Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hi guys,
I don't know if this is quite the right group, but you've helped me in the past, and honestly I just need to vent with all the weight on me right now. I just got back from my grandma's funeral, which was obviously sad but not unexpected. She died while I was back visiting my family a couple weeks ago, mostly to see my mom who was diagnosed 3 years ago with stage 4 ovarian cancer and my dad who has been having some alarming health issues. I hadn't seen him for a couple months, and in that short time he lost more than 20 pounds. On the same day we got the news about grandma, my dad was diagnosed with liver cancer. It looks like he's going to need a transplant. I am incredibly worried about how my parents are going to deal with all this. I live halfway across the country and I've already spent my leave from work traveling back and forth these past couple of months. I feel guilty all the time that I'm not there to help out.
This has all been overwhelming, to say the least. I feel like I'm probably in shock still about much of it. I've been keeping it pretty close to the vest with people, because it makes me feel very vulnerable to put it out there. Case in point, my "best friend" of the last couple years has been very distant recently after starting a new relationship. When I finally told him what was happening, he was generically sympathetic (via text message), then disappeared again. No condolences for my grandmother, no inquiries about my dad, no offers to hang out and talk, nothing. I finally told him how much this hurt me, and his eventual response was cold and dismissive. He said "I only have so much to give." Basically implying that the new relationship is his only priority and he's not willing to put in any effort with a best friend who is struggling. I feel now like I never really knew him at all (or that he never really cared about me at all), because I can't imagine being so heartless with a "friend". It feels like just one more thing to grieve, and I don't know how much more I can handle.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
I am sorry to hear about all of this. It seems like you have a lot in your plate right now. My grandmother just passed as well and I am still sad and miss her dearly.
Your family health issues are a great source of stress right now. Try to stay connected with them talking and seeing them via skype, that way you and them feel the closeness and the care. The rest is for the doctors to handle and figure out. No reason to feel guilty. If you continuously feel bad from being away, try to research if there is any possibility of you moving back or closer. But if you are better for you and for them where you are right now, then don't feel guilt, it does not help you or them.
With respect to your best friend, I guess you did not give him that label for nothing. Appreciate the significance that he had in your life for the time he was a good true friend, and if he is not that anymore, then just be grateful for him. That will also help you not to be extra hurt on top of all the things that you have going on. Think that he also is in this life trying to do his best and he might have stressors of his own. I am by no means, downplaying your feelings, but trying to give you a better perspective so you don't feel sadder because of things that are out of your control. For now, be extra kind to yourself, look for cancer support groups, they are great for sharing experiences and you'll learn a lot from community resources for patients and families.
I hope this helps you, and please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!
XOXO
Ciruel gave some great advice up there.
Not all friendships are forever and not all friendships are in place when we want them or feel that we need them, but we also have the option of reaching out. I think you could use some good, local female friends. Do some research, and reach out, and see what you can come up with. And remember it's a give and take, to have a friend you have to be a friend, there has to be balance.
I have been there as well and there are often few to lean on during these rough and painful times... I think part of it is if someone hasn't been in these shoes they don't get it in any way, shape or form and they really don't want to think too hard about 'getting it' as it's just so difficult
I agree that if you have a faith this would be a good time to turn towards it...
I don't know what country you live in however looking for a RL support group might be a big help as it's a good place to vent and to make new friends who understand what you are going through.... If you are in the US there are MeetUp's for most everything
I agree not to lose yourself in guilt... It won't help you or anyone else at all... At some point you can always revisit your options if it's what you want to do
Another hug and a blessing...xo
Wow. That is a lot! I am sorry to hear that you're dealing with so much.
I can relate -- both my parents had cancer at the same time and, while my mom survived, my dad passed away two years ago. It was a difficult time that took its toll on me.
I agree strongly with the others that you should not feel overly guilty. I allowed guilt and pressures from my family to put me in a position where I sacrificed my life to make theirs easier. Years later, I'm still trapped by the sacrifices I made, which is something that I would never wish on anyone... mysensitiveheart and I are probably similar here.
Good luck to you and take care of yourself. If you need someone to talk to, consider using the Livestrong foundation, which has great resources for cancer patients and caregivers. https://www.livestrong.org/we-can-help
Keep writing on here too.
I also wanted to add in response to JeanaRose that I am very invested in my friendships. I have experienced friends going through difficult times, and have always offered help and comfort in whatever they need. I guess that's why I'm struggling the way I am with this. I sometimes have trouble with boundaries and letting people take from me without giving back. It really came to a head with this particular friend, because I feel like I've given so much at so many different times, and his reaction is so selfish and cold. It's not that I don't have other friends, but it's made me feel like it would be emotionally dangerous to reach out to them. I do like the idea of local support groups, but I can't really find anything here that's pertinent.
His reaction is really cold sw.... Some people put their heads in the sand when it comes to the pain we have to go through in life...
I've lost most of my family now and I know how painful it is to watch the people we love decline in health....It's almost a shock to the system that you just want to be able to stop
I agree with you that love and friendship is both a noun and a verb and your 'best friend' has been really lousy at the verb part of it...
One of the stages of grief is anger so the grief you are feeling over so much is probably partly causing this bitterness... It can make us feel so very raw
I'm so sorry that on top of everything else your friend has let you down.... Another hug and a blessing....xo
I have found it to be common for coworkers, friends, and sometimes family, to distant themselves in times of crisis. They fear how it might affect them, and turn away from it, like something contagious. These personality types don't have the emotional maturity to deal with crisis or offer support. They're interested in the good times, and dodge the difficult ones.
Focus on what's important to you, none of the rest matters.
I wish you and your family well.
Sorry for your loss. My grandparents are all long gone now, but I do have fond memories of them. I pray your father gets good healthcare so you won't have to worry as much. (((HUGS)))