Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
To start I have bipolar and anxiety issues and I am in therapy and on some meds (that do not appear to be working right now but have to go through the process of finding the right ones).
My issues of lack of motivation, lack of wanting to be intimate, and just being down a lot, I know causes a lot of issues.
I tried explaining to wife my issues and what I am going through but she doesn't understand or wont try.
She is negative to me all the time and it does not help my depression and even makes it worse, I know some of it is circular because I am not being intimate she feels bad, and thus becomes negative.
It has gotten to the point of me seriously considering ending it but I have 2 kids (3 and 5) that I don't/cant live without seeing them every day. I know if we get a divorce the best I can hope for is joint custody and even that scares me because they change so much so fast I don't want to miss anything. If they were older it may be a different story.
I know she has issues of her own that she needs to deal with, especially when her sister, mom, and her daughter (my step daughter who is 22) say the same thing and say WTF is going on with her now.
I think she needs to go to her own therapy and we need to go to couples therapy because we do not communicate very well and I avoid confrontation. But me even mentioning therapy she freaks out and wont go. I even mentioned me just going (before I started) and she freaked. I think she doesn't want to go because she will find out that not all the issues we are having are my fault and she doesn't want to take responsibility for herself and her issues (consciously or subconsciously).
I just don't know what to do and want to see if anyone has had or is in a similar situation (on any of the issues I mentioned or all together) because I just don't know what to do.
My issues of lack of motivation, lack of wanting to be intimate, and just being down a lot, I know causes a lot of issues.
I tried explaining to wife my issues and what I am going through but she doesn't understand or wont try.
She is negative to me all the time and it does not help my depression and even makes it worse, I know some of it is circular because I am not being intimate she feels bad, and thus becomes negative.
It has gotten to the point of me seriously considering ending it but I have 2 kids (3 and 5) that I don't/cant live without seeing them every day. I know if we get a divorce the best I can hope for is joint custody and even that scares me because they change so much so fast I don't want to miss anything. If they were older it may be a different story.
I know she has issues of her own that she needs to deal with, especially when her sister, mom, and her daughter (my step daughter who is 22) say the same thing and say WTF is going on with her now.
I think she needs to go to her own therapy and we need to go to couples therapy because we do not communicate very well and I avoid confrontation. But me even mentioning therapy she freaks out and wont go. I even mentioned me just going (before I started) and she freaked. I think she doesn't want to go because she will find out that not all the issues we are having are my fault and she doesn't want to take responsibility for herself and her issues (consciously or subconsciously).
I just don't know what to do and want to see if anyone has had or is in a similar situation (on any of the issues I mentioned or all together) because I just don't know what to do.
You can't force her to get couples counseling or counseling for herself, she has to admit there are problems, want the help and be willing to put forth the effort. Since her sister, mom and daughter see things aren't right with her, maybe they can talk to her about getting help.
You can't change her, you can only change yourself and your reactions to her negativity. Continue on with your therapy, talk to your therapist about your personal issues and the problems in your relationship, a therapist can help you sort out your feelings, help you figure out what you need to do for you.
Plus she wants to put everything/blame/etc on me and I dont think she can/wants to accept responsibility for herself and until she does go to therapy I dont think she ever well.
I mentioned to her sister and daughter before about saying something but I need to have a real talk with both of them to have a sit down with her and have them tell her she needs to go as well.
Basically I can only do so much and without her trying it is just going to cause the relationship to end because we will both be unhappy, even though I am trying my best.
Also being bipolar and trying to find the right meds is so difficult. I remember trying to help my younger brother through that time in his life. Thankfully though he wasn't married at the time, so he didn't have to try to deal with an unsympathetic wife too. Luckily now they seem to have in on the right kind of meds and they seem to have the dosage right so that he can function pretty well.
Good luck with this. I know I haven't given any advice, but I hoped it might help just knowing someone understands what a tough time you are going through. If I was you, I wouldn't make any radical decisions about your marriage at this time. Just really focus on getting yourself into a better place, and feeling better about yourself and life, because that is all you really have control over, and hopefully your wife will decide to do something about herself.
Thank you for the support.
I understand what you say about focusing on me and getting myself in a better place, and feeling better, etc. The problem though (which my therapist agrees) is that all the negativity/issues being directed at me by my wife is degrading/harming any progress I make in self improvement and may even be bringing it down lower then what it was before I even started treatment.
I have never been married but in enough long term relationships to know how I have grown as a person in each and every one.
Best to you and let us know how the counseling goes!