Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I'm in a really complicated relationship. My ex husband and I have gotten back together. I can tell that he is really trying to make things better, but he has had this life of a single guy for the last 3 years and has made some commitments within that life that include not having a relationship. He is in a band where he and all the guys have made a pact that none of them are going to have any relationships for the next year until they get their album completed and finish their tour over the summer. He is also finishing up his junior year in the bio/computer engineering program at the university and if you are familiar with any type of engineering program you know that there is no time for social life for full time students. He is actually taking 18 credit hours this semester, 6 over the summer and then for fall/spring 16 each semester and then the following summer his will be doing an independent study with a group of brain surgeons and will either have to move an hour away or commute everyday. On top of all that his is self employed and does graphic design for musicians, small business, and internet websites.
Anyway, the way things have been going lately is that he spends a lot of time with me and procrastinates on his obligations. Sometimes he tries to get some homework or work work done while he is here and he does, but then he gets no sleep and I've been lacking sleep also. He will then just hold off on doing any of the things he has to do to spend time with me (we do have a son involved as well). But then when it comes time to actually do those things it seems that he forgets about me and I start to feel really neglected. It hurts when we are apart, like I may never see him again or that our relationship is over. I always wonder if he is thinking about me like I think about him. It seems to me like when he walks out the door and has to do the other things I no longer exist to him. Then I start to get depressed and start suspecting him of doing things like meeting other girls. There are some trust issues from our marriage in the past and that makes it even more difficult to be apart. He seems to be trying to make things easier for me. Like this morning I told him how I was feeling and then we got off the phone. About 10 minutes later he called me back to tell me he is sorry if he seems to not be interested anymore and that I am really important to him and he hopes I have a good day. But I think the main thing is that I might be expecting too much from him. I put my whole into this relationship. He is always on my mind and when I have free time I want to spend it with him. I need very little apart time and usually time at work is enough for me.
I guess what I'm wanting to know is this normal? Or is there something wrong with me. Am I being ridiculous with what I'm expecting or am I being walked all over?
Anyway, the way things have been going lately is that he spends a lot of time with me and procrastinates on his obligations. Sometimes he tries to get some homework or work work done while he is here and he does, but then he gets no sleep and I've been lacking sleep also. He will then just hold off on doing any of the things he has to do to spend time with me (we do have a son involved as well). But then when it comes time to actually do those things it seems that he forgets about me and I start to feel really neglected. It hurts when we are apart, like I may never see him again or that our relationship is over. I always wonder if he is thinking about me like I think about him. It seems to me like when he walks out the door and has to do the other things I no longer exist to him. Then I start to get depressed and start suspecting him of doing things like meeting other girls. There are some trust issues from our marriage in the past and that makes it even more difficult to be apart. He seems to be trying to make things easier for me. Like this morning I told him how I was feeling and then we got off the phone. About 10 minutes later he called me back to tell me he is sorry if he seems to not be interested anymore and that I am really important to him and he hopes I have a good day. But I think the main thing is that I might be expecting too much from him. I put my whole into this relationship. He is always on my mind and when I have free time I want to spend it with him. I need very little apart time and usually time at work is enough for me.
I guess what I'm wanting to know is this normal? Or is there something wrong with me. Am I being ridiculous with what I'm expecting or am I being walked all over?
Perhaps you both could have a talk and maybe your partner could ease up on a few things so he is not having to rush so much. To me if you both can find neutral ground so to speak where neither one of you are having to give up sleep or feel guilty that you are neglecting each other I think things will go a lot smoother. I am not saying he should give up any of his goals and nor should you but why is it necessary to reach them all at once. Be realistic and honest with each other and what you both want from each other.
Take some time out to enjoy things together as I feel if you both can support each other and help one another in reaching your goals both of your lives can be more fulfilling. If he can lighten his load up a bit and you can find ways to occupy some of your free time when he does have a busy day and can't be with you maybe some of the tension will ease up. Find the balance that will work for the both you.
I am not saying things will be perfect but if you both are willing to make a few changes in how you both are living your lives I think things will be a whole lot better for the both of you. At the very least talk to him and see what can be worked out. Wishing you the very best:)
I would be careful if I were you - if you expect his attention when he's trying to keep on top of everything else - you could make it all too difficult for him.. and who knows what will happen then..
Try and talk to him about a time target - you mention a year?? List all the targets he has to meet over the next 12 months - and try and schedule some time for you and your son - a vacation maybe? A few long weekends even?
This won't last forever.. things will calm down in time. (My husband used to go away for months at a time with the military and he needed to focus on that completely - and it helped him no end to know that I was just fine and getting on with things back home. )
As for your trust issues - which is why you are having problems with this situation - try and find someone who could help you with this.
take care x