Hi and Welcome blazer.....It's wonderful that you want to repair the damage that's be caused over the years
You've written that you are 'mostly dry'... I would stop alcohol completely if I were you considering the damage that it's done in the past
You can take an anger management course to help you find healthy outlet for your anger in the future

If it were me I would tell your daughter that " I am very sorry for anything I have done in the past to hurt you" and don't qualify it in any way... No excuses... I would tell her that you really want to work on your relationship improving in the future and that you'll do all you can to facilitate that

Of course she has some of her mothers traits....She was brought up by her
If you find yourself feeling triggered bite your tongue and excuse yourself....

It sounds like this can still be repaired however she will probably only allow herself to continue being hurt for so long before she's done and that will hurt both of you

I wish you well.... You can do this ..... Big hug.....xo

Hi,

Well, my dad was an alcoholic and for me, I set a boundary in my early 20s that we could not have a relationship unless he was sober. I mean, it was just too much for me to be around him. He was a completely pathetic human being. Had he stopped drinking and had that recognition of how much damage he caused and that he was sorry for it, we could have worked on things. But he could never recognize that damage since he was seeing his world through an altered reality. And for him, he always saw me as a child, because his memory and view of me was when I still wanted to be around him. It's like he was stunted that way with his children, as if time stood still for him, even as we grew up, had careers, families, etc.

When I was a kid, my dad had a month or two of sobriety once in a while. At the time, it was great because he'd be home, my mom would be happy, there would be no violence and at the time what was most important to me, he spent time with me and my brothers. It was like I was living in a television show, with a two parents, a father who worked, and we'd eat dinner together. And then he'd start drinking again. I wished he'd never stopped when I was a kid, because then I'd never have know how good it could have been. That loss, of tasting normalcy, and him taking it away, crushed me. That stayed with me forever and framed my feelings for him and about myself going forward. I tell you this just so you understand whatever damage she has suffered, it may run deep and wide, and memories are long. I'm 51 years old and while I've resolved my feelings about my dad and have a decent life, there are things that still are incredibly painful.

I think until you stop drinking completely though, you will not find any peace, not within yourself, regardless of your relationship with your daughter. Try to be the best man you can be, consistently, for yourself. Once you do that, you might be able to earn her trust back, I think. Because you can't ever really trust someone who is non sober alcoholic unfortunately.

And please do not take any of this as judgement. I understand alcoholism. I understand how it works. And I really am very pleased that you want to make things right with her and that you're seeking counseling. That's huge.

I also grew up with an alcoholic father who had a terrible temper and it's effected me terribly as well
Children don't have any way out and they internalize everything
This as well isn't a guilt trip ...it's the truth..... Alcoholism is an illness ... I accept that totally and something has caused this anger in you
Anger comes from the inside out and it's a secondary emotion
It's caused from something else.... Fear or frustration however there is good help to be had.... I hope for all of you, you'll reach out for help.... Another hug and a blessing....xo

I grew up with a father who was an alcoholic too, who was violent and sexually abusing me! When my mom finally believed me we went to the police and I had to tell everything... I felt so ashamed at 16 years old to explain all this sh..t,! Excuse my language but that is exactly what it was... When it came to court, my father escaped and I felt abandoned! I think that is why I am being treated like this by my partner today! I was not ready to be in a relationship.. Instead I should have traveld and learn to forgive and be me...
Although forgiving my father is really hard...

This is great what you are doing! Not many people change and seek help the way you do!! If this was my father doing it I would forgive him and try to move on... Unfortunately he died so this will not happen again... I wish the best with your daughter and don't give up! May God bless you with this journey!