Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Sorry for the lengthy post...
I keep hitting the wall over and over again. I am so bloody frustrated with the constant disappointments and I often look at myself. What did I do wrong?? Sometimes I just feel I am simply incapable of handling both my needs and my partners. Or that I just tend to go for more difficult and complicated women, for that I have myself to blame.
But I truly did try. I have tried so hard to reach out to them to care for them. I have read enough psychological and self help books and articles to no avail. Sometimes I just wanna say fuck it and live my life in single hood. My friends say I am too nice but too unlucky. I don't think this has anything to do with luck. If anything I have myself to blame. I just love complicated difficult women and I don't know why they have such an appeal on me.
The logical explanation would be that I need to be someone broken to fix them so I can feel a sense of accomplishment. However when I analyzed myself based on that theory, I found it not entirely true. I have had past relationships with fulfilling confident and well adjusted women, they just ended on circumstances that was beyond both our capabilities to handle the relationship difficulties. Eg: One of my best and longest relationships was with a girl from another country but she had to fly home due to family commitments and at that time I was too poor to make the move to live with her.
I find myself tired from giving in too much and trying too hard. It has come to a point that I have to admit that perhaps most of my failed relationships always end up in a co dependent vicious cycle. Me being the giver and my partner the taker.
Which brings me to my latest problem, I am dating an exceptionally difficult woman....Of course things did not start out like that. She was at first very easy to be with and we clicked perfectly well. It was almost like a fairy tale. Then small issues begin to crop up, issues perhaps to me that seem insignificant. For example I might have misheard her saying that she wanted soup instead of soap , she would fly into a rage and berate me for not listening. Another issue is she expects me to mind read her, a fine example would be this, we just had a huge row because I couldn't figure out why a colleague of ours was trying to be sneaky around work. She felt I was being naive and stupid for not figuring things out and instead of telling me she expected me to JUST KNOW. :(
We had this talk before and she did admit that when we first got together she had an idealized version of me. And I feel constantly disappointed at myself for not living up to her idea of me. I know I shouldn't have to be anyone else but me but I want to change because I love her very much. However I know love is not enough to carry a relationship. Aside from that we come from very very different backgrounds. I had a fairly regular but lonely childhood, my parents loved me but they were constantly working to support the family, we don't really talk about my personal issues as they are typically asian parents who prefer to scold (as a form of concern) rather then empathize. She on the other hand had a tumultuous childhood, from her mother walking away, to her dad leaving her to her own devices, somehow she ended up in a gang and got addicted to drugs but she cleaned her self up and manage to somehow leave the gangster life.
This is my own assumptions but I feel she has idealized me too much to a point where I am expected to not disappoint at all. And when I do make mistakes she is often extremely critical towards me. I used to argue back but I now I prefer to just keep quiet and brush away the wounds she has inflicted. She does not acknowledge how much she has hurt me. I know she has her own problems to deal with and I am always willing to help. However whenever something goes wrong between me and her she immediately shuts herself away from me thinking I am too insensitive and stupid to help. Whenever I try to get her to open up and talk to me, she just brushes it off with a whatever or just drops the issue.
I am stuck because I am working with her and things at work are not looking up either, we do not see eye to eye on many issues. To be fair to her there are certain observations that she made about my boss that she is right about but I do not think her assumptions that everything is gloom and doom is true. I have begun looking elsewhere for work, its either she goes or I go. I have had enough.
I am just afraid I am letting go of a good hearted woman who simply couldn't open up and communicate effectively because of all the hurt that she has had to endure in a life that was truly unfair to her innocent lost youth. When I look beyond my fights with her, I still see her as that beautiful strong soul who could have just wallowed into a life a drugs and just played with my heart. She has made me feel secure and safe with her even though she is extremely critical.
But I am just so frustrated that I can't seem to reach out to her..... I have tried avenues like suggesting relationship counseling , to having our common friends talk sense to her but she is just so stubborn in her way of thinking. I feel that she feels that I am just a complete idiot. I feel it is unfair of her to EXPECT me to ANTICIPATE her every action and thought. How can I salvage the situation?
I keep hitting the wall over and over again. I am so bloody frustrated with the constant disappointments and I often look at myself. What did I do wrong?? Sometimes I just feel I am simply incapable of handling both my needs and my partners. Or that I just tend to go for more difficult and complicated women, for that I have myself to blame.
But I truly did try. I have tried so hard to reach out to them to care for them. I have read enough psychological and self help books and articles to no avail. Sometimes I just wanna say fuck it and live my life in single hood. My friends say I am too nice but too unlucky. I don't think this has anything to do with luck. If anything I have myself to blame. I just love complicated difficult women and I don't know why they have such an appeal on me.
The logical explanation would be that I need to be someone broken to fix them so I can feel a sense of accomplishment. However when I analyzed myself based on that theory, I found it not entirely true. I have had past relationships with fulfilling confident and well adjusted women, they just ended on circumstances that was beyond both our capabilities to handle the relationship difficulties. Eg: One of my best and longest relationships was with a girl from another country but she had to fly home due to family commitments and at that time I was too poor to make the move to live with her.
I find myself tired from giving in too much and trying too hard. It has come to a point that I have to admit that perhaps most of my failed relationships always end up in a co dependent vicious cycle. Me being the giver and my partner the taker.
Which brings me to my latest problem, I am dating an exceptionally difficult woman....Of course things did not start out like that. She was at first very easy to be with and we clicked perfectly well. It was almost like a fairy tale. Then small issues begin to crop up, issues perhaps to me that seem insignificant. For example I might have misheard her saying that she wanted soup instead of soap , she would fly into a rage and berate me for not listening. Another issue is she expects me to mind read her, a fine example would be this, we just had a huge row because I couldn't figure out why a colleague of ours was trying to be sneaky around work. She felt I was being naive and stupid for not figuring things out and instead of telling me she expected me to JUST KNOW. :(
We had this talk before and she did admit that when we first got together she had an idealized version of me. And I feel constantly disappointed at myself for not living up to her idea of me. I know I shouldn't have to be anyone else but me but I want to change because I love her very much. However I know love is not enough to carry a relationship. Aside from that we come from very very different backgrounds. I had a fairly regular but lonely childhood, my parents loved me but they were constantly working to support the family, we don't really talk about my personal issues as they are typically asian parents who prefer to scold (as a form of concern) rather then empathize. She on the other hand had a tumultuous childhood, from her mother walking away, to her dad leaving her to her own devices, somehow she ended up in a gang and got addicted to drugs but she cleaned her self up and manage to somehow leave the gangster life.
This is my own assumptions but I feel she has idealized me too much to a point where I am expected to not disappoint at all. And when I do make mistakes she is often extremely critical towards me. I used to argue back but I now I prefer to just keep quiet and brush away the wounds she has inflicted. She does not acknowledge how much she has hurt me. I know she has her own problems to deal with and I am always willing to help. However whenever something goes wrong between me and her she immediately shuts herself away from me thinking I am too insensitive and stupid to help. Whenever I try to get her to open up and talk to me, she just brushes it off with a whatever or just drops the issue.
I am stuck because I am working with her and things at work are not looking up either, we do not see eye to eye on many issues. To be fair to her there are certain observations that she made about my boss that she is right about but I do not think her assumptions that everything is gloom and doom is true. I have begun looking elsewhere for work, its either she goes or I go. I have had enough.
I am just afraid I am letting go of a good hearted woman who simply couldn't open up and communicate effectively because of all the hurt that she has had to endure in a life that was truly unfair to her innocent lost youth. When I look beyond my fights with her, I still see her as that beautiful strong soul who could have just wallowed into a life a drugs and just played with my heart. She has made me feel secure and safe with her even though she is extremely critical.
But I am just so frustrated that I can't seem to reach out to her..... I have tried avenues like suggesting relationship counseling , to having our common friends talk sense to her but she is just so stubborn in her way of thinking. I feel that she feels that I am just a complete idiot. I feel it is unfair of her to EXPECT me to ANTICIPATE her every action and thought. How can I salvage the situation?
From what you ve said about your relationships before, there is a pattern that keeps repeating with uncomplicated predictability.
This is what I learned from my mistakes:
- do not have sex/relationships with people you work
- do not decide you love someone after 2 weeks
- do not commit to a serious relationship until you ve dated for at least few months
- do not start playing house in the first year of dating
- learn to say " no" to yourself and others
I sympathize with you , but my suggestion would be to stop committing to relationships for a little while and regroup. Your partners seem to destroy your peace and it is exhausting. I hope things get better for you .
Many hugs....
I used to think of idealism as a positive trait. But having been an idealist until my 60's, I wish I'd developed realism sooner! New love thrives on idealism and dreams, but once the first glow is gone, it takes plenty of maturity and realism to keep a relationship viable.
Thanks for being the voice of reason. Its the same woman I have been with for the last 5 months. Clearly things do not seem to be working for either of us. My one regret in this relationship was choosing to work in the same office as her because of the allure of extra cash.
I do want to leave her even though I love her very much. But I don't think that's possible for as long as I have to work with her. I am looking elsewhere for work.
@mellowmethyst
She thinks I'm mad for even suggesting therapy although I think she seems to be the one that needs it the most. And yes you are right I need my feelings validated. I can't afford therapy at the moment as I have other financial obligations. The forum here is all I've got to hear voices of reasons other then my own close knit friends. Even then I feel like I am being a burden having to let them hear my woes.
To everyone else who have taken the time to read this rant. I thank you all, I am not saying I am an angel either in this relationship. She is going through some very serious family issues and I have been trying to be very understanding. However her criticism and snappy remarks have already reached my limits and I can no longer contain my unhappiness.
Truth be told I have long decided that perhaps I just do not have the luck to be in any sort romantic relationship. I accept my fate to remain single for the rest of my life should it keep my sanity. *small laugh*
It will work out. Maybe you are just not done going through growing pains.
Hmm I don't think I am completely a disaster at relationships but I do feel that I am constantly stretched too thin and having to play the role of the giver. Even when I put my foot down I will still end up always being the first to apologize or simply to giving in. This is not just about this relationship but for many of my other relationships in the past.
I do stand up for myself and make my stand on things I can and cannot accept. However it always hits me back in the face as I am accused of either complaining too much or that I am being difficult. Usually in which case I would just shut up and bear the brunt of the verbal and emotional abuse until I can no longer take it.
Digressing a little, I don't know if anyone here believes in psychics or fortune tellers. But I've been told by 3 separate psychics the same thing...that I won't find love till my late 30s or 40s and I should just concentrate on my career...maybe this is true. I usually take these things with a pinch of salt but hmmm....