Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hello....I could really use some advice on my situation. I received an email from my boyfriend's ex girlfriend saying that they had been in contact for months and basically carrying on a relationship. I confronted him about it, asking him when was the last time he had contact with his ex girlfriend. He was quiet for a second (which I believe he was shocked), and then he said "Sabrina who?" and played dumb for a few seconds before finally saying "the last time we were in contact was on Friday, she sent me a message and I responded" -- they were arguing. I asked him "don't you think it's disrespectful and inappropriate for you to carry on communication with your ex?" I know if the tables were turned it would NOT be ok. He expects my total honesty, dedication and respect, and I thought I was getting the same in return until this. He quickly has turned this into being very angry at me, screaming and shouting at me and saying that I'm out of line for finding out this information. I did not share with him all the details of what she shared with me, and he was screaming at me saying that until I tell him exactly what I know, he won't speak about this situation. I think that he wants to know how much I actually know so he can figure out how much to fess up to.....I think he wants all the details of what she shared with me so that he can determine what to tell me and what to keep from me. I'm uncomfortable about it and in my gut I feel like him screaming and yelling and getting angry is just a cover up for his own feelings of guilt and shame. but I need some support because he is doing a good job of trying to make me feel like I'm somehow wrong in all of this. He screamed and yelled and then ended up hanging up on me and now won't speak to me. How can someone who is so clearly in the wrong, all of sudden "punishing" me with the cold shoulder and acting like he's mad at me? I don't understand and I feel very disrespected by him. And lied to. We haven't spoken since he slammed the phone down and hung up on me....and I'm not sure what to do now. Do I try to reach out to him? He seems very defensive which tells me he feels very guilty. But how can I work with someone or have a conversation with someone who starts screaming at me when I address their lies and inappropriate behavior? and how can he make me out to be "wrong"? I didn't do anything wrong. Advice please......
My ex used to even say sometimes - attack was the best form of defense. And he was a master at being verbally abusive and putting the blame onto others.
As hard as it may be, you are probably better off just staying no contact for now and leaving him to sweat this out wondering what you do and don't know, and what you are thinking. In all honesty do you really want a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you, and who treats you in this way?
If he really wants a relationship with you, and is worth having in your life, he had better work out himself how to fix this mess he has created, and come asking you for forgiveness. If he doesn't have the guts and decency to do that, then you are probably better off without him.
A person who has not done anything wrong will usually be calm and composed, they would offer you to open their facebook account to prove to you that there is nothing going on. The person would feel badly that they gave you a reason to worry and would say " I will do whatever it takes to establish trust between us "
I am really sorry..:-( He is lying to you. If you can, end it with him.. I doubt that anything good will come out of it.
Hugs. I feel really sad for you.
He is in the wrong NOT you.
I would personally end it with him, but only you can make that decision.
Good Luck to you.
You need to take this time to decide if this is the type of person who is worth being with. Take this time to reflect and when he does calm down, let him know that you're not interested in having a screaming match with him. If he's interested in talking with you, he is expected to #1 treat you like a human being by not screaming, or placing blame and just listen, or you're not going to with stand anything that he has to say.
Then you need to take control of the conversation and let him know you're very disappointed, and he has lost your trust. Let him know that you're willing to hear his side of the story, however if he is not willing to do so, or is trying to cover it up, let him know you're not interested in hearing about it any longer and leave. If given the opportunity opportunists will try and make it seem like it's no big deal, divert your attention, or get angry because they are uncomfortable in dealing with the fact that they screwed up. If that's going to be his reaction after you stated you're willing to listen, then he's going to resort to this every time you have an argument and you're not going to be happy.
He will have to earn your forgiveness over time and earn that trust, that is however only after he passes the first test of treating you right and being open to having a real conversation on the topic which allows you and him to express your feelings in a matter that will not allow judgment, resentfulness etc. to reside.
Good luck!
I'd like to remind you that although giving into that numbing feeling works for a while, sometimes it does have the power of altering the type of person you are. Speaking from experience giving into that feeling of numbing is gratifying for a while, but after a while when you do want to get on with your life it's hard to turn that numbing off and then you have to deal with the emotions all over again.
Allow yourself to get back to dealing with your emotions when you feel you are stronger. The sooner you do, the less damage you'll do to yourself as a person. Going through bad experiences are opportunities of growth and when you numb you don't allow that experience to fully teach you anything. When you can, embrace the feelings and thoughts that plague you and find closure. You'll be glad you did. Again however, do so when you feel stronger.
Good luck to you. God bless
The feelings you are having are so normal under the circumstances, and his behaviour is still very bizarre for someone who is in the wrong. He obviously doesn't like being in this position, so he is still being defensive and trying to shift the blame onto you.
The no contact is the best way for you right now, really. You need to do what is best for you, and if you don't like the way he is behaving and treating you, then you have every right to hold that boundary. Don't second guess yourself. It sounds like you have very good instincts on this whole thing, and don't allow him to make you think otherwise.
The nervous stomach feeling is also so normal after a trauma like this. All the different emotions you have described are very normal for someone who has been attacked for something they never did wrong, and for such a betrayal.
(((hugs)))
1. Good afternoon
2. How are you?
3. I hope you're ok
4. I'm thinkin of you
5. I'm going into a meeting, still thinking of you
6. Are you working this week?
I did not respond. And I didn't want to, I wasn't struggling to ignore him or anything. I just didn't want to. Today I have a little less of an anxious feeling in my stomach. I cried a little more last night....I'm a little worried that I'm not more devastated. I don't know why. I was thinking about it. I've been through this before, where someone I loved was unfaithful. And I can remember feeling completely and totally devastated.....for days.....wondering why and going over everything in my head, allowing myself to feel like somehow I just wasn't enough. But this time is different....and the only thing I can attribute it to, is the fact that i've done some "self work" in the recent years. And with his behavior, although it is in fact very hurtful, I am more aware that this is an issue with HIM and his own issues of self esteem or self worth. I really don't think this is about me. I feel I've done everything possible to be a good partner so when I check my own inventory I feel good about my conduct in this relationship. Sure, I'm not perfect, but certainly don't deserve this. I almost feel sorry for him, like he must have some deep pain inside that plagues him. I pray for him.