Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
The past year has been full of changes in my life. Some good some not so good. One of my goals for the past few years was to get a better job...one more challenging and with more pay. I finally after sending at endless resumes accomplished that in Dec. It led me to make a short move as well in order to have a decent commute. All that has worked out wonderfully. Love the job and love my short-term rental. In May I'm moving back to my townhouse which I have rented out for the last 8 years. Kind of exciting but a little nerve-wracking as there are several renovations I'd like to do. Anyway, point is career and living situation are good at the moment.
What I'm struggling with is relationships, not necessarily romantic (that's on hold atm), but with friends and family. After 50 plus years of putting up with my mom's intolerable narcissistic behavior, I finally went "limited" contact with her a year ago. I'm glad I did and wish I had been wise enough to do it years ago. As for her, not even sure she's noticed I went limited contact. She across the country from me and keeps herself quite busy bossing around my younger brother and his wife, and playing grandma (which she actually does well) with my three young nephews. But it makes me so sad. My dad, who was my go-to guy, died almost thirty years ago. It's so upsetting to have a parent still alive but to have no real relationship with her. Don't get me wrong....I'm not looking to figure out how to make it work with my mom....been there many times, done that and tried. Not interested anymore based on the pain and fallout it causes.
In the meantime, about four months later, the guy I dated for a year turned his back on me and walked out of my life. Again, I don't want him back but he did serve a purpose. After leaving an abusive relationship, he came into my life about a year later and we had a blast. Fine dining, fun getaways, life was just one big party. Really just what I needed after what I had been through. I know he doesn't belong in my life anymore, but again it's another loss.
In addition over the past year, I have lost two close friends. In one case, I tried to find out what was wrong, what I had done to cause her to no longer want to be my friend out of the blue. Instead of acknowledging our relationship had changed, she played it off as being "busy." So I tried to behave like we were still friends. But given her reactions, I finally realized that wasn't the case. It really hurt. She was probably the person I confided in the most when going through the abusive relationship. Well, for whatever reason she is not interested in being good friends anymore.
Then another close friend has refused to talk to me for almost three months. I think she has a drinking problem and her behavior had been insulting and bossy for sometime. I would laugh it off. When we out in January she had many glasses of wine and started up again as we were paying the tab. I really don't believe she is even aware of how she sounds. But I left that evening very upset with her and told her as much. A couple weeks later I tried to reach out to her and asked if we could talk. Her response, "It may be a while before I can talk to you again." WTF. And for the record, there was another friend with us that evening and she thinks the woman in question has a serious drinking problem that is now affecting her cognitively and serious emotional issues. She also can't believe that my friend won't talk to me. Interestingly, the friend isn't talking to her either.
God I know this long, but I just need to get it out. So last week, the lady who owns the farm where I board my horse started up with her passive-aggressive behavior again. Instead of taking it as I usually do, I pushed back. OMG she was unbelievable. FInally I said this has nothing to do with me being in a bad mood or misinterpreting what you said to me, this has to do with your behavior. Then the apologies started. I don't like this woman and I certainly don't trust her as a friend. I knew when I moved my horse to her farm in Dec. that it could be a problem, but I knew my horse would only be there until May and I also know she takes very good care of horses....so I thought I could make it work. What happened last week was really just a matter of time. Of course, now I'm expediting the search for a new farm. But again, another relationship down the tube.
So, wise people, how does one move on and try to find new meaningful relationships at my age? And let go peacefully of those that have been lost? I've learned alot about myself and others in the past year. I'm an introvert so I don't need to be with people constantly. But I do want long-standing friendships that are mutually beneficial and respectful. How?
What I'm struggling with is relationships, not necessarily romantic (that's on hold atm), but with friends and family. After 50 plus years of putting up with my mom's intolerable narcissistic behavior, I finally went "limited" contact with her a year ago. I'm glad I did and wish I had been wise enough to do it years ago. As for her, not even sure she's noticed I went limited contact. She across the country from me and keeps herself quite busy bossing around my younger brother and his wife, and playing grandma (which she actually does well) with my three young nephews. But it makes me so sad. My dad, who was my go-to guy, died almost thirty years ago. It's so upsetting to have a parent still alive but to have no real relationship with her. Don't get me wrong....I'm not looking to figure out how to make it work with my mom....been there many times, done that and tried. Not interested anymore based on the pain and fallout it causes.
In the meantime, about four months later, the guy I dated for a year turned his back on me and walked out of my life. Again, I don't want him back but he did serve a purpose. After leaving an abusive relationship, he came into my life about a year later and we had a blast. Fine dining, fun getaways, life was just one big party. Really just what I needed after what I had been through. I know he doesn't belong in my life anymore, but again it's another loss.
In addition over the past year, I have lost two close friends. In one case, I tried to find out what was wrong, what I had done to cause her to no longer want to be my friend out of the blue. Instead of acknowledging our relationship had changed, she played it off as being "busy." So I tried to behave like we were still friends. But given her reactions, I finally realized that wasn't the case. It really hurt. She was probably the person I confided in the most when going through the abusive relationship. Well, for whatever reason she is not interested in being good friends anymore.
Then another close friend has refused to talk to me for almost three months. I think she has a drinking problem and her behavior had been insulting and bossy for sometime. I would laugh it off. When we out in January she had many glasses of wine and started up again as we were paying the tab. I really don't believe she is even aware of how she sounds. But I left that evening very upset with her and told her as much. A couple weeks later I tried to reach out to her and asked if we could talk. Her response, "It may be a while before I can talk to you again." WTF. And for the record, there was another friend with us that evening and she thinks the woman in question has a serious drinking problem that is now affecting her cognitively and serious emotional issues. She also can't believe that my friend won't talk to me. Interestingly, the friend isn't talking to her either.
God I know this long, but I just need to get it out. So last week, the lady who owns the farm where I board my horse started up with her passive-aggressive behavior again. Instead of taking it as I usually do, I pushed back. OMG she was unbelievable. FInally I said this has nothing to do with me being in a bad mood or misinterpreting what you said to me, this has to do with your behavior. Then the apologies started. I don't like this woman and I certainly don't trust her as a friend. I knew when I moved my horse to her farm in Dec. that it could be a problem, but I knew my horse would only be there until May and I also know she takes very good care of horses....so I thought I could make it work. What happened last week was really just a matter of time. Of course, now I'm expediting the search for a new farm. But again, another relationship down the tube.
So, wise people, how does one move on and try to find new meaningful relationships at my age? And let go peacefully of those that have been lost? I've learned alot about myself and others in the past year. I'm an introvert so I don't need to be with people constantly. But I do want long-standing friendships that are mutually beneficial and respectful. How?
I want to say put yourself out there to meet new people but that is easy for me to say I am an extrovert.
Can you join some meetup groups or do some volunteering?
I don't feel like I am helping much.
Your sentence .. "I left that evening very upset with her and told her as much" is very telling.
also this sentence... " started up with her passive-aggressive behavior again. Instead of taking it as I usually do, I pushed back"
In my opinion as people we can have the luxury of giving people a piece of our mind, or the luxury of being likable. Rarely do the 2 go hand in hand. kind of like when Dr. Phil says.. " Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy"
When we confront people we should think it through, Do we really expect them to stop what they are doing, admit what they were doing wrong and apologize to us? We would be pretty special if that were to happen! Usually people only do that for a boss or someone in a position of power... but probably make faces behind their back! lol
Could you be damaging people's pride when you are confronting them?
When people criticize you, do you stop and think about it, tell them they were so right and thank them for correcting YOUR character?
So I guess in answer to your "How to have good relationships... I would say before you "tell someone as much" run it through your mind and think about how YOU would feel if someone said the exact thing to you. If you find yourself saying.. "Well I would never make that mistake in the first place and need to be told"... Then maybe you'll need to find some very high quality people who don't suffer from many human failings. They will be few and far between, because most people are flawed.
Good Luck!
I am sorry for all the emotional pain you are going through. Sometimes we just lose people because it is meant to be..
I m not saying we have no control everything, but at our age everyone has crap, everyone has baggage and in a " me" culture, we all become a little more self -centered and it ruins friendships and relationships.
I feel like I'm learning a lot of important life lessons late in life. Always considered myself a late bloomer...lol. Better late than never though.
One Too, yea, I've been trying the meet ups. Actually had dinner the other night with a nice older guy I met through a meet up group. Applying my new lessons, when he asked me out I said yes but that I was interested in dating at the moment but would like to be friends. He appreciated my candor and we had a lovely dinner.
Thanks again for listening (reading). I've been creeping on this board for awhile and I'm always impressed with insightful and helpful responses.
Having said that, when you have been in a long term semi-abusive relationship with a parent/sibling, etc, you are probably not choosing your friends with the best lens in place. I think Itwist probably has a bit of a rescuer heart and chooses those in need of rescue. Maybe.
Point being Itwist, start fresh with both thoughts in mind and choose friends based on your great merits as a human being.
All of this will hopefully only make you stronger and more confident in who you are, no matter how it currently feels. Best of luck and I hope you have a year of healthy relationships.
I too am introverted, yet married. But I would like a long term friend as well. I had a buddy who I worked with for 16 years here. He past 2 years ago. It has been harder on me lately as I always had him here to confide in. Now I try to deal, but can be hard at times. For this reason is why I have come to forums and chat sites. To meet people that may have similar interests or can relate to the same issues I have. Having a spouse is great, but there is the need to have an outside person to talk with, I feel. Wherever I have worked, I had always found one person to talk candidly with. Now I find it hard.
I wish you the best, but you know you have friends here to talk to.