Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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vampirebabe993 09/01/2011

I have man in my life. His name is Wes. I've known him for three or four years and we've been on and off dating. He is so sweet. He knows about everything I've been through and has been there for me through it all. Even when i was in other relationships he was there for me and told me he was going to wait for me because he loved me. He is enrolled in the army and is going through basic training right now so I can't talk to him at all and it stinks! :( I got a notebook and write to him in it every night and when he comes here to see me after basic I'm going to give it to him! I'm so excited to see him when he gets out! I've got 9 more weeks until then though.. He makes me so happy though. Just thinking of him puts a huge smile on my face. He is so amazing! He calls me at night and stays on the phone with me until I fall asleep. He boosts my self esteem too. He tells me all the time how beautiful he thinks I am and stuff. I love how he puts me up on a pedestal. He talks about our future all of the time too. He says he can't wait until we're married and have children. I love the thought of that but part of me is worried. I don't know how tied down I want to get right now while I'm in college. I want to finish college before I have kids. Part of me even wants to casually date for a little bit just so I can be sure he's the one. I don't know.. I don't want to tell him about the dating around thing because I know it would break his heart. He has been waiting for me for a very long time and finally has me. I love having the stable commitment in my life and don't want to let it go but.. at the same time I want something more... If that makes any sense at all.. Any advise? Is there anything you think that I should or shouldn't do? .

Shai 09/14/2011

don't let a good thing go...can you imagine living your life without him?

be prepared for any consequences to your actions. casually dating may mean the real end to this relationship. weigh out pros and cons.

and talk to him about how you feel about college. that you want to wait til you've graduated, THEN marriage. voice your feelings and see what page he's on...

koolman 09/14/2011

First of all, God bless Wes, for serving in the military! He sounds like a man among men.

Well, he's going to be gone a long time overseas. I'd keep communication with him, let him know everything you're telling us here. I'm sure he'll be depressed, but he'll probably also understand that you'll be lonely when he's deployed. He'll HOPE you'll be around when he gets home, but, who knows, maybe you'll meet somebody, maybe he'll meet somebody on base...who knows?

deleted_user 09/14/2011

do you think you are having these second thoughts because he is in the army and can't be as close as you want? i was in a serious relationship with a guy who went away to college and kinda didn't have a lot of time for me. i eventually ended up feeling the same way,

2newadvntrs 09/18/2011

It is great that you have found possibly the perfect person for you. If you are not at this point ready for that it could become a disaster. I agree with you that you need to finish college first if that is your desire. You are young and need to be self supporting because no matter what, as much as many might think it takes two working people to succeed in obtaining the things such as a house these days. Too many people think they can jugle it all, get married go to college, keep a job, have kids, have a happy mariage and believe it or not it just is not possible.
I know you have all these feelings for this person but if your not on the same page it is not going to work. Nor is it fair for the other person... He thinks you are not seeing anyone while he has no choice or really a chance to..I would hope you are honest with him and tell him that you need to date a little more. and finish college. But no less tell him you have strong feelings for him and Do not want to miss out on something that may be right for you both. Tell him you want to be sure. Set a time frame of reaching goals together.. If you feel at that time you have not yet still be able to commit then it might just be time to move on. Or it might be time to give it a little more time. Always be open and honest with another. It's only fair, and if you can't you risk the potential of it being found out that you were dating and he was not. His mind is at commitment and your might be I need to wait a while..

deleted_user 09/21/2011

You like all that he does for you, how he makes you feel, puts you on a pedestal, has always been there for you, waited for you while you were with other guys, he boosts your self esteem ... still you are not sure- you "even want to casually date a bit". It is a very good plan to go to college and finish before getting married and starting a family- you are only 18! You have known him for 3 or 4 years that would make you only 14 or 15- not sure how old he is, but you were still growing up, you both have your whole lives ahead of you- you really are just at the beginning. Take it one step at a time, he is doing is training, you go to school- stay in contact with each other- be honest- see where your feelings go.

deleted_user 09/22/2011

Well, here's the thing, if you don't get this out of your system now, you're likely to either feel trapped in your marriage later or want to get it out then. I think it's better to get it out now. If things are meant to be between you two it will work out.

Then, you won't always have to wonder what if..If I was him, I'd rather you chose me over everyone, than settled for me with reservations.

Just my two cents.

deleted_user 09/22/2011

As a friend once told me when she found her guy in a similar predicament... "I don't want to be an option." Poignant!

Treat him as you would want to be treated and you will not go wrong. Be honest with yourself and with him. You may think you know how he will react to your feelings but the truth is, until you give him the chance to react you don't really know.

I also agree with upanddownguy. If you can't work through this now, you will set yourself up for some drama down the road.

deleted_user 09/30/2011

I don't think you should waste your time dating around while this man has waited for you and if you think it will break his heart. There aren't many good men out there. I say keep the one that makes you happy. Take it slow and finish college before you decide to get married and have children. Also if you decide to date then don't waste anymore of this man's time.

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