Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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pam96 12/28/2007

I have been married for 9 years. My husband left in September & we have been separated since. We began "seeing" eachother again in November. He tells me all the time that he does love me but he's not sure if he can live with me. I have been doing a lot of reading & self evaluation & while I believe he has many issues that he needs to deal with, I am making a lot of discoveries about myself.
After reading up on love addiction, I now believe I am one. I feel as though my life is defined by being his wife & that I am not a whole person without him. Obviously these are issues (along with numerous others) that I need to work on for myself. My question is: After being in a relationship like this, can the damage be undone & is there hope for a healthy marriage even if I have been addicted to him? Can I still be with him & love him even if the love has been an addiction or do I need to give him up & move on? I'm so confused because addiction or not, I love him with all my heart! I know he still loves me....can I heal what is an unhealthy love right now? Please, help!!

deleted_user 12/28/2007

i believe you can...but it takes a lot of work....

koolman 12/28/2007

I wish I was "qualified" to answer this one. All I can say is, it seems to me that the two of you may be a bit mismatched. You can't help being you, and loving this man with all your heart, even if this love is to fill some lack that you have within yourself (believe me, you're not alone) and he can't help being him, loving you but feeling suffocated in a domestic situation with you. We can't help being ourselves; it's a matter of finding someone who responds positively to us, in all our strengths and frailties. It may be time to move on, all the while looking for some other creative outlet outside our relationships, a hobby, a cause, working with children, the elderly, politics, the environment, whatever, that helps us find some sense of completion and fulfillment independent of anyone else. Hope this helps.

deleted_user 12/28/2007

marriage is a lot of hard work....you two have quite a lot of water under the bridge...and if you love eachother...why give up?

when my oh and i were separated i read a book called "Hope For The Separated." it was very insightful.

it takes two to tango. if you are both willing to love eachother and work on yourselves and your marriage, there is hope to have a healthy relationship.

CarlaBent 12/28/2007

Well, there is still love between the two of you, and that's certainly a very good starting point!!!! Love is the very foundation upon which to build a healthy relationship!!!!
I hope he is working on his own issues too, as you are with yours!!
Are you guys planning on trying some marital counseling? It might be extremely helpful in finding the answers to the questions you are asking!!
As you find 'yourself', the two of you may grow apart, in different directions -- or you may grow much closer than you ever before have been, in new and healthy ways!!!!!
I certainly think there is hope for the two of you to have a healthy marriage, even though it is by no means a given!!!
And most certainly, with such an investment of time and with love still being there at any level, I think you two should give it your best shot!!!!!
Good luck to the both of you!!! I hope it works out and that you guys are happier than you ever thought possible!!!!!

deleted_user 01/17/2008

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I think your situation is a common one, brought about by modern life !!!

Love and living together in a 24/7 society is very demanding and can lead to many insecurities because of so many factors directly & indirectly.

I know that I personally like seperate homes, as it keeps things more balanced by having space to breathe.

Loving does not mean 'having to' live in the same house, which is a pre-meditated condition laid down by a conforming society.

The groundrules for a Healthy Relationship are set by YOUR parameters, not anyone elses and certainly NOT by society.

I wish you the best of luck however which way you go Friend.

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deleted_user 01/18/2008

Hey you don't love him in a healthy way.You have to work on that yourself.He will clobber you if you go back and try to heal this problem with him in the picture.I am sorry but men will take what they can get,and take and take,and take if you are in a give,give,give mode.You will lose yourself and him to.Heal first.If he loves you he will be there.

deleted_user 02/08/2008

Yes you can! You are a strong woman. I know that it is so easy to get in the same routine, and being his wife is your routine. You are smart, strong, and independant. I think that you have become accoustumed to being dependant on someone else and I think you need to spend some time find yourself. Don't worry about him, or find someone else, just focus on YOU and what YOU want. I think it will do you alot of good. Then once you have figured yourself out, and love yourself, you can love someone else.

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