Healthy Relationships Support Group
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My husband doesn't like to kiss. He only likes sex occasionally. It's like living with a roommate. He goes to work, comes home, we hang out ad then fall asleep. Every. Single. Day.
He knows how I feel about kissing. I want passion and romance. I want foreplay before sex. He doesn't respond when I initiate sex, at least, not on a sexual way. He usually tells me to stop or makes a joke out of it so I won't get mad. When he initiates it, it's awkward and neither of us really know what to do anymore because our encounters are so few and far between. I get dressed up, that doesn't help. I wear sexy lingerie and he basically tells me to cover up. I try to kiss him and he acts like a 5 year old getting a kiss from his creepy 90 year old grandma. He'll hug me, but that's about it. I get a peck on his way out the door. When we lay together, he puts me where he wants me and tells me not to move. "Can't you just lay still? We're laying together, why isn't that enough for you?" apparently I am supposed to take whatever he feels like giving me.
I don't know if any of you know about love languages, but I like physical touch and words of affirmation. I can count on one hand the number of compliments he has given me in the last 5 years.
He won't go to counseling. He makes me feel guilty for not seeing the things he does do for me and acts like I am ungrateful. At this point, I have stopped trying. I don't even say anything anymore. I give up. My problem is that lately I have been thinking of going elsewhere. I am wondering if those needs could be met with someone else. No one in mind, just wondering if there is someone out there who would want to kiss me...
He knows how I feel about kissing. I want passion and romance. I want foreplay before sex. He doesn't respond when I initiate sex, at least, not on a sexual way. He usually tells me to stop or makes a joke out of it so I won't get mad. When he initiates it, it's awkward and neither of us really know what to do anymore because our encounters are so few and far between. I get dressed up, that doesn't help. I wear sexy lingerie and he basically tells me to cover up. I try to kiss him and he acts like a 5 year old getting a kiss from his creepy 90 year old grandma. He'll hug me, but that's about it. I get a peck on his way out the door. When we lay together, he puts me where he wants me and tells me not to move. "Can't you just lay still? We're laying together, why isn't that enough for you?" apparently I am supposed to take whatever he feels like giving me.
I don't know if any of you know about love languages, but I like physical touch and words of affirmation. I can count on one hand the number of compliments he has given me in the last 5 years.
He won't go to counseling. He makes me feel guilty for not seeing the things he does do for me and acts like I am ungrateful. At this point, I have stopped trying. I don't even say anything anymore. I give up. My problem is that lately I have been thinking of going elsewhere. I am wondering if those needs could be met with someone else. No one in mind, just wondering if there is someone out there who would want to kiss me...
And I dunno, I hate judging... but then going somewhere else isn't like ordering from a different Take Out place.
He hasn't listened so far. He does not get your point of view. You have asked to go to marriage counseling, he has refused.
So what is left ?
How about doing something that will allow you to keep your self respect?
How about being one hundred percent honest with him in a way where there is no gray area?
"Husband, you are not meeting my emotional and sexual needs. I have tried every way possible to show you that I need more from you. I have asked you to seek outside help with me, but you have refused. At this point, I want you to give me your permission so I can get my needs met outside of this relationship. If you refuse, we need to divorce."
Then you are in an open relationship and can go outside the marriage with a clear conscience, or you are divorced and can do the same.
Unless you can convince your husband to seek help and possibly change (highly unlikely), this is the only ethical and honest way that I can see for you to get your needs met.
His love language is quality time. We hang out together every night before bed. He likes to watch movies or organize papers or whatever. So we do that. I honestly try to listen to the things he asks for and do them. Personally, I hate organizing, but it's what we do together.
I really don't like the idea of a divorce. And I don't want to cheat on my husband. Sometimes I just get to wondering if there is still a chance for me to find hat I am looking for. But then I feel selfish or even thinking it. Should romance really matter that much? Should kissing really matter? We don't really fight, I guess I should just be happy with that?
I just have a hard time being "content" when I think there is an opportunity to be "happy."
You say you hang out every night together, so all that time translates to a lot of kisses in your language. And you hate the organizing but I don't hear that you hate the movies. Movies are great for snuggling so unless he's gay, I would try to "talk" in your love language as a part of your time together watching movies.
This might be about finding compromises and solutions and blending.
It's tough, and I get where your coming from. If anything else, I hope it gives you comfort just knowing that your not alone...
Wish I had something constructive to say about this situation, but it reminds me of my Vietnamese ex-honey. Her way of showing love is to buy me candy and gifts, which was greatly appreciated, and I always thanked her profusely, but the glass was feeling half-empty in that I was doling out all the physical affection trying to stimulate her somehow, and she was lukewarm at best. Guess this is why, at 46, she never married.
My family is the same way. We DO nice things for each other, and my mother, God bless her, is always buying me "things", but, sometimes it'd be nice to receive a warm, full hug. Doesn't happen much with my parents. They're cordial, keep me at arm's length. If I ever conceive a son or daughter, I'm going to show the child lots of warmth and affection, so that they may be an openly loving individual.
What's happening? Does your husband make you feel bad about yourself?