Haha, ok when I read the title, I assumed I was going to have to come in here and defend monogamy.

I agree with you though. That was my HUGE mistake in my last (and first real) relationship; I counted on him to be my boyfriend in the traditional sense, but also to fill all the other roles other people should have filled. Poor guy couldn't keep up! We all need other friends, our family members, etc. My problem was that once I met him, I pushed all those other people away...guess who was left when we split three years later? Hardly anyone but my mother.

Maintaining other healthy relationships besides our romantic one is essential for ours AND our partners health. Also, we need to encourage our partner to have healthy relationships outside of the partnership, not nag when they want to have a guys night out. If there is trust in the relationship, there is nothing to worry about, no reason to be threatened by these outside relationships.

well, yes but I think that's true at a larger social level as well. Back in my fundamentalist days (a lifetime ago) my church was my sole community, the one all-encompassing thing I belonged to.

When I came out (and left the church for related but not identical reasons) I found it hard to figure out where I fit in. Just as I wouldn't expect my spouse to fulfill all my personal needs I wouldn't expect any single community to meet all my social needs.

F'rinstance: there's the community I work in - a network of teachers. The people with whom I play chamber music. The folks I cycle with, and the people I lift with. My gay friends, my straight friends. And a buncha overlap between those and several other groups.

For that matter, many DS members belong to more than one support group!

But after a while, at least for me, it starts to feel a little to scattered. Maybe it's because I've also had to deal with the implications of being out - or being dissatisfied with how out I'm able to be... and what that means in terms of the kind of communities within which I need to find myself.

I often say that I'm looking for the context in which I can speak in one voice with all my voices... and find that as much as I appreciate all the little sub-groups to which I belong there isn't one all-encompassing community that really takes in my totality. I think that element is the only thing I miss from my old faith.

But truth be told, I'm not sure I really want that anymore, given the power I allowed that old faith-system to have over how I viewed myself and who it was willing to let me be.

I guess the point I'm rambling all around is that I sometimes feel a little puzzled about how I can weave together all these little connections into the overall community pattern that allows me to be fully and authentically actualized, and not isolated and/or alienated.

I'm a teacher and I'm a cellist. The story of my career is about finding the right balance. I've had to do one at the expense of the other several times over the last three decades. Lately I've been picking up the cello again more (gadzooks but I've missed it).

My partner and I live deep in the heart of suburbia. There are other gay couples around, but if we want gay community we have to leave town to find it... or re-invent it here (who has the time to do that?).

It's a balancing act, for me, I think. I haven't yet mastered it.

Yes, we need one person (a man in my case) for romance and to sleep with. Other friends to go shopping with and chit chat (female friends), and many people of different sort and varieties to share multiple common interests with. I have soo many interests and enjoy so many different people that I couldn't agree more. Just pleez gimmee dat man for me. The bible says it is better to marry than to burn.

Friends are great I don't have 'nuf of 'em!

In fact, I have joined a hiking group, two language groups, dance, live music groups, am close to my musical colleagues (my band), have acquaintances all around...

I feel it can be a really healthy thing to live in a commune for a single woman with a kid at home part-time. I used to live in a co-ed christian home and it worked extremely well! A big family, all with chores, etc., each individual with their particular peculiarities. I wonder if I could start a commune for singles with similar goals as I have. Hmmm.
Oh well back to topic. ...thanks for bringing this up, koolman

I agree with the hypothesis, but this can be all too much of an ideal situation.

Life is far from ideal and in my experience, people are never always there when you need them.... shades of The Stepord Wives, koolman :-)

In a perfect world.

Stepford wives: True, but at least those people are outside your three-foot circle of personal space. Imagine inviting a Stepford Wife into your bedroom and your intimacy!!! You'll find out soon enough whether people have your back, or have nefarious motives, and can then choose to keep 'em or let 'em go. My point is, strength in numbers.

Nlimvil brings up a good point that I was going to: Your intimate honey is the MOST POWERFUL and MOST INTENSE form of love, and is the person we're spending most of our time with, so it's important to keep that house in order. But the other x percent of the time, hang out with others too, and encourage your mate to hang out with 'em too. People don't always get along, and there are those nefarious motives, such as your female friends trying to horn in on your male honey, but, like I said, you'll find that out soon enough. When the right mix of people come together at the right time, it's like you're all flying with the angels!

Right now, I know my parents have my back, and, although there are no girlfriends for me and my next-door neighbor on the horizon at the moment, he and I get along very well, as do I and a buddy of mine in the next town. We can relax in his pool and talk about shit for hours. Bring girlfriends into the equation, and all hell could break loose LOL...

The group dynamic certainly has changed between me and my pool buddy. There used to be a big circle of friends. Then a male and female friend got involved with each other, to their own detriment, as well as the male friend and my friendship (to say the least). Now the group has disintegrated, and each one of us converge on this guy's house individually rather than collectively. But I've made some new friends since then, so the circle of friends has changed...

Good words yet again koolman and it is ture when you look into mental health research the more socual support you have the happyr and healther you are.
But its not that easy when your primary relationship starts to fail, all does, meaning when you have a heavy heart and a head full of crap due to a unforfilling relationship, your buddies cant be botherd with you (my experiance, anyhow)!
As general maintance I agree and I know Iv made the mistake!
We do all need many kinds of love!xx

That's true. The "main honey" is certainly the deepest and most intense form of love, a love that buddies get burdened by and don't want to hear about, especially when they're happy, but also when they're going through their own personal hells and stressed. But, if people at least TRY to be there for each other, even when they don't feel like it, the world can be a warmer, friendlier place. Wishful thinking, I suppose.

I should talk--I frequently get confused and irritated when I come here and all I read are complaints (if things are going swimmingly, no need for a support group discussion, right?). Makes me want to stay ALONE. But I know there are good, sweet, fun parts to relationships too, laughter, sex, affection...

One person can do it all. The idea of many people is somewhat lacking in depth. Are the people so plastic and superficial they can only be like disposable items.

People are complex, fascinating and amazing. They are single use entities.

Such an attitude is mysoginic, patronising, gauche, disingenous and well puerile.

People are not hand wipes to be used and discarded.

You underestimate people a lot.

One person can do it all. The idea of many people is somewhat lacking in depth. Are the people so plastic and superficial they can only be like disposable items.

People are complex, fascinating and amazing. They are single use entities. Such an attitude is mysoginic, patronising, gauche, disingenous and well puerile. People are not hand wipes to be used and discarded. You underestimate people a lot. "

Bless your heart Jaq but I must comment that this is a classic example of reading in possibly just the opposite of what koolman was trying to say. He wasn't underestimating people. But I really appreciate your faith in people. That is utterly cool. It's just that we are so complex that it takes more than usually just one person to share what and who we are with as no two people are alike, we can find so many with common interests that provide the chemistry and avenue for expression and sharing those interests.

One of my best friends, a married man, pastor, loves his wife and kids and faithful to them, whom I've grown close to says this: He loves women, has many many friends (being a professional jazz musician too) may have friends. But he only shares that one area of physical intimacy with his wife. Well that sounds sorta banal. One person can't be other people or other friends. We all need a variety of friends to share our complexity. No one person can do THAT~ can he/she?