Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi there, I'm really a lesbian but I thought to post her for an alternative perspective on a rather common relationship issue. If you're a homophobe kindly leave your nasty comments at the door, I'm just here for a peaceful solution. Just saying! :)
Just to give you guys a short intro about me and my gf before i start with my problem.
I'm andro/butch and i'm alternative in the very tattooed and into sub culture sense of things but at the same time I am very monogamous and filial, basically your a typical Chinese daughter. I'm also rather lucky to say I am blessed with good looks to fit my my andro personality (not trying to be arrogant), however I am sometimes maybe possibly most likely insecure as I have been cheated on in the part numerous times. I'm also a dreamer, artist and in some ways unrealistic about life. I have an ok paying 9 to 5 office paying job in the media line. I'm also more feminine in terms of personality and characteristics despite my appearance.
My girlfriend is a femme and big beautiful woman (by which I mean fat of course). She is extremely successful monetary wise and very career driven. She has a good heart and faith in her God. She doesn't really have much interest in anything else other then making money. While she is caring towards me, she can be rather emo and her mood can go south rather easily (aka bad temper). Sometimes she also doubts my sincerity because of the way I look and the scene I'm in. She's also more masculine in terms of personality and characteristics.
Ok now for the problem.
As you can tell from my description, we're both opposites. Like extreme, strange and weird opposites, the only thing we have in common is our need to be in lifelong committed relationship. However I feel like we are constantly rubbing each other the wrong way. And I know this post may be bias as it is coming from my perspective but I hope someone here can shed some light.
Problem 1: I worry sometimes that me and her will run out of things to say to each other, sometimes it just feels mundane, sometimes she just feels distant cos she is always thinking about her work (or possibly someone else). I think the cause of it, is really because we have very different interests, I live for video games, geek culture and all manners of alternative arts. She lives for career, status and power.
Problem 2:Then there are the times she accused me of being too flamboyant, so I toned down my image. I just like dressing up nicely in fashionable clothes that are androgynous but she's afraid I might be too femme for an andro/butch.
Problem 3: Sometimes she slights me for wanting to attend certain social events with my friends cos she deems them a waste of money and time which makes me a little sad because I really would like her to at least give my social scene a try, at least that would give us a common topic.
Problem 4: She accuses me of cheating so to quell her doubts I have handed her all my email and facebook account passwords. She has also free reign to check over my phone anytime. However when I question her on who she is constantly texting or who is messaging her so late in the night, she gets very testy. Double standards?
Problem 5: She gets upset whenever I forget to tell her my whereabouts or what my plan for the day. Its not that I don't want to tell her but I didn't think it was really necessary and I am totally ok with telling her if she asks. Hell I even screencap my location on my phones gps to show her.
Which led me to today, she left a rather cryptic message on her whatsapp status "When hearts are ripped apart, only shreds of fibres are left". I thought it was strange for her to leave such an emo message on her status so I confronted her, it sounded like someone else other then me broke her heart. Then I thought to myself the past couple of days we've had no quarrels and everything was normal. In my logical mind, if she didn't do anything wrong and if it was just a random thing, she could have just said something along the lines of 'dear i love you and i would never cheat on you so don't think these silly thoughts'. However instead what I got was an angry tirade from her saying that I am 'really too much' and 'irritating'.
So i asked her does she still love me and does she want to be with me, she says she doesn't know and she left me in the grey. i honestly feel that if she loves me that answer would be simple and straightforward.
She is now ignoring me on the grounds that I am being very irritating and disturbing her when she needs to concentrate on her career. I don't do well having my relationship put in a rather grey zone. She does not consider me her girlfriend or friend. And she knows me well enough that I do not like grey areas and I like everything clear cut.
Also I don't have proof to say she cheated and i understand she is going through a tough time at work, but her actions are very confusing for me. And I'd like to give it her a benefit of the doubt that it was all just me being insecure.
Perhaps she was in love with my idea of me and not me....should I wait for an answer guys? Or should I just leave?
Just to give you guys a short intro about me and my gf before i start with my problem.
I'm andro/butch and i'm alternative in the very tattooed and into sub culture sense of things but at the same time I am very monogamous and filial, basically your a typical Chinese daughter. I'm also rather lucky to say I am blessed with good looks to fit my my andro personality (not trying to be arrogant), however I am sometimes maybe possibly most likely insecure as I have been cheated on in the part numerous times. I'm also a dreamer, artist and in some ways unrealistic about life. I have an ok paying 9 to 5 office paying job in the media line. I'm also more feminine in terms of personality and characteristics despite my appearance.
My girlfriend is a femme and big beautiful woman (by which I mean fat of course). She is extremely successful monetary wise and very career driven. She has a good heart and faith in her God. She doesn't really have much interest in anything else other then making money. While she is caring towards me, she can be rather emo and her mood can go south rather easily (aka bad temper). Sometimes she also doubts my sincerity because of the way I look and the scene I'm in. She's also more masculine in terms of personality and characteristics.
Ok now for the problem.
As you can tell from my description, we're both opposites. Like extreme, strange and weird opposites, the only thing we have in common is our need to be in lifelong committed relationship. However I feel like we are constantly rubbing each other the wrong way. And I know this post may be bias as it is coming from my perspective but I hope someone here can shed some light.
Problem 1: I worry sometimes that me and her will run out of things to say to each other, sometimes it just feels mundane, sometimes she just feels distant cos she is always thinking about her work (or possibly someone else). I think the cause of it, is really because we have very different interests, I live for video games, geek culture and all manners of alternative arts. She lives for career, status and power.
Problem 2:Then there are the times she accused me of being too flamboyant, so I toned down my image. I just like dressing up nicely in fashionable clothes that are androgynous but she's afraid I might be too femme for an andro/butch.
Problem 3: Sometimes she slights me for wanting to attend certain social events with my friends cos she deems them a waste of money and time which makes me a little sad because I really would like her to at least give my social scene a try, at least that would give us a common topic.
Problem 4: She accuses me of cheating so to quell her doubts I have handed her all my email and facebook account passwords. She has also free reign to check over my phone anytime. However when I question her on who she is constantly texting or who is messaging her so late in the night, she gets very testy. Double standards?
Problem 5: She gets upset whenever I forget to tell her my whereabouts or what my plan for the day. Its not that I don't want to tell her but I didn't think it was really necessary and I am totally ok with telling her if she asks. Hell I even screencap my location on my phones gps to show her.
Which led me to today, she left a rather cryptic message on her whatsapp status "When hearts are ripped apart, only shreds of fibres are left". I thought it was strange for her to leave such an emo message on her status so I confronted her, it sounded like someone else other then me broke her heart. Then I thought to myself the past couple of days we've had no quarrels and everything was normal. In my logical mind, if she didn't do anything wrong and if it was just a random thing, she could have just said something along the lines of 'dear i love you and i would never cheat on you so don't think these silly thoughts'. However instead what I got was an angry tirade from her saying that I am 'really too much' and 'irritating'.
So i asked her does she still love me and does she want to be with me, she says she doesn't know and she left me in the grey. i honestly feel that if she loves me that answer would be simple and straightforward.
She is now ignoring me on the grounds that I am being very irritating and disturbing her when she needs to concentrate on her career. I don't do well having my relationship put in a rather grey zone. She does not consider me her girlfriend or friend. And she knows me well enough that I do not like grey areas and I like everything clear cut.
Also I don't have proof to say she cheated and i understand she is going through a tough time at work, but her actions are very confusing for me. And I'd like to give it her a benefit of the doubt that it was all just me being insecure.
Perhaps she was in love with my idea of me and not me....should I wait for an answer guys? Or should I just leave?
She may be very driven and very progressive in her business acumen with her career, but with what you have described her emotional maturity doesn't seem as progressive. You don't ignore your partner. You don't create a space where double standards exist.
If she doesn't know now? When is she going to know? Tomorrow? A week from now? A year?
When you get put in limbo you have two choices - wait it out or cut your losses. Its up to you, given that you are the one directly involved, to determine how worth it she/that relationship is to you and whether or not you want to be just someone's option vs. their choice.
This will not change. I've known my honey for 10 years, and she's exactly the same as the day we met. In the beginning, I was too blinded by her good looks (she's still very beautiful) to see it. Cut your losses and be as hot to trot as you want to be.
Lol. Firstly your relationship issues are so very typical, lesbian, straight, gay, whatever.... They're just people problems!
You seem very concerned about labeling everything. It really doesn't matter who is what in the relationship. Personally? I love flamboyant tattooed people. Find them to be just more genuine More real. You sound very "in your face ballsy broad" but very vulnerable. Lol - Welcome to my seat on the bus.
If you love her, give her the opportunity to come clean and straighten things out. Keep communicating, leave the door open until you're ready to close it.
Best of luck with a positive outcome!
@katie386, @stillbitterjaded. I'm still trying to keep an open mind. She hasn't responded to my messages and its only been a day but it feels like a week....*sigh* I'm giving her the option to breath and think about stuff but I feel like she is always going to choose her needs. She is well aware that I truly love her more.
@aurorashope, @koolman. At this point I am asking myself alot of questions and weighing in on the fact that the list of problems seems to be increasing rather than decreasing. Still I don't know why I love this woman so much.....I am not sure if I am in love with the idea of being with someone or I am in love with her.
what do you think you should do? Do u think the relationship has a future or do you feel you are being smothered?
One: whats Andro? Lol..new term for me.
My opinion..humbly is that your not right for each other and its not going to last long. If your rubbing each other the wrong way, you dont share the same interests, you have different goals for future achievements and its more a one sided relationship in terms of your giving in all the time while she makes no effort to even try and share your interests...and the distrust, disaster waiting to happen.
Relationships that start out that bad dont generally get better.
As far as running out of stuff to talk about...I think that happens eventually in every relationship..its inevitable.
My apt manager and I talked about that once cus I asked her how do her and her husband keep it going strong after 25 yrs. I said ive been with mine (and I love him beyond belief) only 5 yrs and I am already bored. She suggested finding something new to bring into the relationship, like a dog that we could nurture and grow together and it would add something new....if any of that made sense.
I wish u the best. Sorry to be so grim
Im even more of the opinion now that your relationship has run its course. It might hurt to go..im sure it will..but one day you will meet the woman who when u say "do you still love me?" Her immediate response will be "of course I do silly" followed by a small explination to ease your worried mind.
This woman clearly doesnt feel that for you.
Again...jusst my opinion
I can't help but agree with you, I have done all I can. I've toned down my flamboyant dressing, I have constantly made sure to let her know my whereabouts, I even change my schedule to fit hers most of the time I give in to her whims. But I have limits. As much as I love the person that she is I have to conclude that she is perhaps just in love with the way I look and she had an idea of me but she is not in love with the person that I am.
I did some reflection, I really feel while she has the best interest for our relationship probably at the beginning she has already stereotyped me as a some kinda wild tattooed freak who sleeps around and parties all the time. Well hey I love a good party and my tattoos but it doesn't mean I am irresponsible in a relationship.
A simple reassurance from her would have been suffice to give me a peace of mind.
Guess its time I should move along
There is always a trade of somewhere. My bf accepts me for who i am, never criticizes me and thinks i am perfect just the way i am, we hardly ever argue, but there are other things in the relationship that upset me.
If you forget what you wrote about her, how do you really feel inside? Wouls you miss her if she was gone?
If you are an emotional, creative person and have some mood swings, this is not easy to live with either, but if your gf cant handle it, it just makes things really difficult.
I hope you can work this out and things can get better :-)
Hi there thank you so much for your input. I am an emotional person but I am also rather carefree and easygoing. The only things that gets to me is my own insecurities, i need to be with an reassuring partner and not someone that gets furious at me. I have no problems with her getting her way of things but like you said, there is always a trade somewhere.
I wish she would be more reassuring, i think its over now. I know her well enough that she would rather choose herself over fixing the relationship and I am tired of constantly apologizing whether or not I was wrong.
The sad thing is, from the get go, I knew she wasn't just girlfriend material, she was wife material but probably not mine.