Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I would like some input regarding my relationship with my husband. We have been married for 9 years now. He is truly my best friend, he knows all my secrets, I know he loves me completely and unconditionally. We have common values, beliefs and goals. We have great fun together and I love him completely. So what's the problem?
My DH also suffers with chronic depression and chronic pain. So when his depression rears it's ugly head (as it is now), our relationship completely changes. He withdraws, he becomes distant and emotionally unavailable. He is not physically available either, not only sexually/intimately but also as a helpmate in maintaining the home and doing things around the house. He spends sleeping or reading in bed all day, watching TV and reading all night. Yes, he is under a psych doctors care. He is medication compliant. I learned early in our marriage that there is nothing I can do to alleviate this depression or bring him out of it. It just takes time for him to come around. And when he comes around, our relationship is damn near perfect.
I know that his behaviour when he is depressed is not a reflection on his love for me. I know none of this is personal. I know that it is all symptomatic of the depression. However, during these times I feel alone. I feel like a single woman again, without anyone in my life. I am fully responsible for the running of the household, etc (not that I mind that - I am completely competent to take care of myself), I do however miss the emotional support. I put myself in the mind-set that I am single, so I don't have the expectation of having someone to support me emotionally. I liken it to being a military wife who dearly loves her husband, he just isn't around on a daily basis. I have found that if I don't separate myself (detach) myself, I get very resentful of my husband and his disease.
My question is whether or not this is a healthy way of coping with this? Any comments are greatly appreciated.
Thanks, SA
My DH also suffers with chronic depression and chronic pain. So when his depression rears it's ugly head (as it is now), our relationship completely changes. He withdraws, he becomes distant and emotionally unavailable. He is not physically available either, not only sexually/intimately but also as a helpmate in maintaining the home and doing things around the house. He spends sleeping or reading in bed all day, watching TV and reading all night. Yes, he is under a psych doctors care. He is medication compliant. I learned early in our marriage that there is nothing I can do to alleviate this depression or bring him out of it. It just takes time for him to come around. And when he comes around, our relationship is damn near perfect.
I know that his behaviour when he is depressed is not a reflection on his love for me. I know none of this is personal. I know that it is all symptomatic of the depression. However, during these times I feel alone. I feel like a single woman again, without anyone in my life. I am fully responsible for the running of the household, etc (not that I mind that - I am completely competent to take care of myself), I do however miss the emotional support. I put myself in the mind-set that I am single, so I don't have the expectation of having someone to support me emotionally. I liken it to being a military wife who dearly loves her husband, he just isn't around on a daily basis. I have found that if I don't separate myself (detach) myself, I get very resentful of my husband and his disease.
My question is whether or not this is a healthy way of coping with this? Any comments are greatly appreciated.
Thanks, SA
If he's legitimatly slacking off for a period of time but then goes back into routine eventually...there's not much you can do but wait it out.
If he doesn't ever seem to help out alot your going to have to tell him you need more help or just accept it for what it is. If housework and maintaining the home is too much for you for long periods of time think about hiring a maid to give you both time to spend together..but the housework is taken care of.
Hope things can be solved
You are secure in your relationship. You are supportive and understanding of his needs (which are periodic, not constant). You have developed effective coping and management skills that allow you to prevail through the difficult days so you can enjoy the easy, perfect days. He is under care and does what he should to manage his disease. When he isn't depressed, you two take full advantage of that time so that your relationship feels damn near perfect.
No, that is absolutely not 'normal'. That is EXTRAORDINARY! Kudos to you. It sounds very healthy.
You wrote less about his behavior between depressive episodes than during them. Is his behaviour when he is not depressed a reflection of his love for and appreciation of you? Does he recognize the support you give him when he needs it and try to be HusbandPlus when he doesn't need it? Does he try to balance his periods of unavailability with periods of added effort? Maybe that's why you think he's so great when he's feeling good.
I know someone who suffers from arthritis. His attitude, comfort levels, strength, and mobility drop off dramatically when his disease flares up. But when he is feeling good, he is a dynamo of activity and the most upbeat person you could hope to know. He understands the concept of "make hay while the sun shines."
I think you understand that similar responses to a disease that incapacitates with a chemical imbalance in the brain and one that incapacitates with inflamed joints is both healthy and compassionate.
Carpe Diem! -and make of each one what you can.
I've combatted, and continue to combat, the condition, with physical exercise. It really re-charges the emotional batteries, gets positive endorphins flowing, and puts me in a mind-set of power, that I CAN control my life, my mind, my emotions, and the condition.
Baby steps: A walk around the block with him every day? Just breathing fresh air, listening to birds chirp, feeling the warmth of the sun and sweating a bit could work wonders, miles beyond any antidepressant med.
I've noticed that it comes and goes. Some days it's really really bad and other days not quite so much. I'm wondering if maybe I can track it or something and will be trying to do so to help myself. I remember my dad, laying on the floor and sleeping alot at times. He couldn't do much either on those days.
If you can anticipate when those days are coming, you might be able to set up additional help, so that you can cope easier with the additional responsibilities. That is something that I was doing for myself so that on the "bad days", no one had to suffer too much. This way everyone else could keep moving forward as best as possible.
I think that you should also let him know what you are going through so that, you can re arrange finances etc, for yourself to get help during those tough times.
Wishing you all the best.
As a slightly different tack on this, are you sure there are no more medical options? Like maybe see a different doc and get a second opinion. There are lots of different medications available and finding the right one, or even the right mix of several, can require a lot of trial and error. I see you mention a "psych doctor" but there are different specialities there. A good Psychopharmacologist is what you need and if you already have one, maybe a different one will have a different take on treatment.