birthday. Eh, as far as I am concerned, its his day, let him celebrate it the way he wants (provided its reasonable). If he wants to eat a bowl of cereal, drop it let it go Yeah it would be irksome, but its his day, not yours
However, if the negative behavior persists, Id put my foot down now!!! In my lifetime, this is the biggest turn off (next to cheating). Set your boundaries! Tell him how it makes you feel. Acknowledge, some people are just that way (can't really help it), and will never change, no matter what you do. No, not necessarily because they were raised that way, but I firmly believe some are born that way or become that way over time(my ex-h).
Personally, I have a low threshold of negativity/ criticism when it comes to a partner. I lived with this for 16 years, and not worth it. I hate feeling like Im walking on eggshells. If this were family member, kids, spouse, sure I can/ have put up with a lot. Well worth it, Id hope theyd do the same for me (family, yes they have-spouse nope he did not). But youre not married, youve been dating 10 months (much of it long distance), not worth it IMO. He should still be on his best behavior to woo you!