Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hello all!
I'm just looking for a little input here. Many of you may know from past posts that I am dating and living with my bf, although I haven't been on here in a while. So to kind of sum up the situation. My bf is wonderful. I love him dearly and see myself spending the rest of my life with this man and I know he feels the same way about me. He is 100% supportive of everything I want to do in my life, with my life and with my healthy issues (I have endometriosis). He has a great job, a great family and he is very close to them, which is one of the things that attracted me. Right now though, he is going through a lot of issues that I can't really discuss. Let's just say that it takes up a bunch of his time, makes him feel like he is an awful person and he can't see some members in his family bc of it. That is not the issue, just trying to give a little background. He is and has been open with me about everything and I support him 100%. All of this stuff he is going through makes him pretty depressed sometimes and I feel he has been distancing himself from me bc of it, even to the point of taking some frustrations out on me and pushing me away, which hurts.....things like not calling unless I call, not texting unless I text and the physical intimacy between us has gone very downhill. I have talked to him about some of that and he is visibly making an effort, especially with the physical intimacy and reassurance. I feel this has put a large distance between us though and sometimes feel just like a roommate that shares his bed, kisses occasionally and takes care of all of the meals and I mean all of them. Recently, his Mom and I were talking and we decided that maybe it would be a great idea for his cousin to move in with us. He had just moved back to town and has been like my BF's little brother. He moved in last Sat and although I had never met him before, we have a lot in common and it seems to be a good fit roommate wise. Also, he makes my BF happy and my BF is laughing more and more talkative and overall seems happier with him there. Last night, his cousin went out to dinner with a friend. My BF got home and I was cooking dinner and he seemed cordial enough, but wasn't really talking very much about anything. He was courteous, but seemed unhappy. I asked him how his work was for the day and got the usual short response, no details. He thanked me for dinner, kissed me, etc. Just seemed like there was somethin off. Then we are out back after dinner smoking a cig and his cousin gets home and he totally just opens up! Starts laughing (I don't think he laughed all night with me), started talking about their mutual friend that his cousin went and had dinner with. A chick they used to work with and my BF was very interested in her personal life, why her and her bf didn't work out, what she is up to now, how great of a worker she was, etc. and I'm slightly blown away. I'm happy to see him happy and being "normal", and put off all at the same time bc of how much he lit up when his cousin got home. He was divulging all these things about his work to his cousin (while I was there) and talking about how a tool got recalled for the first time in like 40 yrs in his company today, etc. and I'm like....why didn't he tell me about that earlier when I asked him about work? He talks about his female coworker he calls box of rocks a lot....bc he says she is a dumb as a box of rocks. He has nicknames for everyone at work. Anyway, I'm a bit putoff and pretty tired, so I'm just doing my thing and it bothers me that he is making more of an effort to not actually talk to me, but to say bye to me every time I walk away from the two of them talking (I was making a breakfast casserole for the rest of the week and going in and out of the house to check on it). Then I laid down and he asks me what is wrong and I just don't really know what to say or how to express myself to him. Every time I bring something up, he thinks he is dissapointing me and gets really down on himself and it just kills me to see him do that to himself bc he is really a great human being. So, I just keep saying nothing is wrong and I'm tired. I go to bed after the casserole is done and he is doing a puzzle that we bought together, so he comes up to bed shortly after I do and is trying to joke with me and I just wasn't feeling it and am also half asleep at that point. Then he cuddles with me and puts his arm around me and such and plays with my hair (part of his trying to be more affectionate with me) and then we go to sleep. This morning he was sleeping in while I was getting ready and now I'm at work. I just don't know what to do or if I should even say anything about it. I really just want to ignore it and move past this, hoping that things continue to get better and that maybe he will be as happy with me as he is with his cousin. Any advice or input?
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
Maybe this is what he did to you when he got home from work. He didn't feel like opening up and so you let it go, but it still bothered you. Guys are afraid of getting their feelings hurt just as much as we are. So, the cousin comes in and your bf doesn't have those feelings of intimacy with him and not being able to communicate, so he's free to talk about inconsequential things and relax. It doesn't mean he isn't thinking of you. It just means he needs a break from this inability you two have to be on the same page, and from the feelings getting hurt and you both shutting down. That gets stressful and old.
Someone has to not let these moments cause hurt feelings and reading more into it than is really there. There could be more going on but you speak so highly of him, it doesn't sound like you think he's cheating or anything. He made the effort to come to you, started joking and cuddling you. He was offering affection and letting you know he cared. That took a lot of courage on his part. He was reaching out. Unless that's just what he does when he wants sex, I think he was trying to repair things or make an effort. Once men get rebuffed enough though, they do shut down and stop trying. Their egos are like our hearts; they can only take so many hits. They're men. They need to feel like men.
You might just want to make the effort not to be pouty or needy if he isn't always as open as you'd like. I'm not saying you are that way. Maybe do some unexpected things for him. Back rubs, going to his favorite place, Idk, you know what he likes. Let him know you appreciate him without expecting anything in return. And not getting upset if he spends time with his cousin, even if it feels like he's ignoring you. He'll really appreciate that. Ignoring things and hoping they get better doesn't work. Opening up makes us feel vulnerable but if we want to get close to our partner, we have to trust them with our hearts and our insecurities and desires. It's not easy. Good luck.
It may be that if he's in a depression and his cousin has just come back that he doesn't want to show him how he's feeling..
Depression is an illness and he may need medical help for this even if it's triggered by something that's happened... Big hug....xo