Hes your best friend is what your saying...Does he know that? Does he feel the same ways? Maybe you two should sit down and talk about how your feeling what you want to come of your re entering of each others lives and talk about what you want for the future!

somehow you to moved in and he's in his own bedroom? So that would tend to indicate he knows it's a platonic relationship? Unless he's been saying something else I don't see here. Your already separate as roomates as in beds etc. So just reiterate that with him and see what goes.

I think you have to find out what ties you to him. Answering that question I think will help you in deciding what you want to do next. I know you said you love him but are not in love with him. Yet there seems to be some reason you stay with him. Perhaps talking to a counselor might help. Also you might want to consider moving out again or asking him to move out and really take a look at that possibility and how you feel about it before you make that move. It might give you some ideas as to why you feel the type of connection you have with him as well as why you got back together with him from the last separation.

Maybe it is because you know in some ways he is dependable and would always help you out if you needed it and one couldn't ask for a better roommate in that aspect. It sounds like you both have a long history together but maybe breaking up the routine you have had with him for so many years is quite scary deep down. I know when you said you had separated that you remained in close contact all those years so perhaps in some ways you never really moved on and in some ways that routine you both had was never really changed. I guess these are the things I would try to find the answers too. Wishing you success in not only finding your answers but taking steps in having better future:)

Jayda, Ancestral, and Katiebell68:

Thank you for your input. Yes, Jayda, he is my best friend. And no, Ancestral, he does not feel the same way; he would like us to get back together as a married couple.

I was never in love with him even when we got married and I told him that. He said he had enough love for both of us...and I guess he does, but somehow it doesn't work that way.

I married him because he pushed my abandonment buttons (it took me many, many years to realize that), but in the meantime I have certainly learned to love him...I'm just not in love with him.

When I write that it seems clear enough, but don't we all hate to hurt someone we love?

And katiebell68, what ties me to him? I told myself I'd never marry someone like my father who was an alcoholic, a womanizer, and irresponsible with money. The man I married is none of those things. But 15 years into the marriage I realized I had indeed married an aspect of my father--both men were emotionally unavailable to me.

So, I wonder---does he remind me of my father, whom I loved dearly in spite of the abuse and neglect? Oh, my head is pounding trying to unravel this.

I think you're right Katiebell68, maybe I never really left. Sure, I left him in NY for 8 years while I moved to AZ, but we were still in touch, especially on holidays and neither of us ever signed divorce papers, tho there were all ready to be signed.

I'm so courageous in other areas, but maybe I'm too scared to really leave in this area. Guess I need to uncover more courage to move on.

Need more courage to create the life I want.

SuzA66, I would say all that you have said in both post are true and you would strike all those up to two words "Comfort Zone". He is your comfort zone. He is your best friend, he pushed your abandonment buttons to marry him even though you said you weren't in love with him. By your account he is a good father and yes he even reminds you of your father. All that spells comfort zone. I know how that can be. I have been there done that and still there.
I think the trick is pulling yourself up by your boot straps and step out into life and don't look back. And the first step is to sign the divorce papers. After that the world is yours. I think that will be the hardest thing you ever do but at the same time the best thing you will ever do. It will give you the strength to take the next step. Start your own life.

I will be praying for you girlfriend.

DeidreRenee:

Thanks so much for your input. It's scary so it must hold some truth for me, otherwise it wouldn't impact me at all.

I'll be with what I need to do, and move from there.

Smiles to you.