Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hello all. I have been reading through posts because I am sure what I am about to describe is far too common. My wife and I have been together since we were Jr's in high school, some 16 years ago. We manged to stay together through college while attending different Universities and then got married a year after we graduated in 2007. We currently have a 3-year-old son and a baby girl due in April, which scares me shitless in the greatest way imagineable. My wife and I, like any long term relationships, have had our ups and downs and rocky patches, especially throughout our college years. Throughout the last couple years I have really had a difficult time in finding passion, physically and emotionally for my wife. I know I love her and always will, as well as wouldn't trade our "leave it to beaver" lifestyle for anything. I have recently began having some depression in the thinking that this is as good as our relationship will ever be, which has begun to become evident in our daily communication or lack there of. Knowing this is a biased thinking, I know I am "it" for my wife and she has never doubted that. Out of context, I know that is a very errogent and naive statement to make. I also have always wanted her to be "it" for me as well, but in the last couple years I have started to question that idea and if there is such thing as a soul mate. I'm not unrealistic in knowing that the "googly phase" (for lack of a better term) won't last forever, but is it possible to even get anywhere near those feelings again, after being together for so many years.
Believe me, I've heard many variations of what we need to do or should be doing. Things like, schedule date nights, communicate our feelings, plan a get away, support each other, and so on and so on... The hard part is we are not light switches. I cannot go from unhappy and seemingly miserable to all the sudden wanting to go on a date or spend time with someone who is making me unhappy. If I could I would flip the switch and go back to the passionate days. Another difficult aspect is our relationship moves along in accordance to my thoughts, feelings, and attitudes, which is not what I want at all. I want and urge my wife to find activities she enjoys and then possibly doing them together. As those of you with kids know, those activities turn into watching your kids join and play those activities, which we both love and enjoy. In a sense, our son and soon to be girl is the only thing we have in common and can agree on. I guess through this rambling and pity party I am just curious if anyone has insight as to if the passion and "in love" feelings ever return? Growing up I wasn't fond of the expression, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and unfotunately I can't think of a better way to describe where I am with my wife.
Thank you for any thoughts and/or ideas
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
Totally agree with Cora Belle: love is an action. Love your wife. This whole "love vs in love" debate is just a distraction. And the idea of a soul mate is nonsense.
Being married involves conscious decisions. This shit doesn't magically happen. It's not some mystery. It's will.
I just joined this group and I haven't read through the postings yet, but I'll throw in my two cents. I've been married 28 years this month (together for 30). This "love" thing is a decision one makes every day, and yes, some days are easier than others to follow through on that decision. The passion? In my opinion, it ebbs and flows. I've found that if I just trust that, it comes around again. My husband was at the grocery store a couple weeks ago and when I got off work I went to find him and surprise him. I had butterflies in my stomach and a flush to my cheeks as I looked down each aisle searching for him. I felt like a schoolgirl in love. Other days I barely remember to say hi when I get home.
You mention encouraging your wife to do something new. Have you thought about this for yourself? Try doing something for yourself to ignite your passions. Take a class. Develop a hobby. Join a club. Read a book. Paint. Sing. Whatever. You might find that you have a lust for life again and that may overflow to your wife. At the least, you'll have something new to bring to the relationship which might inspire your wife to do the same.
Lastly, remember why you chose her to begin with. Focus on the qualities you fell in love with. I'm sure they weren't her perfect looks or body, but probably her sensitivity or her laugh, perhaps her sense of humor or failed attempts at one. Most likely those things are still in there, Rediscover.
Good luck,
L
It is possible that you lost it, but it is also possible that you have way too many stressors preventing from reconnecting as lovers.
Date nights are not a magic wand, but they are beneficial in terms of keeping some focus on the two of you.
One thing that has to happen on date nights is - no discussing work or children.
The other issues is that during the child raising stage many people stop growing as individuals, independentl from the relarionship, and this frankly makes the relationship boring.
I have to assure you though that as the children grow up, you will have more time for each other and eventually your wife can get back to the passion, but she has to understand how you feel in this relationship and be mature enough not to throw a fit that you are feeling down.
Do you have any couple friends who you can go out with and party or do something fun?
SuzA
This is your problem. If you keep waiting until you "feel like it" to go on a date, that will never happen and you will just grow more and more distant. Schedule a date night and go on it whether you feel like it or not. The first few times maybe awkward but things will ease up and after some time you'll start enjoying yourself.
Also, don't overly compartmentalise. What I mean by this is, don't wait UNTIL date night to show affection. Do little acts of affection daily. Ruffle her hair when you pass by, drop her a quick kiss, grab her booty. Someone has to start doing these things. Start and then you'll see a change in her too. You have to DO those things to start FEELING.
However it was a big failure for me that I sure didn't feel great about.... The grass isn't always greener... Our minds tend to fill in the blanks sometimes
If you don't want to make an effort within your marriage..... I would talk to your wife about this after the baby is born.... I would let her go so that she can be with someone who loves her and she can make a life that she's happy in.... It will hurt her for a while however she will move on and then you are free to do what you think will make you happier
Being miserable within your marriage will only hurt both of you and you both deserve a whole lot more then that and your wife deserves to be loved.... IMHO and I'm not trying to be unkind you aren't doing her any favours if you don't want to put forth an effort to make it work..... Big hug.....xo