Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi, I was married 34 years, and was faithful, and my wife was not and left, divorced. Then dated this other women who turned out to be BPD person, and that was absolutely torture for me, yet very hard to break away but I did.
FInally, I meet this wonderful and beautiful girl my age, I am 63, and we agreed after awhile to be exclusive. I was thrilled. She as been great I have too. We agreed to get off the dating site but both of us had problems with the site, like I would cancel but still be on there. Truthfully. So I hide my profile, dellete pictures etc. She did the same.
Now comes the bad part. I have always been honest and faithful to all. However, since I was just blocking my profile, I start looking at the women's pictures on the dating site. DOn't ask me why, maybe I got so use to it, or it was a bit of excitement to see what they looked like etc. I am not sure myself.
I never once, even thought of trying to make any contact with any of them and didn't. That the truth.
Well, my girlfriend found out, and of course initially I denied (Yes, lied) I was embarassed and didn't want to lose her. I feel bad about lying and the whole thing.
I fill so bad now since I lied to her, and hurt her and me, and I truly care deeply for her since A girl like her is jsut impossible to find, and I know she likes me but now, I shatter her image of me, and rightfully so. This is so much out of my character, and it was so stupid since I planned to go nowhere with it. Bad amsusement I guess.
Now, I am trying , and begging her to forgive me, and trust me again, but trust is always earned and not talked about. I want it to go back to the way it was, but I know it takes time, if I can get pass this error in judgement. I'll repeat, I never cheated on anyone in my life, and didn't here, but yes, was on the site, but no pictures etc, and no emails, texting, or calls.
I am hoping over time she might see that I just made a stupid error in judgement and it was not about me being unhappy with her, because I was happy with her. Again, I never done anything like this, and I was just doing this while watching TV, like a dope.
I am trying to show her that's not the real me, but I did do it. Again, I guess it was just curoisty, and curousity killed the cat.
Any ideas? I already talked to her, and profess my love, and said I was sorry , like 1,000 times. We are suppose to go to a wedding but yeah, separate beds, but I am just happy she will even come with me. It's not about the sex, it's about just hoping to have a happy life with her. And it was not about sex being on the site looking.
Again, in 34 years and then some, never did something as foolish as this. I guess a habit formed, but I wasn't indulging, but still I had no place there. Ths any words of help would be good, but I am guilty and wrong as charged.
FInally, I meet this wonderful and beautiful girl my age, I am 63, and we agreed after awhile to be exclusive. I was thrilled. She as been great I have too. We agreed to get off the dating site but both of us had problems with the site, like I would cancel but still be on there. Truthfully. So I hide my profile, dellete pictures etc. She did the same.
Now comes the bad part. I have always been honest and faithful to all. However, since I was just blocking my profile, I start looking at the women's pictures on the dating site. DOn't ask me why, maybe I got so use to it, or it was a bit of excitement to see what they looked like etc. I am not sure myself.
I never once, even thought of trying to make any contact with any of them and didn't. That the truth.
Well, my girlfriend found out, and of course initially I denied (Yes, lied) I was embarassed and didn't want to lose her. I feel bad about lying and the whole thing.
I fill so bad now since I lied to her, and hurt her and me, and I truly care deeply for her since A girl like her is jsut impossible to find, and I know she likes me but now, I shatter her image of me, and rightfully so. This is so much out of my character, and it was so stupid since I planned to go nowhere with it. Bad amsusement I guess.
Now, I am trying , and begging her to forgive me, and trust me again, but trust is always earned and not talked about. I want it to go back to the way it was, but I know it takes time, if I can get pass this error in judgement. I'll repeat, I never cheated on anyone in my life, and didn't here, but yes, was on the site, but no pictures etc, and no emails, texting, or calls.
I am hoping over time she might see that I just made a stupid error in judgement and it was not about me being unhappy with her, because I was happy with her. Again, I never done anything like this, and I was just doing this while watching TV, like a dope.
I am trying to show her that's not the real me, but I did do it. Again, I guess it was just curoisty, and curousity killed the cat.
Any ideas? I already talked to her, and profess my love, and said I was sorry , like 1,000 times. We are suppose to go to a wedding but yeah, separate beds, but I am just happy she will even come with me. It's not about the sex, it's about just hoping to have a happy life with her. And it was not about sex being on the site looking.
Again, in 34 years and then some, never did something as foolish as this. I guess a habit formed, but I wasn't indulging, but still I had no place there. Ths any words of help would be good, but I am guilty and wrong as charged.
Sadly you have broken her trust, first by looking and then by lying about it. So it is simply going to have to be a lot of hard work and effort to prove by your actions that it was just a stupid mistake.
Good luck with this. I know we can so easily do things that are so stupid, and they can have such far reaching results. Just don't beat yourself up about it, but prove to her your love and devotion to her, without grovelling.
Thanks
BUT
Cheating is a relative term - what some may feel is cheating, others may not. Some people who sleep with someone outside of their relationship will easily claim it was as error in judgement. So she feels you crossed a boundary, whether previously spoken of and agreed upon or not.
You KNOW that you shouldnt have lied, and lying (even over TINY things), is very tough to get past and move forward from.. You will really need to prove your commitment to her, and it can be a lot of work and sometimes not so rewarding. Can you do it?
Sit down with her, discuss clear boundaries and make a plan to stick to them. Talk about your commitment to making the relationship work and find out if shes on the same page. Then follow through on your word and make it work - without behaving as though you are groveling to rid yourself of guilt.
Remember, she has to be willing to forgive in order for the relationship to continue.
Time should tell you either way, if this is going to be a total deal breaker for either of you.
I hope it works out for the best!
I have done the online dating thing on and off for over 2 yrs (mostly off), and this is a very common thing for guys (and girls to do). I've been messaged by many guys with private profiles or no pics (at least 1/4 that end up in my inbox are private or no pic-maybe a hundred), and immediately get suspicious. Most I don't respond back, but a few I respond back, pointedly asking them why their profile is private (or no pic) and they NEVER responded back. The vast majority, I believe are in a LTR or married.
And then there have been the guys who say they're taking their profile down. Act excited about it. But don't. Or they do temporarily, then it pops back up later (either with their original profile, or a new fake one LOL). At first they claim they didn't know it was still on there, it's a mistake!!!
Sure, that may occasionally happen, but it's never happened to me when I take mine down. I double check to make sure mine is down (by doing a search for my screen name, or background/ zip code).
If I were you, be patient, continue to re-assure her you want her, and let your actions speak for you. Yes, you messed up (first not getting your profile down successfully the first time, then when you did finally go private, you kept in lurk mode til she found out). If your gf is like me, has experienced with online dating, has probably encountered this many times, the first few times believed it, then wised up. It gets old very quick.
FWIW, my exh was also involved in online dating websites (the sex hook up ones), and I did not find it innocent at all. A year after I found out, we divorced.
Thanks for the encouraging words. I don't blame you from walking away if he was on a sex hook up site. That's a real bad sign and a tough one to get over, and shows what he really wants.
Thanks again, for reassuring words. I did not feel the need to contact anyone, but window shopping wasn't good, but something I got used to as a habit I guess.
She decided to go on a long trip with me to a wedding with my friends, (like 450 miles in the car) and told me she wouldn't talk to me, and we needed to get separate rooms, which I said ok, since I caused this, however, she talked a lot on the trip etc, and broke her own rules, (I did not coax her because I respected not only her feelings but me being in the wrong) so yes, we shared a room, and more, but I asked a few times are you sure before continuing with anything. I followed her lead, but did ask her if she was positive about it.
So, things are much better, and of course my friends help things but of course they knew nothing about the incident, and now we both will take it day by day I think, as I told her, actions speak louder than words, and as you can guess, I am questionsing myself somewhat since I never done that, so maybe this is all a good thing. Ths Much , and I do think you comments were dead on with your thought and experience, and feeling. You did the right thing and I know sometimes that's so so hard because regardless our hearts want us to be together and complete that lovign picture in our minds.