Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Okay so, I need some advice with my new boyfriend. I'm 27 and he's 29, we've been together for about 4 months.
For a bit of background, I got out of a 6 year relationship last year and he has had a handful of short term relationships except for a girl he dated for 3 years and ended when he was 21. He was very hurt by this relationship ending and didn't date anyone for about 5 years after it ended. He also suffers from social anxiety, so spent these 5 years almost completely alone. Only in the past couple of years he was able to break free of this and force himself to be more social. However, this has caused him to become extremely independent, and he admits he finds it hard to "integrate" someone into his life.
I've been having some thoughts about him lately and wondering whether this relationship is going to work or not. He's started a new job, which means that I only see him on the weekends. During the week, he's not much of a talker, he's working from 3:30AM through until 4:30PM and staying away from home. There's not alot of communication during the week, which is a problem for me. We'll text back and forth a couple of times and talk on the phone once during the week, usually around Wednesday night. I'm not sure if this is normal? I have spoken to him about this, and he says he just doesn't see the point as he doesn't have a lot to say and is also extremely tired. It was not like this when he was working a normal 9-5 job.
He always sees me on the weekends, usually from Saturday morning through until Sunday night, but he brought up with me yesterday that he feels "obligated" to spend the whole weekend with me. He says it's not that he doesn't want to see me, and he always enjoys the time we spend together, but there's also other things he wants to do with his spare time but feels can't because it's the only opportunity we have to see each other. I told him that he doesn't have to see me all weekend, every weekend. I hate that we can only see eachother on the weekends, but they are precious and everyone needs their alone time sometimes, especially after a big week. I told him that I care about him and his wellbeing and if he needs some time on the weekend to himself then he should have it. I told him I don't want to put any pressure on him.
This lead to a conversation about how he admitted that he has some commitment issues. He cannot stay in one job, one house, or with one girl for very long. He doesn't really know why this is. He says he really wants to make things work with me, he really likes me and sees that we have something good, but he can't shake the fear of losing his freedom and having expectations put on him.
I asked him if he still wanted to keep doing this (relationship) and he says he really does, it has crossed his mind before how things would be easier (for him) if we didn't see each other anymore, but deep down he knows he doesn't want to end it and he wants to make it work. He says when we are together there's nowhere else he'd rather be or anything else he'd rather be doing, so he's confused about what he's so scared of. He feels maybe he needs to get past this "stage" he's at where he usually pulls the pin. He says he wishes he could speed up time and get over where he's at right now.
I'm doing my best to look out for myself at the same time, it's a really frustrating & draining situation to be in, but there's a voice in my head that continues to quiet any thoughts I have of ending this right now. I don't know what it is, but when we do see each other, it just feels right. Nothing about it seems off. He really is worth it to me, as hard as that is for my friends & family to understand.
I guess I just want to see what other people think. Should I set myself some kind of deadline to see some changes in him? Should I not expect any changes at all? Should I suggest a break from each other while he works out what he wants?
I can see that he really wants this relationship, to work and he cares a lot about me, he just doesn't know how to do it.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
He says he finds being in a relationship really hard, and he knows he has compromises to make. He keeps telling me not to worry, and that we'll work through it together. I believe that he means it, but I don't entirely believe that it'll happen.
If things stay in this half-relationship mode, I know what I have to do. But I just wonder if anyone has any advice or if they've been in a similar situation.
I don't know whether I should continue to stick it out to see if maybe he's just going through an adjustment period? He did touch on, as I said above, wanting to get "past" this 3-4 month stage. He's not used to having to talk to someone every day, he's not used to being expected to see them all weekend long, he's not really used to having anybody care about him at all, he's used to just looking after himself. Especially with the social anxiety clouding his judgement, too.
I suppose I just need to decide wether or not he's worth it? Can I be patient enough but also go into this without any expectations, because chances are that he will not change.
If he gave you enough attention, you wouldn't wait for the weekend so anxiously.
He works 13 hour days but he doesn't work 6 days a week, does he ?
Where I have a problem is when you wrote "losing his freedom and having expectations put on him"..... Of course people aren't free to do anything they want when in a relationship.... that's commitment and of course there are some expectations that are part of it.....That's what being part of a couple is all about.
I would have an honest discussion with him about how you're feeling and also with yourself..... You can't have it both ways ya know.....and he seems to want his cake and eat it to..... Big hug..... xo
I divide jumpers roughly
In two categories - winners and the lost souls.
My best friend is the winner -jumper. When she jumps, it is always a step up. Better job, better house, better relationship. She is looking to settle down, but it bores her and she has to break away for the mere thrill of change, challenge. She has been with the same man for 4 years now, but they broke up more times than I can count.
Financially she is making way more money than when we met.
My other friend is also a jumper, but he is the second kind. His women are always the same, just have different names. He works the same crappy jobs and his homes are also the same. There is no movement upwards, just different circumstances.
Both of them have ADHD.
I don't know if your guy is a jumper and if he has ADHD , but if you look at his prior history, you should be able
To see what kind of future is waiting for you , UNLESS he meets a time of major transformation in his life.
You alone would not be the causative reason for that transformation .
I ve been with my bf for a year now and it has been rocky but about 6 months ago he got very very sick. I took him to the hospital on December 30th and he was forced to stay sober for a week, which completely threw him for a loop emotionally and from that experience he began his transformation. I was there as his support, but the work he did was all his doing.
He moved, he dropped over 50 lb, changed his job, changed his lifestyle and his mindset and it is a pleasure to see what is unfolding before me, even though sometimes it is extremely hard on me.
It is easy to look at all of it logically, when there are no emotions involved...
I guess you just have to get to know him better to figure out where it is all going to go.
Just take good care of yourself as well.
He does not have ADHD, I know this because he told me he was actually tested for it about five years ago. It turned out that he had social anxiety and he was on medication for a while and seeing a psychologist. He no longer takes the medication, and felt that the therapy worked very well for him. He's a lot better than he was a few years ago, apparently.
The interesting thing about him that I've noticed over the past month or so, is he's actually starting to think very hard about his decisions. He says he used to "jump" into things quite quickly and is usually very impulsive but he's trying, "For the first time in my life to not be impulsive and actually think things through". He always has these crazy plans about things he wants to do or buy or places he wants to go, but it seems lately like he's starting to realize that they may not be such good ideas in the long run.
He really does seem like he's trying to be different lately - I'm not expecting to CHANGE him at all - he seems to be making these changes himself. He often asks me my opinion on things and I give him some kind suggestions, but I never tell him what to do. Some things he takes my advice on and other things he doesn't. He's always interested in my opinion though.
I know that he's quite lost sometimes and still working out his life, but it's quite amazing to see how he's been lately. I don't know if it's my influence or if it's just because he's getting that little bit older, but I'm definitely going to be sticking around (at least for now) to see how things unfold.
Am I worried that he'll get bored with me over time? Absolutely. Maybe he'll never be comfortable & happy. Maybe he'll always be looking for something that little bit better. Or maybe he just hasn't yet found his place in life where he can be comfortable & happy. Only time will tell.
Also, his schedule is grueling and it leaves him drained of energy on the weekdays, and clearly he wants to do things on his own on the weekends. If you had a job with those hours, wouldn't you want to do things you like and also have time to spend with your friends and / or significant other? Now, imagine that you want to do all of the above, and you can't, and that leaves you frustrated.
Put yourself in his shoes - work wise - his schedule leaves anyone pretty much enough free time to eat and go back to sleep.
You are in your 20s, this is the time for you to find out what you like and what you don't and experience the world (travel, take on hobbies and passions like writing, etc.) and most importantly learn to love your self and feel happy to be in your own company.
I would say: this is not a relationship where you are happy. Let go. You probably know this but are afraid of what will happen: Would you feel lonely, would you find someone?, etc.
Find out why you are clinging to a relationship that does not make you happy. You are too young to have these kinds of problems, and honestly you seem to be spending too much time worrying about "why he can't do what I want" or "why he can't do what I expect him to do".
Wish the young man well and let him go, and learn to be happy with yourself and then you'll find a companion to explore the world... but don't do it, don't do anything out of neediness. Cheers!