Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

9,961 Members

13,641 Posts

0 Online

Vanillasky82 09/06/2016

Hi guys, I feel pretty shallow for even putting this out here. I have been with this wonderful woman for the past 1 year, we have had our ups and downs. From the beginning of the relationship to the present I was never attracted to my partner physically and I feel damn shallow for saying this. However I do love her very very much, she has many other qualities that I am attracted to.

As I am not physically attracted to her it has become somewhat obvious that I am reluctant to have sex with her. She and I have talked about this many times and I have told her I am more then happy to pleasure her for her sexual needs. Another thing to note is I have a low sex drive or rather no sex drive. I have wrestled and suppressed these thoughts of not finding her physically attractive since the start of this relationship and 2 weeks ago I finally couldn't contain the truth anymore and told her. Of course that didn't end well. See the thing is I really do love her for her personality and character. She is everything I seek for in a life partner, its just that she isn't physically attractive to me.Since then every conversation with her has somehow revolved around me being this nasty person I can understand her hurt and its not something I would wish upon anyone. I certainly prayed and hope that i didn't have to feel this way but I wish there was something I could do to fix it. I keep telling her the reasons why I love her and want to stay with her but i know the damage is done. She now feels very insecure about the way she looks. And she only wishes to see me on days that she feels she is attractive. Here is the caveat, she has always always tried to get me to compliment her about her looks and she has always claimed that her exes thought she was a hot girl. Truthfully she is average looking and slightly overweight. Also due to some complications in her life, she is often too busy to dress up. I am not asking for much, just comb her hair and lip gloss and eyeliner. Even then most days I don't really pay much attention to what she is wearing.

Right now she is too angry for any of my words to get to her and I cannot take back what I have already said. I am deeply regretful and I feel extremely shallow for thinking the way I do but I cannot help it. Help.

lucillegem 09/06/2016

uhmm... sorry but this is pretty messed up. I dont understand how you can truly love someone without being physically attractive to them. I mean, if its her personality and character your into, it sounds like you see her more as a friend but havent admitted it to yourself (too harsh? sorry :/ I just want to be honest here) And of course she is hurt, as a girl we need to feel sexy and confident. I am not trying to take anyone side here but its true that love (atleast true love) must go beyond... I mean love/sex is an awesome, great thing. Honestly, I think maybe you should step back and really think about what matters, her or this idealistic image of some other "hotass woman". Obviously it be nice to have someone hot and who has a great personality. But for me personality beats looks, I mean if your with someone who is pretty but is mean thats also bad. Dont take this in a bad way :) maybe watch shallow Hal (you know the movie?) and rethink things?... anyways good luck and I hope you find happiness in whatever you decide.

Vanillasky82 09/06/2016

Hey Lucillegem, thanks for replying! To be quite honest, how she wants to look or dress doesn't really matter to me. I am happy to continue with the relationship, I can't for the life of me explain why i am not physically attracted to her. Then again I have fallen in love with other women and basically its the same I am not really that interested to be satisfied sexually. I enjoy satisfying women sexually but that's about it. I'm a gold star lesbian btw.

I have tried for the past year tried to get past the whole praising her for her appearance by complimenting her for her other achievements which I am truly proud of. I separate how she looks and how her person is and it is her person that I love. I can't go back and say I changed my mind and say she looks hot. That would be lying but i wish there was a way for her to understand how i feel

Vanillasky82 09/06/2016

I would like to add, I am not proud of feeling this way but I am genuinely in love with her despite the lack of physical attraction. I know this seems like a foreign concept to many people. I do enjoy the norms of any relationship like holding hands, kissing and hugging but it just stops there.

rmb 09/06/2016

Probably best to find someone more like yourself. It's presumed when you are with someone for that long, that they find you attractive. I am trying to imagine the first year I was with my husband... I thought he was the most beautiful thing on the planet, and he thought that of me. But realistically, we are not. It's just that you feel that way when you really are into someone.

Re-evalute what you really want in a relationship and check yourself for some underlying issues, ie fear of intimacy, hormal issues, etc.

Unforunately, the damage is done; you can't tell someone you are with you don't find them attractive. Hearing that changes everything, and it's as if the relationship was a sham form the get go.

LivingWater 09/06/2016

Yes, once the horse has been stolen it doesn't do any good to lock the barn door. The damage is done. No woman wants to hear that you "love" her, but do not find her looks appealing. It would be more honest to remain friends (if that's even possible). Do not repeat this with someone else. Find someone who DOES appeal to you physically.

SunCloudJD 09/06/2016

You've written that you have little to no sex drive so perhaps part of this is about you and not her do you think??... Whether this is physical or psychological right now she more then likely believes this is about her as opposed to about you when you've stated you don't have a sex drive
You can't take back the words and you'll have to decide if this is something you want to get any help for in the future
I'm sorry that you're both going through such a rough time right now... Big hug....xo

koolman 09/06/2016

Just say "I love you...as a FRIEND." That's all you have to say, keeps it positive, and allows no false pretense to enter her mind. If you've been living together, this is where things get sticky. Whoever's name is on the lease or mortgage, the other should move out, otherwise, major awkwardness ensues. You like what you like, and you don't like what you don't like, physically, no shame in that. It's not shallow at all. Physical attraction is an INTEGRAL part of a relationship. Otherwise, you're just friends and/or roommates. My only regret, if I were you, would be that I let this drag on for 2+ years before being completely honest with her. She's right to be angry with you and hurt over that. You could've saved her 2+ years of wondering whether you liked her.

koolman 09/06/2016

1 year, excuse me. Still, too long...

koolman 09/06/2016

Also, really think seriously about what you DO like physically in a woman before entering into the next relationship with another woman. Peruse some porn, where variety is the spice of life, examine a lot of women in various shapes and sizes naked, do whatever it takes to ask yourself the "hard" question of what physical type of woman really "floats your boat" so to speak. Porn is actually a great testing ground for your erection in the face of various types of visual beauty. The trick with porn is not sliding down that slippery slope of promiscuity, but visibly seeing the type you like more than any other type. . Once you've prized one physical type of woman above all others in your mind, heart and soul, this'll save you and a future woman a lot of pain, grief and aggravation.

koolman 09/06/2016

Excuse me, I assumed you were a man, your reply said you're a woman and a lesbian, no problem, the same suggestions still apply.

Susieq 09/06/2016

If you were not physically attracted to her in the beginning you should of never let it go on for a year. I can see you loving her but sounds like more a friend. No sex for a year!! You probably seriously hurt this girl. Let her go. You need attraction, butterflies etc

cachetteen1 09/06/2016

well at least u are honest, I give u that, although sometimes being honest doesn't equate with being nice, Im sure I don't have to tell u that telling her your not attracted to her- is hurtful (at best), maybe the real question u should ask is a) why do u want to hurt her and b) why do u want to be in a sexual relationship with someone u clearly have a platonic love with? whats the gain in this for u?.. theres a puzzle piece in your story that is missing. Once u piss in the well, u can no longer drink the water, so I hope your not thirsty because this relationship has run dry, she knows the truth, and its not 'pretty'. Good luck to u.

rawblu07 09/06/2016

I don't even know her but I feel...bad for her.

Everyone above gave great advice. I honestly think you should let her go so she could be with someone who could love her completely, not just for her personality. She deserves much more and so do you.

Ingi 09/07/2016

I think that the longer this relationship goes on the more hurt there will be. I know that you dont want to hurt her but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. You both have different expectaions its not wrong just different.

mossk 09/07/2016

I see you got alot of feedback on this but I need to throw in eventhough I'm sure a few people touched on it, you need to look at yourself, not at her. you say you have a low sex drive then say you don't find her attractive, well hello, low sex drive means you don't find someone attractive! you need to apologize to your girl and if you love her then you need to leave her because she deserves a man who is going to love and adore every ounce of her being.

Join the Conversation

Posts You May Be Interested In

I have mono

Posted by: Sunshinegirl0228

Last Reply: Sunshinegirl0228 08/17/2026

5

Which explains the mysterious fevers and my extra fatigue. I'm so glad I pushed for answers.
Zyprexa

Posted by: Sunshinegirl0228

Last Reply: Sunshinegirl0228 08/17/2026

4

Due to my increased paranoia, anxiety, and a panic attack over the weekend, my psychiatrist has put me back in a full dose of Zyprexa until further notice. Every time I think I'm getting ahead something happens and it's back to square one. I knew he was gonna do this but I can't help feeling disappointed. It is what it is.

I have mono

Zyprexa