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This sounds terrible but I may feel the need to break up with my BF of 4 yrs because I cannot have his 15 y/o daughter in my home anymore, unless he agrees to his visitations somewhere else. It is such a long story so I will try to condense it much.
We used to get along great, we had custody raising her for two years as her mother up and left her for her new husband and moved out of state. Her mom has BPD and ran a parental alienation campaign with her that was quite effective. Her mom has made many serious false allegations that all served to put her in the role as rescuing her daughter, yet at the same time, she left her with us for 2 yrs crying the victim and that we stole her! It was all just a big distraction so the child wouldn't focus on the actual abandonment, and instead secretly resented us. They invented a secret language to talk about us via phone using book characters and made up words, mom feared her into thinking we were plotting against them, mom had her collect "evidence" against us by reporting anything including the time dad made constructive criticism to her homework and it hurt her feelings. (All claims were thrown out in court and we were beginning to try to go after her lawyer for allowing the harassment through the courts). In our faces, and to her therapist face, the daughter came off as content and well adjusted to the situation. However, when we came across messages to mom one day, we saw remarks of her wanting to kill us both and lots of distress and anger that we never ever saw before.
Anyway, because the daughter felt so enmeshed and distraught over her mom's absence. ..(The child would have adjusted fine had mom not painted dad as a villain that is not safe). She started to tell people she wanted to kill herself by chopping her head off so that she could be admitted to a treatment facility. Her therapist said she was shocked and was truly surprised by it all as she appeared ok. She said it was an attempt to get her way to go to moms so if we wanted to avoid escalation, to send her, because if not, she will evolve her learned ways of manipulation. So now she lives at moms and was visiting us monthly via plane. Recently she is expressing she wants no visits. She is sweet and charming and because she is not being defiant her dad is not taking her request seriously. Well, I clearly remember what happened last time, she is now escalating again and causing drama but maintaining her charm throughout to dad while doing so. She again has hinted that she would not be stable if forced for a visit, sorta like a warning to us. Finally, while it used to be her mom using her as a tool to hurt dad by having her gather "evidence" I now feel with her being older, that she has now used that learned behavior to run her own agendas to hurt us, in addition to running moms agendas. The last straw for me was when I caught her snooping through my bag for my ID in my wallet and she had her phone as though she was capturing an image for some reason.
It is so bizarre because we do get along well. I just can't stand to feel like we need to bring our belongings in the bedroom at night, or lock our bedroom door when leaving to run to the store. It feels quite crazy. We have been through so much for her. I have been through enough in my life. The stress of this I cannot handle. I thought I could never tell a man "pick me or your daughter". I feel horrible to put him in that position and don't want to but I also have my son who is afraid, and I am afraid as well. She is his "golden child" and I was surprised but even he got chills by her last visit. He is so torn. I told him to just please do visitations by her for now but he feels like he is being a bad dad not being there for her even though he knows she doesn't want to see him. I think he needs to stop forcing visitations on a kid who clearly said she will self destruct if forced to. I think he needs to back off anyway until she wants him and he should join her in her therapy in the meantime.
Whew!! Sorry so long! This is weighing heavy on me for so long and not the kind of thing I can talk to about to anyone in my life, so thank you if you got through it!
We used to get along great, we had custody raising her for two years as her mother up and left her for her new husband and moved out of state. Her mom has BPD and ran a parental alienation campaign with her that was quite effective. Her mom has made many serious false allegations that all served to put her in the role as rescuing her daughter, yet at the same time, she left her with us for 2 yrs crying the victim and that we stole her! It was all just a big distraction so the child wouldn't focus on the actual abandonment, and instead secretly resented us. They invented a secret language to talk about us via phone using book characters and made up words, mom feared her into thinking we were plotting against them, mom had her collect "evidence" against us by reporting anything including the time dad made constructive criticism to her homework and it hurt her feelings. (All claims were thrown out in court and we were beginning to try to go after her lawyer for allowing the harassment through the courts). In our faces, and to her therapist face, the daughter came off as content and well adjusted to the situation. However, when we came across messages to mom one day, we saw remarks of her wanting to kill us both and lots of distress and anger that we never ever saw before.
Anyway, because the daughter felt so enmeshed and distraught over her mom's absence. ..(The child would have adjusted fine had mom not painted dad as a villain that is not safe). She started to tell people she wanted to kill herself by chopping her head off so that she could be admitted to a treatment facility. Her therapist said she was shocked and was truly surprised by it all as she appeared ok. She said it was an attempt to get her way to go to moms so if we wanted to avoid escalation, to send her, because if not, she will evolve her learned ways of manipulation. So now she lives at moms and was visiting us monthly via plane. Recently she is expressing she wants no visits. She is sweet and charming and because she is not being defiant her dad is not taking her request seriously. Well, I clearly remember what happened last time, she is now escalating again and causing drama but maintaining her charm throughout to dad while doing so. She again has hinted that she would not be stable if forced for a visit, sorta like a warning to us. Finally, while it used to be her mom using her as a tool to hurt dad by having her gather "evidence" I now feel with her being older, that she has now used that learned behavior to run her own agendas to hurt us, in addition to running moms agendas. The last straw for me was when I caught her snooping through my bag for my ID in my wallet and she had her phone as though she was capturing an image for some reason.
It is so bizarre because we do get along well. I just can't stand to feel like we need to bring our belongings in the bedroom at night, or lock our bedroom door when leaving to run to the store. It feels quite crazy. We have been through so much for her. I have been through enough in my life. The stress of this I cannot handle. I thought I could never tell a man "pick me or your daughter". I feel horrible to put him in that position and don't want to but I also have my son who is afraid, and I am afraid as well. She is his "golden child" and I was surprised but even he got chills by her last visit. He is so torn. I told him to just please do visitations by her for now but he feels like he is being a bad dad not being there for her even though he knows she doesn't want to see him. I think he needs to stop forcing visitations on a kid who clearly said she will self destruct if forced to. I think he needs to back off anyway until she wants him and he should join her in her therapy in the meantime.
Whew!! Sorry so long! This is weighing heavy on me for so long and not the kind of thing I can talk to about to anyone in my life, so thank you if you got through it!
You've been pushed....Taking a break seems like a reasonable request. The kid is 15 years old, I cant imagine what is going on in her head. I think in order for you to be strong and continue to be there for your bf, you need to recharge first.
Can your boyfriend get his own place and live there with his daughter?
Then you and your son would have peace and your boyfriend could devote time and attention to his daughter which she clearly needs!
You and your boyfriend could date and see each other around his visits with her!
I like Shasta Sues idea of you living apart for now.
You have tried to help this girl, and now she is destroying your life. Protect yourself and your son. You owe it to your son to provide him with a safe living environment and obviously it isn't with this step-sister of sorts. Keep repeating to yourself that you must do the best thing for your son....you MUST do the best thing for your son. You word it as making your boyfriend choose you over his child, but what about you choosing your son over your boyfriend? That is, the boyfriend and his daughter are a package deal, but your priority should be toward your son. Save him before he's affected by the personality disordered people and needs therapy of his own.
Save your son right now. Live separately and see what happens after that.
It's terrible that you have to live like that. That is not a good life for anyone. I agree that you and your boyfriend should live apart so you can have peace for you and your son and he with his daughter. I used to have to live like that with my siblings. In fact, when I was in elementary school back in the early 1980s, I remember that my siblings used to do similar things to me. Things like snooping into my personal stuff and stealing them so they can impress their girlfriends by giving to their younger sibllings. I'm glad that everyone lives in different states and I don't have to worry about such things.