Maybe it's time to shake things up... Take him to MC .. Many men say No, as their knee jerk reaction. Tell him, you go to MC, or I Go. Sometimes you need to find yourselves again. How long together? Any abuse? Infidelity? Or is it just boardom? They have couples boot camp. You never know, until you give your marriage a chance. Why give someone else a shot, when you haven't given your H a shot to be your happy ever after?

A recent US study concluded that in order to find "happily ever after" in a relationship you must first have in mind the three traits you most admire about your prospective other half. What three traits do you most admire in a prospective love and does this current love possess ALL three of them. Two or one out of three is considered insufficient.

Your mother's advice, whilst I'm sure it was well meaning, was useless advice as well.

Good luck in love both now quite possibly, or in the future.

Thank you both, after two long relationships - the first one was violent - and with 3 children, I decided I wasn't cut out for relationships and was alone for 10 years and I gained strength and became independent.
I met my current partner nearly 6 years ago. He is a lovely man and he swept me off my feet at the start, but he soon made it clear he needs his own space. We have our own homes and spend weekends together when he isn't working. He's always busy busy busy as he has ADD and gradually I've got tired of always fitting in with his busy life and coming second to what's uppermost in his mind at that time. Which is why I feel we're more like really good friends. There's no violence, no abuse, no infidelity (he's impotent) but there's not the closeness or connection or the feeling for me of being special that I would have hoped for in a good relationship. Or maybe this is just what it feels like when things calm down and the first flush wears off. My friends who are married or live with men full time say they think we have the perfect relationship. I get so confused.

Well, what are the benefits of staying with him?
You stated two major reasons that would make me want to move on:
- you spend most of the time alone because he is only present in your life 1/3 of the time
- you can't get any sex
We are not getting any younger. My preference is to have someone age with me, by me. If part time relationship is not what makes you happy then there is no point to stay in it.

Your mom taught you to be tolerant, but did she encourage you to tolerate the abuse? If that's the case, forgive her for the unintentional harm, but this was harmful to you . Break free. Try something different . Be happy and good luck!!

I think you really need to know your wants and needs. Everyone is different and perhaps you need to set your expectations for what you can experience much more than the time you get now.

For example, like for some women, sex is not even on the charts of what an emotional relationship means to them. Many would simply like a good soul mate to share in their lives. Find yourself, and then hopefully someone who looks for the same, or most of the things. All the best.

You are right Aronia, she DID encourage me to tolerate the abuse and it WAS harmful! It has coloured decisions my whole life. She died 7 yrs ago and a year ago I found out that many things I'd always been told about my family history were lies. It was a shock and made me question the way they had brought me up to always be 'nice'.

She instilled a kind of fear into me that I wouldn't be able to cope. I used to go to her for help when my ex husband was kicking off and I was upset. She would listen to it all quietly then tell me not to get myself in a state over it, that it wasn't worth making myself ill over it! My father didn't say much other than once to comment that infatuation lasts 2 years and that I'd made my choices!

After nearly 60 years it's kind of hard to switch direction, but I want to. I envy people who know what they want, make a decision, carry it out and move on without regret, as every step of that is fraught with difficulty for me!

My brain seems 100 steps removed from my instincts! What if this? What if that? What if whatever? Grrrrrrrrr


.

I can not even begin to imagine how this feels for you.
The only thing I can say is that if you get a feeling, event or a thought about something being wrong as well as something positive about your romantic life - write it down and share it with a " safe" person who is in position to tell you right from wrong.
I think since your mother and father " betrayed " you in a way, I would not choose my friends to be that " safe" person.
You did it in the past and the " safe" people did not guide you through properly. So.. Seeking advice from friends could make you double and triple doubt their objectivity.
I would probably choose a therapist to look over my notes .
I hope you figure this out.. It is never too late. You deserve to be free.

One, stop listening to your mother when it comes to relationships, she's not living them, you are.

Two, most people don't have numerous successful relationships, otherwise they'd still be in them.

Three, tell him what you're feeling.

Four, if he retorts not to your liking, escort him to the door.

Five, being in a lack-lustre relationship, and one that you don't want to be in, annihilates your chance of meeting the right one.

I wish you much success, happiness and fulfillment.

Your mother probably tried to help you the best way she knew how, but not necessarily does that mean she was right and knew the right thing for you. The only person who know what's right for you is yourself. Be honest with yourself with what you want. Dig deep, and have clear mind of what you want. Then go out, and find it, try not to fear. This current relationship seems to not be what you want. It will cloud your mind with finding what you want. Sometimes you have to just meet another person to get the current person out of your mind. I would tell him that I don't want to be exclusive anymore maybe, and date other people. Tell him reasons why you don't want to be exclusive anymore. You have the power ultimately, use it.

As I did add in my later post, my mother died 7 years ago so her 'advice' isn't an issue any more.

My desire now is to recover from the harm she did when she encouraged me that the right thing to do was to accept whatever bad behaviour people dealt out to me.

I want to make the right decision regarding this relationship. It's true that many people have unsuccessful relationships but they seem to know when it's time to call it quits, put it behind them, and not to hang on long after they should have left. The ability to know what I want and see red flags is what I want to develop.

Aronia and Foundlove, thank you, I've made an appointment for an introductory appointment with a therapist to try and make a change to the way I tackle making decisions, and to try and come to terms with the shock I've felt after finding out about lies the lies my family told me about their past. I do feel now that I never really knew them at all and that all their love and protection towards me was based on lies. It does feel very lonely.