Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I just am not built for this life. I was brought up as a moma's boy, it was just my mother and I. And I can't handle any emotional stress or anxiety.
I knew this was coming, this is why it took me 2 months to split with my ex. And I couldn't believe myself.. I went a week not thinking about it at all or a tear.
I did this all to myself, and it's snowballing fast. I went to the casino, lost all my money. Got my new check... went to drink with my old ass hole friends. I get a little tipsy, still well aware of what I'm doing.
And this ass hole x friend... gives me free coke. Because he knows how bad I was into any drug. I could not stop myself for the life of me. I spent my new check (thursday) all yesterday.
I haven't relapsed in about half a year. I don't call drinking a relapse( I think this is up to your own moral beliefs)
I have not slept, I can not stop having these extremely bad panic attacks.
So I told myself, I'd do one line. I'd be fine for my tuesday apointment. Nope, I spent 200$, going back 3 times.... waiting an hour once.
IT SGLKSVNKLGSNKL SICKENS ME. I can't control myself. ITs not her fault, its not EVEN an excuse.
EVEN the fact that I have Drug court ( if I test positive I go to jail) and suboxune program.
I take 3 subs a day, and tuesday... I will most likely be kicked out. I've been on these over a year.
I blame this all on myself. We were already broken up. WHY THE HECK did I have to check her computer. Of course, i've seen poetry, poems, songs.... none about me.
2 different guys, in love with them, obsessed. Dated the middle of my relationship.
I AM terrible with rejection and being used.
I have cried to god multiple times to give me his will and strength... and I just prey I can get through this.
I have not been religious. Im finally believe there is a higher power. And I even allow myself to prey. I use to not prey because I felt like I was too much a jerk to ask only when I neeed things.
But I need someone now. I know Im whining, and it hards to understand but Im hurting.
My dad doesn't understand, and I have let him down 23 years.
My mom understands, but I have been embarrassing her and letting herself down my whole life. The worst thing I could ever hear was " Did I do a bad job raising you shaun"
My suboxune counclier is going to kick me out, were at a no strike polocy.
And drug court I graduate 4/27. And I began 1/19/10. I am 20 days from being done... and if they call my doctor, I go to jail.
I don't know how I let myself get to this point. Im scared to ask for forgiveness at the court. They might give me a break on 1 week jail. But 100% I'd start my year over.
But if I don't say it and they call.. I get jail and start everything over.
I did it to myself... But honestly... I don't think I have what it takes to be successful.
Such a hypocrit too... trust me, when I reread this I will be disgusted with myself. But this helps me... Im sorry if I offend anyone. I understand THINGS could always be worse, way worse..
Thats what scares me even more, people are dealing with such harder things, why can't I do this?
I knew this was coming, this is why it took me 2 months to split with my ex. And I couldn't believe myself.. I went a week not thinking about it at all or a tear.
I did this all to myself, and it's snowballing fast. I went to the casino, lost all my money. Got my new check... went to drink with my old ass hole friends. I get a little tipsy, still well aware of what I'm doing.
And this ass hole x friend... gives me free coke. Because he knows how bad I was into any drug. I could not stop myself for the life of me. I spent my new check (thursday) all yesterday.
I haven't relapsed in about half a year. I don't call drinking a relapse( I think this is up to your own moral beliefs)
I have not slept, I can not stop having these extremely bad panic attacks.
So I told myself, I'd do one line. I'd be fine for my tuesday apointment. Nope, I spent 200$, going back 3 times.... waiting an hour once.
IT SGLKSVNKLGSNKL SICKENS ME. I can't control myself. ITs not her fault, its not EVEN an excuse.
EVEN the fact that I have Drug court ( if I test positive I go to jail) and suboxune program.
I take 3 subs a day, and tuesday... I will most likely be kicked out. I've been on these over a year.
I blame this all on myself. We were already broken up. WHY THE HECK did I have to check her computer. Of course, i've seen poetry, poems, songs.... none about me.
2 different guys, in love with them, obsessed. Dated the middle of my relationship.
I AM terrible with rejection and being used.
I have cried to god multiple times to give me his will and strength... and I just prey I can get through this.
I have not been religious. Im finally believe there is a higher power. And I even allow myself to prey. I use to not prey because I felt like I was too much a jerk to ask only when I neeed things.
But I need someone now. I know Im whining, and it hards to understand but Im hurting.
My dad doesn't understand, and I have let him down 23 years.
My mom understands, but I have been embarrassing her and letting herself down my whole life. The worst thing I could ever hear was " Did I do a bad job raising you shaun"
My suboxune counclier is going to kick me out, were at a no strike polocy.
And drug court I graduate 4/27. And I began 1/19/10. I am 20 days from being done... and if they call my doctor, I go to jail.
I don't know how I let myself get to this point. Im scared to ask for forgiveness at the court. They might give me a break on 1 week jail. But 100% I'd start my year over.
But if I don't say it and they call.. I get jail and start everything over.
I did it to myself... But honestly... I don't think I have what it takes to be successful.
Such a hypocrit too... trust me, when I reread this I will be disgusted with myself. But this helps me... Im sorry if I offend anyone. I understand THINGS could always be worse, way worse..
Thats what scares me even more, people are dealing with such harder things, why can't I do this?
Only thing I can suggest is: There are more positive (and healthy) ways to exorcise emotions, like exercise! When my world and my emotional state are shit, nothing levels me out, gets positive endorphins flowing, and makes me feel good like a good sweat at the gym.
Dump those asshole "buddies" and spend your dough and make friends with a fitness trainer at your local gym! Then, cry, get angry, purge whatever you're feeling, into the resistance of pushing weight. You'll see. It really is a cathartic release, spiritually as well as physically (purging toxins from the body).
So you're on a no strike deal? If I read your post correctly and you're still trying to decide what to do, I'd say be honest. Don't risk spending a year in jail and starting from scratch. I don't know I'm going to wait until you respond to this before I say anything else because I don't think I have the whole story. But what they say is true, honesty IS the best policy, especially if we're talking about healing. There aren't really any shortcuts. Please be kind to yourself. This is a journey,we all slip and fall, and I know you can do this!
Whats kept me clean is myself, and my ex. I was with her every day.
My problem is myself, I could not sit home another day.... and I chose the worst idiotic pricks... who use and are losers... and I don't want to be associated with them..
I can't change what happened. I'm finally calm... Yes the stuff kept me hyper, but it still took hours for me to calm down.
I still feel angry, and upset.... but I guess I just have to think of what I can do for myself from here.
I haven't had anxiety like this in a very very long time. Not knowing my purpse in life, if it's worth going to work today.... I dont even have a fking place , or car.
THE anger inside me feels she fu cked me oveer. and when she admitted today... Yeah I liked "sam" but he moved away... why would I tell you" The got on my nerves... and when she said yeah... i had u move in for rent... that fuc king pissed me off.
I dont want to self destruct like I did yesterday... I kind of want to prove her wrong... but I know... easier said than done. I have multiple struggles.
but I do not abuse mentally or physically... I cook many meals.. play sports, go out... ect...
I think were both young... and I was fine with that. But now that the money was a main reason. And while were dating she's making these love poems about her first "love" who she never dated...
And shugar I am in drug court. It's 1 year you have to be clean. Each failed test, you go to jail for 1 week. (7 days) then start your year over.
I do not go back to drug court until 4/27. It's my last drug test and I graduate!!! By then I will be clean.
However... I go to a different doctor. For a med call suboxune. I go this tuesday. Now if I fail (which 100% I will) They kick me out. Then I cant take my medicine ( which makes me feel sick if I dont take it)
How messed up is that... they stop people from taking lortabs and other pills... by giving people a different pill.
Anyways... when I fail there. Court can ask to see my doctors test.
The thing is, They rarely do that. They have checked once out of 14 months. Because they usually just test you right at court.
I almost feel my odds are in favor to not speak a word... since they only checked once in 14 months.
But.. if they do check, it looks like I don't care... and I am trying to screw the system.
WHen deep down... I DONT want to use... I just want to be somebody... whos successful.
meh.... I hope this gets easier...
we ALL do dumb things. Forgive yourself, get on the program with substance abuse and move on.
Are you taking anything for anxiety and depression?
If you can't deal with it without medication, just take it. it's OK!
you are a good person, keep trying.
I think you know very well that desire to self-destruct is very tempting, but when you actually do it, you see this is not where you want to be.
I'm sorry you are having such a tough time, hang in there!
You have grown and matured. It's a process....everyone has setbacks and everyone could probably tell you where they could of or should of done things differently.
Vent here, don't take it to your parents. Keep on keepin on. Don't throw everything you have worked so hard to achieve away. You can do this!
Life is complicated and feeling used hurts. Experimentation with drugs and alcohol is not uncommon in our 20's - thank God you are realizing what type of friends you don't want to hang out with - that's a good thing.
You've taken enormous responsibility not blaming anyone but you and your own choice - that's also great.
Keep working on your confidence and part of that is knowing that today and tomorrow, you have a clean slate to make whatever you want.