Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Need relationship help..

kacylynn78
kacylynn78
John and I have been dating for a year. I have 4 kids from previous, he has 2 that dont live with him. We struggle to get along at times. He owns his own business which is struggling in this economy and i know that has him stressed out. I love this man with all my heart. But he has horrible trust, jealousy and obsessive issues. He has never physically hurt, but has emotionally with words. We used to live together, and he got mad at me and had his ex wife come over and kicked me and the kids out. I stayed with a friend until i got my apt, which is where I still am. He constantly thinks I am cheating. He had GPS tracking on my phone. He knows where I am every moment of everyday. This past week got a little worse and i told him it was over and time to move on. My family does not like him, my kids do not like him (ages 9-15) his family has never liked me because they want him back with his ex wife. And yes they were divorced before i met him. He is 46, I am 33. I think that bothers him. Today however, we have been texting and I find that I am missing him. Hes telling me how hes having a horrible time with this and that he wishes we could work things out. I miss him horribly. I just dont know if I can take this anymore and if it is worth it to continue to try. When we are happy it is beautiful. We get along great most the time. But when its bad, its horrible. We dont ever just have a disagreement and get over it. It becomes full heated argument and we break up. I need any advice anyone has....thanks.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi Kacylynn,

Please take some time to write down the pros and cons of this relationship. Just from what you've written here, this relationship does not sound healthy and his treatment of you is not loving or kind. You are focusing on the "good times" and I'm sure you're missing the companionship but honestly it sounds like you and the kids deserve more. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being tracked down and accused. I hate to tell you this...but that is abuse. He is abusing you. He kicked you and your kids out!! That is not love. Please try to see this relationship for what it is and love yourself enough to know that you deserve more because you do. Find someone who treats you with kindness and respect and trust. I am not judging you because I have been in abusive relationships myself. I understand how they can pull you back in and how much you can miss the happy times with them. Just think about what I'm saying and take some time without him. No contact at all and get your mind clear. Be careful too. (((hugs)))
deleted_user
deleted_user
I don't understand how you can love someone with all your heart that doesn't treat you with respect. He doesn't want a relationship or want to make it work. He kicked you out once! And someone who thinks you are cheating all the time. That isn't healthy. He has his own trust issues and it has nothing to do with you. It shouldn't be a relationship of extremes. I would let him go and move on. Your family and kids don't like him. Listen to that .Your kids should be number one in your life right now. It sounds like perhaps you need to work on you and figure out why you are choosing someone who is clearly unavailable and you settle for less. Do you not feel you deserve more than that? Best to you!
Aronia
Aronia
Your children are suffering 100% of the time, while you may be happy 50% of the time.
Get them away from this horrible person.
I know it is hard to leave someone when they have you in a fog of emotions, but my children always stand as my guide.
Please leave this guy.
kacylynn78
kacylynn78
thanks everyone for your replies and advice. I am writing down the pros and cons of this relationship now.. and well, as one would suspect theres 10 cons to 1 pro...I have realized that I think im only more in love with the idea of being in love, than what i actually am with him. Sad to say, but after everything he has put me through, i do question myself whether im in love with him or not. I know i love him, and with time that will fade. I guess its just from the good times and the happy memories, and the fact that its only been 4 days since we called it quits. Dont worry, I plan on staying away and taking some time for my kids and I. Thats my best and only option :) thank you all again!
maebeth
maebeth
Hey, I'm glad to hear your most recent post! To me, it sounds abusive...abuse almost always escalates over time. The tracking stuff and emotional abuse scares me. Please stay strong and stay away...your kids will thank you for it someday.
maebeth
maebeth
Also, the ex-wife kicking you out bothers me as well...big time. Good luck!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Glad you are making that choice and when you listed the pros and cons you can clearly see what you need to do for your children and you. No one should have to keep breaking up in a relationship and then getting back together. It's only out of fear that you do so. Yes, it hurts but stay strong and know that you are right in that you are more in love the with idea of being "in love" in this relationship. It seems you settled as perhaps fear of being alone. You stay strong for you and your kids. Your kids will appreciate you. When you respect yourself the right man will follow when it's the right time. Right now you need to focus on you. YOU CAN DO IT!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I will say: run, run, run. I have been in abusive relationships and they don't get better with time. He is obvously mentally sick, but you have to also look at why you are in love with somebody who has put you through hell. I will say: run, run and look for professional help.

Best wishes for you and your Kids
koolman
koolman
How do you disengage his GPS tracker on your phone???
CowgirlKathi
CowgirlKathi
IMO from what you describe, this "relationship" has UNHEALTHY written all over it in BIG BOLD LETTERS! You are young -- and have the rest of your life ahead of you. Cut your losses and get out of it now! This man has what sounds like extreme jealousy issues -- which is actually extreme insecurity. The behaviors you describe very often escalate to physical abuse.

If you did your pros and cons and only had 1 item on the "pro" side of the page, you should already have your answer. I can see no good or sane reason for staying in such an unhealthy relationship.