Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I believe my DH is a very controlling person. He generally doesn't trust others and often assumes people are up to no good. I am more outgoing and friendly and like talking to people.
I have put up with this for a long time because he actually does have a good side but over the last year, he has gone overboard.
He has started going through my cell phone to see who I call, who calls me and reads my text messages. He checks the caller-ID on the home phone, he checks the history on the computer daily to see what websites I look at and he has also gotten into my e-mail.
He joined a forum that I frequent and didn't tell me so he could read my posts. If I read a thread he doesn't like, he gets very angry and thinks there is some nefarious reason I looked at it. If I post a response to something he doesn't like, he rails at me about it. Often, my friends will send me a link to some story that they thought was interesting or funny and I read it. If it's a topic he finds offensive, he rails at me for daring to look at it. In his mind, there must be a secret reason for me reading an article about lesbians, abortion, relationship issues, Brad Pitt, etc....I'm just reading, darn it.
I am so angry I could spit. I like my privacy and don't feel the need to explain WHY I read an article about XYZ, what I talked to so and so about, etc....
I was never the secretive sort before and often talked to him about many things but he is pushing so hard into my privacy that I am now pushing back just as hard. I don't believe married people need to know everytime their spouse breathes.
He claims that we have had so many problems and that our marriage is crumbling and he just wants to know why. He knows that I am unhappy with our relationship as it stands. It doesn't occur to him to look at his own actions to see if part of the problems stem from there.
I now delete EVERYTHING! I have changed my passwords and screen names. I've burrowed underground just so I can breathe because I am tired of him prying. If he wasn't so darned controlling and judgemental, I wouldn't mind talking to him about things but I'm just so tired of him acting like I'm a terrible person because a friend sends me a dirty joke and I have the nerve to laugh at it. I'm not Miss Ultra-Conservative and don't want to be.
I just don't know what to do. There is a part of me that thinks that I need to just move on and spare myself further condemnation. The other part hates to throw out over a decade of marriage. He has many good points but his bad ones are creating a tremendous amount of dissention between us. When do you draw the line and say enough? How do you dig yourself out of the mistrust.
I have put up with this for a long time because he actually does have a good side but over the last year, he has gone overboard.
He has started going through my cell phone to see who I call, who calls me and reads my text messages. He checks the caller-ID on the home phone, he checks the history on the computer daily to see what websites I look at and he has also gotten into my e-mail.
He joined a forum that I frequent and didn't tell me so he could read my posts. If I read a thread he doesn't like, he gets very angry and thinks there is some nefarious reason I looked at it. If I post a response to something he doesn't like, he rails at me about it. Often, my friends will send me a link to some story that they thought was interesting or funny and I read it. If it's a topic he finds offensive, he rails at me for daring to look at it. In his mind, there must be a secret reason for me reading an article about lesbians, abortion, relationship issues, Brad Pitt, etc....I'm just reading, darn it.
I am so angry I could spit. I like my privacy and don't feel the need to explain WHY I read an article about XYZ, what I talked to so and so about, etc....
I was never the secretive sort before and often talked to him about many things but he is pushing so hard into my privacy that I am now pushing back just as hard. I don't believe married people need to know everytime their spouse breathes.
He claims that we have had so many problems and that our marriage is crumbling and he just wants to know why. He knows that I am unhappy with our relationship as it stands. It doesn't occur to him to look at his own actions to see if part of the problems stem from there.
I now delete EVERYTHING! I have changed my passwords and screen names. I've burrowed underground just so I can breathe because I am tired of him prying. If he wasn't so darned controlling and judgemental, I wouldn't mind talking to him about things but I'm just so tired of him acting like I'm a terrible person because a friend sends me a dirty joke and I have the nerve to laugh at it. I'm not Miss Ultra-Conservative and don't want to be.
I just don't know what to do. There is a part of me that thinks that I need to just move on and spare myself further condemnation. The other part hates to throw out over a decade of marriage. He has many good points but his bad ones are creating a tremendous amount of dissention between us. When do you draw the line and say enough? How do you dig yourself out of the mistrust.
Anyways I'm sure your husband has good/bad qualities. If you want to make it work I'd suggest counselling. He's gotta a problem and you don't want to ignore it. His behavior may be a sign of depression if not paranoia. From what I have seen it gets worse over time.
If he won't get help you have every right to move forward for your own mental well being. At times I wish my sister would make that choice. I don't know how she puts up with the negativity, harsh comments, verbal abuse! It irrates me just to listen to him.
Well I wish you the best and I'm here if you need a friend!
If so...then why are you asking us if you should move on? If you are truly divorced...YES...move on.
If not...
Yes...he does sound very controlling!!! I can go on and on but....
I like Kristina's response....she stated it in a nice balanced way.
Counseling, could help. There could be many reasons he acts that way, the list could go on & on. It is hard to end a long relationship, I know how you feel (I think). Will he go to counseling?
Always remember and never forget, we teach people how to treat us and we allow people to treat us the way they do. We are the masters of our universe. Take your control back.
he is needing to feed his ego, his self-esteem...yes he is very controlling by the sound of things, but I think counseling is in order for one thing...and as Kool said, a hobby, a sport, something to give time to himself, and a release for all his anger.
big hugs
If you haven't, if he just all the sudden started going overboard, then maybe, just maybe, he has a guilty conscience. I don't want to scare you or make your relationship even worse, but this is what it sounds like to me. It sounds like maybe he did something wrong and now he is scared you are going to do something wrong so he is making sure you dont.
Maybe I'm wrong and totally off track. Maybe he is just really controlling. If so, you need to tell him how he makes you feel. That he is pushing you further and further away and that if he keeps it up he is going to lose you.
Bottom line, no matter what the reasons behind his behavior, you need to sit down with him and have a talk with him. Ask him his reasons, tell him hes pushing you away and making you be more secretive. If he doesn't change after you talk to him and tell him these things, then I would leave him. It may be hard but you can't live like that.
You are RIGHT in your belief!!!
I read all the responses and only noted a few that even mentioned the obvious... Self Esteem issues!
This man feels as though he is not worthy of you. WHY? Only he knows. Actually, he may not even be able to tell himself, let alone you, why.
These issues are rooted deeply in a past for which you probably had nothing to do with.
Long story short ... only counseling and a desire on his part to be counseled will rectify this deep seeded problem.
Best of Luck to you, and most of all, be understanding but DO NOT blame yourself.