Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I’ve been with my husband for 8 1/2 years now....3 1/2 married. We have always been the couple that people admired and now our marriage is spiraling because we fight all the time. He always helps out around the house and has always been very supportive of whatever career choices I have made, but lately we have not been on the same page. I always have to be extremely patient with him as he likes to step outside to talk to his friends for various periods of time (30 mins - 2 hours). It’s frustrating because his friends have caused him to take time away from me and our family. He will also step out when we are with the family, whether it’s at his brothers house or at my parents house. I’m often sitting alone in our bedroom watching tv at nights for around an hour because he is outside speaking to friends, which makes me feel like I’m not his priority. His friends are not married yet and I know that once they get married they will not give him the time of day because they will not leave their wives like he does - which is the most frustrating part. I have told him this several times and he has agreed but this still continues. He is the type that would never ever ever cheat on me so I’m not one bit worried that that’s why he is talking outside- he likes to smoke while he speaks to his friends and he feels more comfortable in his little nook outside. His anger has also increased a lot lately where he will go from 0-100 which has caused our sex life to slowly go down- not from his part but from my part. I’m not mentally satisfied / 100% happy which makes me not want to do anything. Days where he doesn’t do all this of course I want to have sex then. I’m also financially responsible for most of our day to day bills as he was unemployed for a year, due to being ill, and I just feel like I’m doing so much and he can’t even stop speaking to his friends at night and leaving me alone? It just doesn’t seem fair. Recently we got into 2 big fights where he has gone off on me and then has apologized and even cried because he felt so terrible and has said he will work on it. Same for stepping out for long period of time every night to speak to his friends - he will occasionally deny calls.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
I feel I need to be a devil's advocate on this... My friend's are very important to me and I don't know why it has to be either or??
Would you want to spend some time with your husband with friends??
A half an hour to 2 hours doesn't seem like a lot of time to me.... I can see if there's something important that you share or if he's cancelling something that you planned to do together however visiting with a friend(s) is healthy IMHO
It seems like he likes some outside time and enjoys his friendships that doesn't mean he doesn't love the time he's with his family
You wrote he always helps around the house and is very supportive of you.... Maybe this is something you could support him in??
I have to say that I wouldn't give up my close friendships …. They're very important to me....
I'm not trying to be unsupportive of you however just how I'd see this if I was being told to not spend time with my friends
When I am finally able to "catch up" with my friends, we may be on the phone for a long period of time - Thank goodness my husband isn't timing me!
What about your friends? Don't you like spending time with them? Do you have separate interests and/or hobbies? Or is your whole life wrapped up with your husband?
I'm with SunCloud on this.
PS. I find that the less I nag my husband and complain about his behaviors and what I "think" he should be doing, the less we fight.
I'm not sure how often he is with his friends over you, but a relationship works better with balance. He does not seem to be balancing his side. And you feel resentful because you are the only one with a job, and then he is wanting sex when you might not be in the mood, and you start to feel angry inside, like - why is he not working, outside with his friends, wanting sex now that I am tired from work.....
I used to be with a guy like that too, in my 20s. Your husband doesn't feel any responsibility to do any more than he already is. You two need to sit down and talk this over and you explain what you need from him in this relationship. It seems he is perfectly content with how things are now.
If it were me, I would probably go outside too... join them one time.... that might shut this down real quick :D
I don’t think I made myself clear which is a mistake on my part. I have never stopped him from going to see his friends late at night or during the day, or from
Them coming over, or from him talking to them on the phone. Although, lately he is on the phone with them for hours every single night even if he just saw them. Sometimes they will leave our place and then he’s talking to them even though he just saw them - this isn’t a “you can’t talk to your friends situation”. This is a “you talk to them more than you come inside and sit down to spend time with me” situation bc its every single night.
@GirlinCalif he is employed although relies on me for lots of things and lately he has been wanting to switch cars and I’m like shouldn’t you realize yourself that we’re not financially stable enough to get a different car right now? I can’t be the responsible one for everything.
And what is that - him getting so mad about things?
I do think you two need to straighten some things out before say, you bring kids into this (just my opinion... I saw your other post about you two trying to have kids now). You two can work it out.... he just needs to understand this is marriage, time to grow up, not just hang out with the single guys as much as before.... You are his first priority.
Speak up! You can do it.
I don’t know what you consider going off. There is mad and there is anger. If he’s losing his shit with you and it’s verbally volatile then that’s concerning but if he’s aggravated or pissed or frustrated and raising his voice, I don’t think is a problem. People do that sometimes.
Let me ask you this. Are you overhearing by chance, like a bit controlling. I only ask because I sense a little of that, not because I think you are the bad guy here. I don’t think either of you are the bad guy, but to get a sense of the dynamics of your relationship. Why did you marry him? I don’t see how one day he just woke up like this so that’s why I’m curious about the dynamic. He sounds like he’s almost rebelling a bit and I can’t help but think there is something to do with how you both see your roles in the relationship.
Having kids will exacerbate everything. Seriously.
That can happen when people feel out of control.... It's not being written to make you feel bad again as rmb wrote....
What about having a couple of counselling sessions with a marriage counsellor about how to relate to one another and work out your differences
I have found having discussions when you're really angry can be counter productive and make things worse..... Gentle hug...…
Sometimes getting on the same page in life with a partner does take effort and work...… xo
Big hug.... I hope that you can work things out......xo
I’m sorry that your needs are not being met and you’re feeling a bit left out of your husband’s life. It takes a lot of work to ensure that we are meeting one another needs, right? Do you think there is an underlying problem here that you may have not realized? One question that comes to my mind is what are you doing together?
My husband and I used to make sure that we had Friday night, date night. It was a lot of fun. We’d go out to dinner or take in a show. You mentioned that your husband was ill; is he feeling better? Have you thought about counseling as an option for building your relationship? It may be helpful. I’m sure thinking of you.