If you aren't able to help her I would simply say that..... You have no reason to feel guilty and if other family members want to help they can

If she's really in trouble with a bill that's important..... utilities or rent and the family want to help out then maybe the bill can be split between people

I would let her know that you don't have the extra money so that she'll have to budget her money..... Big hug

I know that guilt feels awful..... You don't have to allow yourself to be manipulated with it though..... xo

Sometimes this is about ourselves needing to learn to set boundaries. We have to be okay with doing what is best for ourselves and standing up for ourselves and saying "no". There is almost always backlash, people get mad when they can't guilt trip us or manipulate us any longer. They will push hard to get back in control of us. Can you think of this as being your own best friend? You do need to be good with your own money, for your own welfare and future. There are lots of books about how to set boundaries. I was kinda iffy on being strong about doing what was best for myself because I always needed others to validate me. So I said yes when I meant no. I was reading a book on codependence and realized that my need to be validated, to have others find me okay, which came out as people pleasing was really something that did a disservice to myself. I was not being good to me by saying yes when I meant no.

When you are single you have no one else to rely on financially so this idea your family has that you have money to burn simply because you don’t have kids or a partner is false.

You aren’t required to pay her bills. What you and your family could do is help your mom get a budget plan together, or help her move if that would help her financially, see if she qualifies for energy assistance, etc.

I agree on setting boundaries and just get in the right head space before engaging your mom so you don’t find yourself getting caught up in guilt trips or manipulation. You don’t have to justify to her or family why you can’t financially help her. You can just say, I can’t. period.

I agree with above posters. Her poor financial choices are not your fault. Funny how people think you should help out because you DON'T have a partner? Now that you're divorced, you are totally on your own with nobody to bail you out, as other posters pointed out. I also like the suggestions offered that you could offer her guidance in managing money, but only if you feel comfortable. Also - you are 50 now and can contribute extra to retirement plans like 401k , traditional IRA or Roth. I would make sure you do that this year - don't worry so much about others that you forget to make good choices for you and your future.

I really appreciate everyone's responses! My Mom has a habit of spending her money and I think this set us 4 kids on the wrong path where we ourselves do not have money to fall back on (maybe 2 of us are ok). My Mom has helped me out in the past and I thought this was the norm but in speaking with other people, that is not always the case. I think because I am the oldest, and female, that she treats me differently. She would never speak to my brother in that manner (he is the youngest). And I especially do not like when she throws things in my face. I noticed that she will say yes to requests, even though she really wants to say no. I wish she didn't help us all out so much in the past (I don't mean with money either); like giving us a place to stay or pupsit (I paid her). I can't blame her entirely as my Dad was not in the picture and we are estranged. I know now that I have to set boundaries. I listen to Dr. Laura on the podcast and as much as I would like to dislike her, she is right in terms of hard love.

I’m may be biased, because I had one missing parent and one mentally ill, but many of my and my sister’s failures were a direct reflection of my parents’ failure to parent properly.
I often blame myself for the few problems my children have, because generational shitty parenting doesn’t go away without a trace.
You should help your mother a little, but not completely take over her problems. It is not your fault that she chose to have 4 children and didn’t ensure her financial stability.
I had to work my ass off when I got divorced - 2 jobs, parent my kids, maintain my own mommy/daddy issues. I do not expect my children to be responsible for my bad choices.

Here's another thing: if she says because you are single, you have extra money to give her AND then if you get into a relationship, she will say you should give her more because you guys have two incomes. It is no win. There will always be an excuse or a reason why it is okay for people who use others to use others. Our role is to think logically and put our own best interest first. Sometimes parents have favorites in their children. Sometimes it is very overt and the non-favorites can dance, and beg, and overly give and do to earn the parental love but it never happens. Sometimes it is a sick situation: in narcissistic family dynamics it can be called the golden child (the overly favorite) and the scapegoat (the one nobody likes). I don't like to use the term "blame" as I think people do what they have learned works. Mom has learned she can manipulate you and get her way. Some of our parents taught us to be codependent because it served the dysfunctional family dynamics and this is how they were trained as kids. Mom has learned that she needs to be nicer to younger son because of whatever role he plays for her. She is not going to change but we can change so that we are happier human beings. We can have compassion for others without giving into their dysfunction.

yes, I agree. Thank you.

Unfortunately the more money you give to her, the more she will continue to demand. Next time you see her, I would try to take a moment to say that you don't have the money to help with her bills and just try to be open and honest with her without pointing the finger or blaming her. She'll likely get angry, defensive, and try to guilt trip you, and when she does you can tell her how the guilt tripping affects you. I'm sorry you are going through this!