That, to me, doesnt' sound like a good foundation for a healthy relationship. It almost sounds like trying to replace the old with the new, even if that's not what it is in reality. And for me, I would be afraid that if either person does something that doesn't sit the mental image that's put on them, something that doesn't jive with the memory of the person that's gone, it would be somehow harder to take. I can't fully (or even really) verbalize what I mean here ... I can't get those words, ya know? I just dont think it's wise to place that kind of sentiment on someone, ya know? At least not in this kind of situation.

I agree with Kristyclueless. What sound REALLY good, though, about this interaction with the barmaid, is that you've been looking at it from so many different angles. You seem like such a thoughtful person. Someone else may not have even examine the ins and out of why they were attracted to her and simply move forward (at great risk to the self and to her -- not to mention her BF) or avoid avoid avoid (as many men do, sometimes). You've chosen to step back and take a look at the reasons behind your intrigue in this woman.. and I think that knowing yourself is always the first step to a healthy relationship.

Also, knowing what you want from a relationship is good to know, too. Right now, you've realized that this woman sort of "fills a gap." She's there for you (even though she's getting paid to be there.. sorry if that's harsh to say).. in times when you're feeling lonely and maybe looking for someone, anyone.. Is this what you want from a partner?

What do you want from a healthy relationship or from a partner? Do you think that she would be able to provide that for you.. Just surfacely.. it seems that she would not. A) she's got a BF, B) she reminds you of someone very dear to you that you've lost and "opens a wound." C) you only see her when you'r drinking, D) You only see her at her job..

I don't know.. just stream of consciousness here.. Lord knows I'm not the Yoda of relationships! :)

I aos just looked at your post again.. and realized that you're asking more now about whether to be friends after realizing why you're so connected to her.. not necessarily about your romantic desire.

"The god's intervention" comment sounds a bit dramatic.. and I'm as much of a romantic as the next person.. but sometimes I need someone to tell my I'm being a bit too dramtic, obsessive, thinking too much, etc.. about someone that I'm interested..

I say.. take a step back from her.. Explore and discover a new bar for a couple of weeks.. and continue going on True.com.. Then in a month or so, return to you barmaid's watering hole and see if the infatuation is still there... :)

That she reminds you of your brother is no big issue as long as you're not trying to replace one with the other. It's unfair to place that "burden" on anyone... to fill another's place.

I see no reason why you couldn't/shouldn't tell her that she reminds you of your deceased bro., but I wouldn't go farther than that really. Until she's free again, there's no reason to say more. It could make her uncomfortable around you, change your dynamic when interacting.

If you feel like it keeps re-opening the old wound, stop. Hurting yourself isn't going to help.

Thanks, ladies. This is really, really helpful. The only reason I thought about bringing up the "you remind me of my brother" scenario is her father died of lymphoma when she was 8, and I have a feeling I remind her of her father. Again, probably not a very healthy, more like a sick, twisted foundation to begin a relationship or even a friendship. Indeed, time to take a step back and explore some other options (besides bars in general, which are meat-grinders).

"I have a feeling I remind her of her father. Again, probably not a very healthy, more like a sick, twisted foundation to begin a relationship or even a friendship"

I'd have to agree if you hoped for a romantic relationship. But if it's a truly platonic friendship, where you're not in hopes of anything more, then there's no reason why you couldn't be just friends.

I'd love to be "just friends" with this girl...WHEN I FIND AN SO. I'd be blind if I didn't notice how beautiful she is LOL!

Did you mean Significant Other? (wasn't sure)

If so... why couldn't you just be friends now? Yes, she's attractive, but just cuz your single & she's not doesn't mean you can't be friends. Besides, outer beauty doesn't necessarily mean she'll have true inner beauty. (Just sayin)

Yeah, I meant significant other. Well, yeah, I guess we could be just friends, talking about typical, relatively mundane, boring "friend shit" and leave whatever stronger feelings I have at the back door. Yeah, I'll probably just drop in to say "whassup".

The problem with being "friends" with this chick is she tends to like to dump her problems on me. No sex and all the complaints...shows me only her ugliness...no thanks. I've got other people around me who dump on me. I think I'm getting the clear picture of her now, eh?

For that matter, I do that to her too. Guess that's what "friends" use each other for. I think I need to meet someone in a quieter environment...trying to scream out a conversation in a bar with loud music is a futile endeavor.

Exactly, Koolman. Your starting to get past the "infatuation" part and into seeing her for the flawed human she really is. This doesn't mean she's a bad person necessarily, just that she like the rest of us, with her quirks, foibles & fuckups.

That she's "dumping" all this other junk on you is a sign that she thinks of you as a friend... one who's willing to listen to all her problems and maybe give advice. If you want her to stop this, you might have to be kinda rude. Say you're sitting at the bar, having a drink & talking to her. She starts in with her latest saga of drunkeness & cruelty (old Kinks reference there! lol)

Anyway.. if you're not in the mood to listen, the minute she starts in on her troubles, just say "Wow, that sucks." and then brusquely turn away. Find someone else to talk to, play the pinball game, whatever. She *should* get the hint.

I'm curious... does she talk about her personal stuff with everyone there or just a couple ppl? (this could be a bad sign)

Thanks. Turning to other people to talk is exactly what I've been doing, and she tries, tries, tries to get my attention back to her. I really think I need to find a new watering hole, or avoid bars altogether.

As far as how many other people she bitches her problems to, I have no idea. She's generally very professional, but I'm sure the stress of running the bar (and God knows what personal problems she has) get to her, like any other flesh-and-blood human being, and she feels the need to vent to somebody.

Like I say, a bar, probably bad venue to start a relationship with anybody. One or two cuties in my biking group, which is a much healthier venue.

I agree... finding ppl who enjoy healthier pastimes will go a long way in finding someone more suitable. They'll be more likely to support your better habits than some others will. I'm not judging her cuz she works in a bar, but some ppl *do* get tied into that mentality. If that makes sense.

The reason I asked whether or not she talks to just a few ppl or everyone is because telling everyone your problems shows a lack of appropriate boundries. Like those folks that you've only just met and suddenly they're telling you their life's story?

That said... It's an imposition to tell everyone everything, opens you up for a group judgement, everyone starts talking about you and it makes a person appear weak & scattered. I known several ppl like this. It's as if every decision needs group approval, yanno?

Yep. Thanks. OK, moving on...