Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
HI, All,
I probably need better than a push because I was involved with a Border Line Personality women for over 2 yrs, but really didn't know it unitl the last 6-7 months for sure. I am 62 she is 60.
Of course as most BDP people go, and because she has money , she just about redid everything on her, and just complete face lift /neck lift etc. Very expensive. She didn't need it.
In the 1st 8 months I was like in heaven. She knew my every need. They go thru 3 phases as I learned. She has been in the Hater phase in the last 5-7 months. I did break up with her in Sept, only to be pulled back in a month later and glad to do it. Dumb I know. I don't want that to happen again, so I am reaching out, and tryint ot help others.
She would rage out of control without notice many times, more than a few occur at dinner as she would hold my hand , tell me she love me, and without cause burst into rage that would lead to screamming and punching in the car. One such moment we were finsihing up a romantic dinner, and I mentioned I would love to take her on a cruise, and I would pay, and she went nuts about she may be changing jobs, which resulted in her jumping out out of the car at a stop light. I assure you, no angry words were spoken by me other then to tell her to clam down, and what the problem , but she would bring up A to z , and then some. Then burst into tears.
Oh, and no matter how much you would do for her, and I did a lot, she would either find fault, make something up, or I'd missed something, and I would hear about it incessiantly, with her saying, How could I live with anyone that could do such a thing. They do have probelms with that. Putting together things. They remember things, but do not associate any feeling with them. They only can see the last thing.
Now, on other days, she was very romantic, affectionate, and couldn't say enough about me, and what a great guy I was, but the problem was, I never could tell when she would trigger, and as I read the trigger ,
for BDP people is me, and that's it. The wild swing back and forth and you just hope they return to that wonderful loving person, that even on the otherside was too good to be true. But I love it.
I saw all the red flags and avoided everyone so it's certainly ,my fault. Coming out of a 34 yrs marriage, I wanted so much to have a loving relationship and here was this beautiful girl, so in love, and they really do fall in love, as they think, the next guy is their Knight in shining armor and they will tell you, and she did, how all decieved and used her. They always play the victim well.
The Red Flags: No one in her family, brother , sisters, aunts or uncles,cousins, have anything to do with her. She has no real friends, and the one she did have, she threw her away like a dirty rag when she didn't agree with her. Engaged 4 times, married 3, and I heard her talk so rudely to people on the phone when ordering things. I should have run right there. I also bumped into her ex boyfriend with her there who told me, as he pull me gently on the side, to runaway, that she is insane. Oh, and then even talking to friends she would get insanely jealous and read me the riot act in private. She not really insane, she just has that illness.
So, many other things, but lucky for her, she can stay at home as she has a very small business, and work when she wants and has money, enough to retire comfortably.
My porblem, is I just broke up with her, for those reasons and then when I found her on a dating site, she refused to remove herself, telling me, know one tells her what to do. And she hasn't dated anyone. (Liek you go on a dating site and stay because why????) To me, that was the last straw.
I haven't contacted her in a week, she did text me, but I am sure she is on her way to meet the next but wants me around. I not going to do that.
But it is so hard, and I guess what I feel is the lost of a relationship, as bad and brutal as that was, and in my mind , I am cutting the film to only the parts I loved and wanted, and not the whole. I always knew we couldn't live together. I did, but yet , I stayed, so I need to heal , and I am getting some support from friends & family and they tell me to stay away for good.
I guess and encouraging words would help,. but if any of you are dating a person who you suspect is a BPD, please be advised this is a very serious illness. Don't let the word BOrder fool you. Look up BDP in a relationship.
FOr those of you engaged, or married, I guess you should both get counseling. FOr those dating one, I really have to tell you, to move on. It will only get worst in many ways than better. You will lose yourself in this realtionship trying to save her.
Thanks
I probably need better than a push because I was involved with a Border Line Personality women for over 2 yrs, but really didn't know it unitl the last 6-7 months for sure. I am 62 she is 60.
Of course as most BDP people go, and because she has money , she just about redid everything on her, and just complete face lift /neck lift etc. Very expensive. She didn't need it.
In the 1st 8 months I was like in heaven. She knew my every need. They go thru 3 phases as I learned. She has been in the Hater phase in the last 5-7 months. I did break up with her in Sept, only to be pulled back in a month later and glad to do it. Dumb I know. I don't want that to happen again, so I am reaching out, and tryint ot help others.
She would rage out of control without notice many times, more than a few occur at dinner as she would hold my hand , tell me she love me, and without cause burst into rage that would lead to screamming and punching in the car. One such moment we were finsihing up a romantic dinner, and I mentioned I would love to take her on a cruise, and I would pay, and she went nuts about she may be changing jobs, which resulted in her jumping out out of the car at a stop light. I assure you, no angry words were spoken by me other then to tell her to clam down, and what the problem , but she would bring up A to z , and then some. Then burst into tears.
Oh, and no matter how much you would do for her, and I did a lot, she would either find fault, make something up, or I'd missed something, and I would hear about it incessiantly, with her saying, How could I live with anyone that could do such a thing. They do have probelms with that. Putting together things. They remember things, but do not associate any feeling with them. They only can see the last thing.
Now, on other days, she was very romantic, affectionate, and couldn't say enough about me, and what a great guy I was, but the problem was, I never could tell when she would trigger, and as I read the trigger ,
for BDP people is me, and that's it. The wild swing back and forth and you just hope they return to that wonderful loving person, that even on the otherside was too good to be true. But I love it.
I saw all the red flags and avoided everyone so it's certainly ,my fault. Coming out of a 34 yrs marriage, I wanted so much to have a loving relationship and here was this beautiful girl, so in love, and they really do fall in love, as they think, the next guy is their Knight in shining armor and they will tell you, and she did, how all decieved and used her. They always play the victim well.
The Red Flags: No one in her family, brother , sisters, aunts or uncles,cousins, have anything to do with her. She has no real friends, and the one she did have, she threw her away like a dirty rag when she didn't agree with her. Engaged 4 times, married 3, and I heard her talk so rudely to people on the phone when ordering things. I should have run right there. I also bumped into her ex boyfriend with her there who told me, as he pull me gently on the side, to runaway, that she is insane. Oh, and then even talking to friends she would get insanely jealous and read me the riot act in private. She not really insane, she just has that illness.
So, many other things, but lucky for her, she can stay at home as she has a very small business, and work when she wants and has money, enough to retire comfortably.
My porblem, is I just broke up with her, for those reasons and then when I found her on a dating site, she refused to remove herself, telling me, know one tells her what to do. And she hasn't dated anyone. (Liek you go on a dating site and stay because why????) To me, that was the last straw.
I haven't contacted her in a week, she did text me, but I am sure she is on her way to meet the next but wants me around. I not going to do that.
But it is so hard, and I guess what I feel is the lost of a relationship, as bad and brutal as that was, and in my mind , I am cutting the film to only the parts I loved and wanted, and not the whole. I always knew we couldn't live together. I did, but yet , I stayed, so I need to heal , and I am getting some support from friends & family and they tell me to stay away for good.
I guess and encouraging words would help,. but if any of you are dating a person who you suspect is a BPD, please be advised this is a very serious illness. Don't let the word BOrder fool you. Look up BDP in a relationship.
FOr those of you engaged, or married, I guess you should both get counseling. FOr those dating one, I really have to tell you, to move on. It will only get worst in many ways than better. You will lose yourself in this realtionship trying to save her.
Thanks
I really don't know anything about Borderline Personality, but it sounds a lot like Bipolar.
I am glad that you educated yourself, and decided to get out. Take care of you, the right lady will come along.
Jack
I have bipolar. I was also diagnosed yrs ago with bpd. but I am.pretty sure they were wrong. the only characteristics I have used in diagnosing bpd.. is all or nothing thinking (black and white, no grey).. and trouble maintaining healthy relationships. but I work hard to.
I agree that you went through a lot. I feel for ya. but saying that if you find out yur mate has bpd to run,and that it will only get worse, is not only unfair, but uneducated, presumptuous and stereotypical. there are a lot of causes of bpd, but childhood trauma seems to be at the top. ,..not limited to, sexual, physical and mental abuse. abandonment ... and others. and while its an emotional illness, so medicine woulda probably not help much... a person is very capable, with some very hard work and patience, to dig to the root of their underlying issue, accept it, work through it, get past it.. and then reprogram all the negative thouhts and thought patterns that make up their behavior.
if a person falls in love with a person with bpd... and the bpd person is willing to and wants to make changes and actively work toward healing process. . then whos) should they run? . why not try to understand the illness and work with that person towards a healthy, or at least a healthier .. relationship. it is not impossible and I think that the person is already where their. at in terms of how bad its gonna be. they've been that way for years . why would it get worse. . ? I am glad u said "she's not insane, she just has that illness" so many people lump the is and has together to form "my son " IS " bipolar. " no. your son HAS bipolar. he IS your son.
anyway. I'm sorry that you had to endure that. it is very hard. and I believe a person should be given the choice if they want to get involved in that, the affected person should tell them, before jumping in, that thus us what they will be challanged with.
But you are right, if you are together, and if she can truly reocgnize it, there is a chance if he really works with her, understands her, and has patience, loce and caring for her.
JAck
I'm blessed ( for now) with a man who deals with a real lot of exhausting crap from me, and even though sometimes not so nicely, he stays and does his best. he definitely loves me. good luck, and stay strong.