Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Which, I think, gets in the way of love. Suppose, it goes back to a time, in 4th grade, when I started in a new school in a new state, trying to make friends, and was not only rejected but picked on relentlessly by a couple douchebags for a solid two years!!! So (sigh) I felt the need to rise ABOVE, to CONQUER, to be MORE than everyone else, be MORE intelligent, MORE physical, STRONGER (mentally, emotionally, physically), even make fun of others and what they're going through, because, I suppose, subconsciously, I want to make others know what being made fun of feels like.
To this day, when I feel threatened, or stupid (which happens frequently lol), which happens to the best of us, this urge to rise above, to conquer, rears its ugly head, and ruins what could really be a beautiful, loving relationship. It gets in the way. I recognized with extreme clarity today that it is a problem.
Suppose there's nothing wrong with having a healthy pride and self-esteem, because, God knows, others do try to grind us down into the mud with THEIR problems and self-esteem issues, but there comes a time to realize when there is NOT a threat, and to relax and allow one's self to be vulnerable, because no one is an island and we can't do it all (even get through the day sometimes) alone!
Not looking for sympathy here, working on it, just blurting it out there in case anyone else happens to be going through the same thing.
To this day, when I feel threatened, or stupid (which happens frequently lol), which happens to the best of us, this urge to rise above, to conquer, rears its ugly head, and ruins what could really be a beautiful, loving relationship. It gets in the way. I recognized with extreme clarity today that it is a problem.
Suppose there's nothing wrong with having a healthy pride and self-esteem, because, God knows, others do try to grind us down into the mud with THEIR problems and self-esteem issues, but there comes a time to realize when there is NOT a threat, and to relax and allow one's self to be vulnerable, because no one is an island and we can't do it all (even get through the day sometimes) alone!
Not looking for sympathy here, working on it, just blurting it out there in case anyone else happens to be going through the same thing.
You're gonna take me eventually, God, but, while I'm here, let's make it interesting!
Common ground without being dragged down in someone else's muck. Yep, it's about forging and maintaining boundaries.
Just got off the phone with a real negative hot-head who hates the wedding video business (that we're both in) and likes to call me up to bitch, thinking I'm his "buddy" (I'm not, nor have ever claimed to be). As soon as he started on his tirade, I said "whoop--gotta go!" and hung up.
Now I have a question for you... now that you see that it gets in the way of what you want... what are you going to do about it?
Being competitive is a way to counterbalance this. I am also the same way. I often ambush others so they can't get me first. In other words I seem like I'm Sheena Warrior on the outside, but inside I'm this scared little girl.
Annihilating the competition is a way to dominate others. I do this so I don't lose control. A fear is that others will dominate and control me.
Knowing this is a problem is the first step. Next time you feel your need to outdo someone (which is a way of putting them down), notice it. Think about what triggered it. Decide that you don't want to act that way. Even verbally acknowledge to the person what is going on. If its your girlfriend, maybe she can give you some insight that you wouldn't get otherwise. The key is to be open and talk about it.
Remember Fleetwood Mac's immortal words "Rulers make bad lovers".
It seems to me that you're afraid to trust someone as you fear that they will hurt you if you relax and let your guard down. I've dated men like who were like this, in fact I live with one now and it's verrrrrry tiring and frustrating to engage with this person.
He's always trying to prove how good he is to me, how strong, how smart etc. Doesn't even know how to humbly accept a compliment either. So at this point it's difficult for me to like him because he's shown me so many times that he suffers from low self esteem and this effects us growing closer. I tried to talk to him about it but to no avail. This is a problem only he can fix but he doesn't seem to be able to do so. Which is unfortunate because he has alot to offer someone IF he ever conquers his demons.
The funny thing is, he had a similiar experience in his childhood. May not help much but this is just my observation from the other side of it.
Yes, the sweet, scared kid is still here. But I suppose, trust the gut. If the gut feels warm and comfy, roll with it. If the gut feels tight and in a knot of tension, back away.
Thanks again!
I agree it's a common theme - certainly for me. I was the youngest of four kids in a very competitive family. My oldest brother followed my father's need to be Superman, or President of the Universe, and was very successful in his career, financially and recognition-wise. Unfortunately the stress that accompanied it contributed to his death in November 2006 at the age of 53 (high blood pressure, which led to an undetected aneurism in his aorta, which burst suddenly and without warning). That taught me a lot about striving at all costs to be better, richer, etc.
My 2nd oldest brother has always suffered from the "middle child" syndrome. But as the smartest of the family, he has used his brains and charm to somehow marry not one, but two, very wealthy women. He seems very happy with his uber-rich 2nd wife. She wears the pants, but he doesn't seem to mind. His competitiveness is being richer and more materialistic than the rest of us. But he's toned it down (a little, not a lot). I have reconciled with him after years of tension and fighting. Reconciliation is a good thing....
My sister (#3) is the only female, and, in a pretty male-dominated family, is also super competitive. She has had a very successful career in the shipping and logistics industries, and she also is the only one of the four of us who has never gotten divorced. Yay her! I love her dearly, except when she brags incessantly about her kids, which she does often. It really gets old. Her oldest daughter, at UCLA, is, of course, perfect. Her son has troubles with drugs and alcohol, living in the shadow of the daughter. (Brother #2's daughter is at Yale - ha ha, beat you... ha ha... yeah we're not too competitive or anything).
I have tried tried TRIED to get out of this competitive merry-go-round. But I have it. Oh yes. So rather than school or career (I'm satisfied with both - I have degrees and a good job, which pays well but nothing spectacular). My focus for the past... oh 15 years or so, but especially the past 10, has been rowing, which I have done competitively for the past 25 years. I went through a really intense period in my early 40s, where I had the good fortune to get pretty fast. I got 1st or 2nd in a dozen races when I was 41, and capped the season in the fall by coming in 4th out of 15 at a National Team time trial in Princeton NJ. That was all I needed, and I became almost intolerably competitive about rowing for several years after. Despite trying to make the team the following year, injuries, middle age, family, stress, and ignorance all conspired to do me in. I had a few more good years after, but I never had the fire that I had that one summer. I've gotten some of it back the past few years, but I now have a great deal more perspective when it comes to racing. I hate losing, but I accept that it's just a race and move on. It is not the be all and end all. The cool thing is, you put yourself on the line and give everything you have, and the result is what it is. It's a fantastic experience that transcends all facets of life.
I was skinny, weak and, as my brothers constantly reminded me, "pathetic" as a kid. But I never stopped trying. I still, at times, find myself overcompensating for insecurities. But I am much better at recognizing it now and nipping it. I am into peace and serenity and healthy living, above all. My competitiveness doesn't get in the way of relationships - but I still have plenty of other things that do!! ha ha.
But perhaps it does. Perhaps I have never been truly happy in a relationship because I'm seeking perfection. As much as I hate to admit it, maybe this is true. And for this reason, I'm glad I'm single and taking time before I get into another relationship.
And on that note, I'm grateful for this forum. It helps me to think about myself in past relationships and try to sort out what I'm looking for. In the meantime, despite some loneliness at times, it is good to be on my own. I'm really enjoying it.
Sorry for going on so long.
Peace to all!