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I read a post this morning by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross about lying to your children and that prompted me to make this post. I have quite a different problem to relate. Lying by omission raised to an art form.
24 years ago I was married after living together for ten years. We immediately had a son and 2 years later had another son. I was 27 by this point in time and at that time in my life I was wrestling with oppressed memories of sexual abuse from when I was 7 years old. My wife-at-the-time saw an Oprah Winfrey show one day and Oprah said "Adult male survivors of sexual abuse are likely to become abusers themselves." As a result of this my ex-wife became reluctant to leave me alone with the boys for any reason. She got so paranoid over this that she called her parents who came over one day and took my family away from me for no reason and I had nothing to say about it.
I am not a monster, nor was I then. In fact I found out that when you suffer sexual abuse you can become an abuser or a defender. I found this out by reading "Victims No Longer: Men Recovering from Incest and Other Sexual Child Abuse" by Mike Lew. This book helped me a lot!
I had become a defender, but my ex-wife would hear none of it. She wouldn't let me see my boys. I even took her to court and got a court order to see them on the third Saturday of each month, but when I showed up for my first visit, she called the cops and had me removed. It didn't make a difference I had a court order, she claimed I was being aggressive (that was not true!).
We worked it out that I would call first before coming over to see them. I lived in Vancouver (on the mainland) and they lived in Nanaimo on Vancouver Island. So I would call first and take the ferry over to see them and when I got there, they were not home. This sort of thing went on for years. I did get to see my boys from time to time, but she would always try and sabotage our visits. Create lies to make me look bad. Forcibly cause me to disappoint my boys.
She beat me up so badly with this routine that it became less painful to just not see them. And so I stopped trying and sank into depression.
My ex-wife has had a strangle hold on my sons and to this day she medals in there lives.
I have always tried to keep in touch with my boys through phone calls and the odd visit. The last time I saw them in person was ten years ago. Now, my oldest son, is 24 and lives on his own, although he only lives 2 blocks from his mom's house. Older son was three years old when she took him away, but we had already established a bond and now he wants to be an artist like me. Younger son was too young when he was taken away and so he has never warmed up to me very much. I have been able to chat on line with my older son and keep in touch through an on line social network for almost a year now.
He sent me a letter the other day and asked me why I was never there for him? Why didn't he see more of me when he was growing up? What is the reason I stayed away?
So now what am I supposed to do? I feel he needs to know the truth, but is it right to just send an e-mail?
Here is a quote from his letter:
"I really Don't wish I was there... I wish you were Here... For all my life Ive wished that. Every Christmas, Parents night, Talent show, Puppet performance, Triumph, Failure, Family matter and Rebellion...
Fact of the matter is...
The ferry was like under $20 bucks to walk over, $40 to take the car.
My question is what was more important? No offense meant, But Come on Dad.
I MAYBE ASKING THE HARDEST QUESTION HERE....
WHAT KEPT YOU AWAY? IT WASN'T MOM.
I am shaking as I'm writing this because I'm scared of the answer."
He seems so certain it wasn't his mother, and yet it was. Anything I say, even though it's the truth will sound like a lie to him. He has been kept in the dark and lied to for so long now, would it be the cruelest blow of all to tell him the truth and shatter his image of his mother? I have always wanted to tell him the truth, but he was too young. Now he is 24 and has pointedly asked me. Is this my chance, or should I wait until we are face to face?
And that's what I am struggling with today.
GG
24 years ago I was married after living together for ten years. We immediately had a son and 2 years later had another son. I was 27 by this point in time and at that time in my life I was wrestling with oppressed memories of sexual abuse from when I was 7 years old. My wife-at-the-time saw an Oprah Winfrey show one day and Oprah said "Adult male survivors of sexual abuse are likely to become abusers themselves." As a result of this my ex-wife became reluctant to leave me alone with the boys for any reason. She got so paranoid over this that she called her parents who came over one day and took my family away from me for no reason and I had nothing to say about it.
I am not a monster, nor was I then. In fact I found out that when you suffer sexual abuse you can become an abuser or a defender. I found this out by reading "Victims No Longer: Men Recovering from Incest and Other Sexual Child Abuse" by Mike Lew. This book helped me a lot!
I had become a defender, but my ex-wife would hear none of it. She wouldn't let me see my boys. I even took her to court and got a court order to see them on the third Saturday of each month, but when I showed up for my first visit, she called the cops and had me removed. It didn't make a difference I had a court order, she claimed I was being aggressive (that was not true!).
We worked it out that I would call first before coming over to see them. I lived in Vancouver (on the mainland) and they lived in Nanaimo on Vancouver Island. So I would call first and take the ferry over to see them and when I got there, they were not home. This sort of thing went on for years. I did get to see my boys from time to time, but she would always try and sabotage our visits. Create lies to make me look bad. Forcibly cause me to disappoint my boys.
She beat me up so badly with this routine that it became less painful to just not see them. And so I stopped trying and sank into depression.
My ex-wife has had a strangle hold on my sons and to this day she medals in there lives.
I have always tried to keep in touch with my boys through phone calls and the odd visit. The last time I saw them in person was ten years ago. Now, my oldest son, is 24 and lives on his own, although he only lives 2 blocks from his mom's house. Older son was three years old when she took him away, but we had already established a bond and now he wants to be an artist like me. Younger son was too young when he was taken away and so he has never warmed up to me very much. I have been able to chat on line with my older son and keep in touch through an on line social network for almost a year now.
He sent me a letter the other day and asked me why I was never there for him? Why didn't he see more of me when he was growing up? What is the reason I stayed away?
So now what am I supposed to do? I feel he needs to know the truth, but is it right to just send an e-mail?
Here is a quote from his letter:
"I really Don't wish I was there... I wish you were Here... For all my life Ive wished that. Every Christmas, Parents night, Talent show, Puppet performance, Triumph, Failure, Family matter and Rebellion...
Fact of the matter is...
The ferry was like under $20 bucks to walk over, $40 to take the car.
My question is what was more important? No offense meant, But Come on Dad.
I MAYBE ASKING THE HARDEST QUESTION HERE....
WHAT KEPT YOU AWAY? IT WASN'T MOM.
I am shaking as I'm writing this because I'm scared of the answer."
He seems so certain it wasn't his mother, and yet it was. Anything I say, even though it's the truth will sound like a lie to him. He has been kept in the dark and lied to for so long now, would it be the cruelest blow of all to tell him the truth and shatter his image of his mother? I have always wanted to tell him the truth, but he was too young. Now he is 24 and has pointedly asked me. Is this my chance, or should I wait until we are face to face?
And that's what I am struggling with today.
GG
Just in the past few years I have begun to hear stories from my parents and my older sister about my family. It hurt momentarily, but I'm so glad I know and better understand where everyone is 'coming from'.
When I was 16 I was sexually abused by some random man and kept far from the legal process. My dad handled everything with the cops & counselors, and I heard differing stories from everyone. I know some people were right, and some were exaggerating, etc. Point is, to this day I still feel disrespected by being kept from the truth, since it involved me SO MUCH. I know this wasn't anyone's intentions, but that's how I feel. If it didn't hurt so much to bring it up, I'd confront them about it. I wish I had just been told the truth at the time, so that I could have been healing properly for the past decade.
I know it is easier said than done, but you seem very sincere and your post was very articulate. I feel that you will be able to discuss this with your son in a respectful manner. I think he deserves the truth, and you deserve to be able to tell the truth, in my opinion.
Best of luck.
I personally say tell him the truth. It may hurt a little but the truth is always the best way to go. He has been lied to all his life by his mother, he doesnt need to be lied to as an adult by you....
Best of luck
I'm not defending his mother, but she was lying to protect her children from a perceived threat. Her thought process was backed-up by societal pressures. It was thought that a sexually abused male was doomed to become an offender.
Hopefully your son is mature enough to realize that all of you were victimized by your abuser. You lost your sons. Your children lost their father. Your ex was forced to lie to protect her children from what she thought was a life of sexual abuse.
Tell the truth. Once they know, your children should be able to forgive you for being absent and your wife for lying about you.
Peace to you and your family. I hope you get through this...
You have expressed your feelings quite well in your post and perhaps writing a letter to your son about everything that took place during that time might be of some help as well. I do think you should invite him over and talk face to face but have that letter handy as well and give it to him if he wishes to see it. I also would not focus so much on blaming your ex as I would in expressing how you felt about him and being away from him.
After all there is no need to make him hate her or get mixed feelings after all this time has passed. You have court papers that can prove what you went through in your attempts to see him if he is in doubt about you not wanting him in his life. I think the main focus is letting him know you never stopped loving him or caring for him but the circumstances at that time made it difficult to show it all.
In all aspects be truthful with him and give him some time to absorb it all. And again even though your ex had issues with you and she tried to shut you out of their lives try and focus on the great dad you can be now. I think with patience and understanding your boys will be able to accept and understand you a whole lot better. Wishing you the very best:)
The truth is best. Face to face is best. You don't have to make your ex the bad guy. Explain the split up and your efforts to keep in touch. Keep it focused on your feelings and loss.
Huumm, I wonder if checking out Marshall Rosenberg's website at www.nonviolentcommunication.com would help you frame your explanation. I think it's worth a look. Check it out.
Sorry for your lost years. I hope this is a new beginning.
Another book by Mike Lew you may like:
Leaping Upon the Mountains: Men Proclaiming Victory Over Sexual Child Abuse