Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I recently posted about mother in law and husband ex gossip.I met my husband by chance on instagram , it was a long distance relationship for a few months then he flew to meet me in Africa, we got along well then after a year and a half I moved to the us with my two boys and we got married. Right After the wedding he started changing, name calling, yelling ,overly jealous , and told me to stop being on any social networks. Idecided to check my instagram out of boredom and when he found out I did I was worried he’d yell and I lied that i only checked once, He started going through my phone for like a week because he was convinced I was talking to a man on there, which isn’t true. And for a month he ignored me.
now I keep remembering the name calling, the anger, him saying my father a cheater each time we argue, he’s changed the way I look and dress, he hates make up ,he freaks out if I mention I’ll go for a walk, I don’t really decide when it comes to finances , the list is long... but he says am controlling
hes been trying to make things right and we are having lots of happy times but I snap and yell over little things because I remember how hard he made my life the past months . Especially when I remember him threatening me to leave with my kids yet I had not even a cent and know no one.
How can I forgive, forget and let it go
The controlling behaviour is definitely a huge red flag. So he met a woman (you)..and now married.. tries to get her to stop using communication devices/social media..which is a huge part of how people connect these days, or entertain themselves... AND violates your privacy and showing massive trust issues/paranoia by checking your phone on demand..
Thats pretty abusive behaviour. It's coming from places inside him that are not about you. I dont know anything about you so im not implying you are great or not great. His behaviour is about him, how he views things, and his relationship to himself and the world.
Behaviour on that level of intensity needs help. Therapy, counselling, learning, practice.
You know him best, so pick the moment to bring it up. The next time he is sucking up to you, or trying to please him, bring it up then and indicate that you can not feel secure in a relationship where there are issues that brought up that level of control/abuse.. That it is ok to move forward but only on the condition that these issues are address.
Since he could not control them the first time..which he will admit to most likely (else he admits that he was doing it purposefully).. then its easy to remind him he doesnt have control of these issues, so he needs to go learn/work on some new skills/info that allows him to.
I will just breifly mention, it probably wouldnt hurt yourself to also go and get some support. These things are VERY rarely one sided. There tends to be warning signs, etc which likely got missed because they seem normal to you.. which is the problematic area for you. So just for your own safety and long term happiness, i would definitely suggest getting a bit of a support thing going for yourself. Might aswell both work on the bad together :)
Hope it improves for you soon.
This issue is not your fault. All the signs are there of someone that has had something happen to them in the past that causes this mistrust. It could go as far back as his parents relationship and not just his relationships prior to you.
It could have been abandonment, cheating, mental or physical abuse but he really needs to get down to why he is angry and mistrusting of you.
My parents were both physically and mentally abusive with each other than transferred to us. I, thank goodness didn't learn that with my children, but I learned to treat my relationships that way.
Have him get help. You both are going to teach your children behaviors with the way you treat each other. Also, sometimes for children its learning how to behave and sometimes they act out because they are learning what triggers you to get the attention they crave from you.