Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I have a friend
We've been friends for about three years
He always flirted with me before when we had first met, he texted me all the time, He made flirty little jokes but I wasn't interested in him like that because I liked someone else.. I still appreciated him as a friend though and talked to him when he was around but I was also more forgetful, I would leave without saying goodbye on skype, I wouldn't answer some of his texts.. (Sometimes on purpose) I think at some points I was actually going out of my way to avoid it because his flirting made me feel uncomfortable. Because he was in love and pinning after this girl who was his ex girlfriend and she was with someone else, (They ended up getting back together a year later.)
For some reason I was always strangely jealous of this girl, I was overprotective of him and put all that to me just caring about his well being and not wanting him to be hurt because she had hurt him before..
Time passed and we didn't really talk that much anymore, the skype group sessions were a thing of the past... me and my friend would text sometimes though.
After maybe a month of texting again after not talking for a while, There was a fight on facebook where I made a snarky comment about his fiancee (And more snarky comments on the photo of her engagement ring.) and then deleted him off facebook. About a week later I apologized and we talked again.
One night I was watching tv and this show came on, This girl was weirdly jealous and mean to her best friends girlfriend and then all at once it hit her that she liked her best friend, then it hit me too.
I was nervous and weird and coping with all this new stuff and I told everyone else I knew before I told him, Then when I finally did tell him he said that he had (Past tense?) feelings for me before as well, Like I assume at this point he meant he had a crush on me back in the day.
I was really jealous and bitter about his fiancee for a very long time and I caused a lot of drama because of that.
We would get into really bad fights about it from time to time, I would say I really like you! and he would say I like you too, but I'm not going to leave my fiancee for you. Which in reality, I would never want, I never tried to break up their relationship. (Also for anyone about to make a comment about what a dirty dog he is. Him and his fiancee are -very- open and understanding, She flirts with people, he flirts with people.. They've been interested in other people before (WHILE being together.) But they both love each other -very- much.)
There were times when I thought it was okay, and then it would smack me in the face again.. But then I talked to his fiancee, like really talked and she said she didn't have any problems with my flirting with him just as long as I had fun.. She knew about my feelings for him (Way before this point, I realized I was in love with him.. Which flattered my friend very much but he didn't know how to respond whatsoever.) but they didn't seem to bother her a bit. After talking to her like that and figuring out some stuff on my own, The jealousy went away.
I was okay with loving him and him loving her, I was okay with it for a long time up until I talked to someone and she made me think about how he doesn't love me.. So I got upset and it led to a fight.. A fight where he explained very clearly (Just not clearly enough for me) his feelings. We were friends, we flirted sometimes.. but at the end of the day we were just friends. I guess I never got out of that mindset.. - Him, Things changed since then.. a lot. - Me, Not for me, thats what I'm trying to say.. I'm still a friend that flirts and.. you were my friend for a long time before.. Telling me I'm using you for flirting is just insulting, You aren't just some girl I started flirting with.. you mean a lot more to me than that. The fight culminated in him not talking to me for a few days.. More stuff was said on the subject I liked you, I never loved you. I was under the impression that when someone says I have feelings for you or I liked you or I -had- feelings for you it means a lot more than just finding someone sexually attractive.
Last night we got into a fight about it again. I was sad because I didn't understand. Things he says and does make me forget all the times he's explained his feelings and I find myself confused... So I brought it up again and he explained very clearly. He likes me as a friend that he sometimes flirts with, flirting doesn't mean he's confessing his undying love for me.. Flirting just means he flirts with me, And he cares about me as a friend and respects me as a friend but he was never interested in and can never see himself wanting a relationship with me.
But I'm still confused.. if thats true why did he act in ways that made everything he said before make absolutely no sense.. Did he ever like me as more than a friend? He said last night he didn't... I think he's using the term like completely wrong..
Someone help me make sense of this?
We've been friends for about three years
He always flirted with me before when we had first met, he texted me all the time, He made flirty little jokes but I wasn't interested in him like that because I liked someone else.. I still appreciated him as a friend though and talked to him when he was around but I was also more forgetful, I would leave without saying goodbye on skype, I wouldn't answer some of his texts.. (Sometimes on purpose) I think at some points I was actually going out of my way to avoid it because his flirting made me feel uncomfortable. Because he was in love and pinning after this girl who was his ex girlfriend and she was with someone else, (They ended up getting back together a year later.)
For some reason I was always strangely jealous of this girl, I was overprotective of him and put all that to me just caring about his well being and not wanting him to be hurt because she had hurt him before..
Time passed and we didn't really talk that much anymore, the skype group sessions were a thing of the past... me and my friend would text sometimes though.
After maybe a month of texting again after not talking for a while, There was a fight on facebook where I made a snarky comment about his fiancee (And more snarky comments on the photo of her engagement ring.) and then deleted him off facebook. About a week later I apologized and we talked again.
One night I was watching tv and this show came on, This girl was weirdly jealous and mean to her best friends girlfriend and then all at once it hit her that she liked her best friend, then it hit me too.
I was nervous and weird and coping with all this new stuff and I told everyone else I knew before I told him, Then when I finally did tell him he said that he had (Past tense?) feelings for me before as well, Like I assume at this point he meant he had a crush on me back in the day.
I was really jealous and bitter about his fiancee for a very long time and I caused a lot of drama because of that.
We would get into really bad fights about it from time to time, I would say I really like you! and he would say I like you too, but I'm not going to leave my fiancee for you. Which in reality, I would never want, I never tried to break up their relationship. (Also for anyone about to make a comment about what a dirty dog he is. Him and his fiancee are -very- open and understanding, She flirts with people, he flirts with people.. They've been interested in other people before (WHILE being together.) But they both love each other -very- much.)
There were times when I thought it was okay, and then it would smack me in the face again.. But then I talked to his fiancee, like really talked and she said she didn't have any problems with my flirting with him just as long as I had fun.. She knew about my feelings for him (Way before this point, I realized I was in love with him.. Which flattered my friend very much but he didn't know how to respond whatsoever.) but they didn't seem to bother her a bit. After talking to her like that and figuring out some stuff on my own, The jealousy went away.
I was okay with loving him and him loving her, I was okay with it for a long time up until I talked to someone and she made me think about how he doesn't love me.. So I got upset and it led to a fight.. A fight where he explained very clearly (Just not clearly enough for me) his feelings. We were friends, we flirted sometimes.. but at the end of the day we were just friends. I guess I never got out of that mindset.. - Him, Things changed since then.. a lot. - Me, Not for me, thats what I'm trying to say.. I'm still a friend that flirts and.. you were my friend for a long time before.. Telling me I'm using you for flirting is just insulting, You aren't just some girl I started flirting with.. you mean a lot more to me than that. The fight culminated in him not talking to me for a few days.. More stuff was said on the subject I liked you, I never loved you. I was under the impression that when someone says I have feelings for you or I liked you or I -had- feelings for you it means a lot more than just finding someone sexually attractive.
Last night we got into a fight about it again. I was sad because I didn't understand. Things he says and does make me forget all the times he's explained his feelings and I find myself confused... So I brought it up again and he explained very clearly. He likes me as a friend that he sometimes flirts with, flirting doesn't mean he's confessing his undying love for me.. Flirting just means he flirts with me, And he cares about me as a friend and respects me as a friend but he was never interested in and can never see himself wanting a relationship with me.
But I'm still confused.. if thats true why did he act in ways that made everything he said before make absolutely no sense.. Did he ever like me as more than a friend? He said last night he didn't... I think he's using the term like completely wrong..
Someone help me make sense of this?
deleted_user
I think there might have been a time when he was wanting to be more than a friend to you, but you did not accept those invitations. Things like not saying goodbye on Skype and ignoring texts tends to send out a message your not interested. Hot and cold signals do not encourage men, it pushes them away. I think he moved on from that, found someone who would invest in him, and does not want to risk losing that person just because your deciding to finally take notice after all this time. I think he still likes and finds value in your friendship. But I think you simply blew him off too much when he was trying. And even if he still retains any feelings for you, he probably isn't willing to take another go at it since you weren't biting when he WAS available. And that's another consideration you need to look at. Maybe you only want him now because you can't have him. I don't think you have solid reasoning to say you truly care for him outside of friendship. And I think he sees that.
deleted_user
Agree with Livetowin, but I would also say...it is time to move on. It may be fine to stay friends with him, but don't spend another minute, day, or hour pining over him. He has clearly made his choice with his fiance, and it is truly no reflection on you. You deserve a guy that is going to be interested in you and only you. A guy that is really going to be there for you. You honestly deserve better than the occasional "high" you receive from his sometime flirtations.
Join the Conversation