IMO based on what has worked for me.........

100% mutual trust, without complete trust the relationship doesn't have a steady foundation to stand on.

Always respect each other, never belittle, degrade or abuse the other in any form (verbally, emotionally, physically).

Being compatible in sexual and important non-sexual ways (finances, having kids/or not having kids, future goals, relationship expectations, etc.).

Keep the fires burning, be affectioinate, be intimate, have a desire to be with each other.

Never take each other for granted.

Each partner being open and honest, be able to communicate well, talk about problems rationally (not yell and fight, that solves nothing), listen to each other's POV and try to get an understanding of where the other is coming from. Agree to disagree at times.

Accept and love each other's similarities and each other's differences.

Both partners being able to compromise.

Love and accept each other *as is* without trying to change the other person. If you can't love and accept a partner as he/she is then it's probably not the right relationship for you.

Neither partner being needy, clingy, controlling. Respect each other's personal space.

Understand that you're two individuals with different thoughts, ideas, different ways but that doesn't mean one partner is right and one is wrong, they're just different.

Don't allow petty unimportant crap to get in the way. If it doesn't have an impact on your life, your relationship, then it doesn't matter.

Never go to bed angry at each other, tomorrow might never come for one of you.

So far, the only truly healthy relationship I have is between my ears and within my chest, and I even grapple within those parameters, within myself, at times!

Communication is key, and it's tricky. It's give-and-take. And sometimes she doesn't TELL me what she wants; I have to sort of magically figure it out on my own. I just forge ahead with what I want, and hope she is on the same page. We don't live together, we just date, so I have no idea what she's doing behind my back when I'm not around. If I concerned myself with that, I'd go nuts!

Maybe I don't really love her that much...I DO care about her, when she opens up enough to connect with me...

I wish I had what leatheran speaks of but communication and hoping my bf would listen to my POV would be a dream come true. I never get validation, acknowledgement or even an ounce of empathy for my feelings or point of view! This is where I know our relationship fails many have told me he is emotionally abusive and none of my friends or family think i should be with him. I just know we keep ending up back together and I either want it to work out better or move on with my life but I don't know that I have decided to give up yet. i do not think he will change. But I guess I still hope i can get through to him. I keep trying and getting hurt to the point where I am about to lose all of the feelings i once had.

Good communication and both partners being good listeners and understanding is essential in a relationship I'm in. If good communication is not there, I'm not going to be there. If anything on my list isn't there, they relationship won't continue. I don't believe in settling for less than what I want and need in a relationship.

We have disagreements, we don't see every eye to eye but we at least try to see the other's POV. It doesn't mean we'll always agree with it even if we understand it but we're ok with agreeing to disagree at times.

You said you don't think he will ever change, people only change if they want to change and want to do it for themselves. Chances are if people change to please another person, they'll eventually go back to their old ways because they're not doing it themselves.

You can't change anyone, you can only change yourself, change your reaction and decide what for your life and not settle for less. You can accept and love him as is and be happy with who he is but if you can't be happy with him and with the relationship as it is, it might be time to move on.

Have you defined what it is in your relationship that is not healthy, that you're not happy with?

Healthy relationships come by understanding it's not a perfect race and mistakes will be made. And that irregardless of those mistakes, you will always look at each other in the face and tell one another you love them because you wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Sighting your son plays to that idea. Unfortunately we often hold others in our life to a standard much higher. Now tell me, how can anyone live up to a standard higher than your son? Exactly...

I am so on board with leatherandlace. I am having some difficult times right now with my wife, who I love incredibly. A lot of it are my insecurities and mis trust. Thank you, L & L

I do know what is unhealthy in our relationship, it is emotional abuse by him never validating my feelings, acknowledging my feelings, or even accepting them at all. Every time I am upset about anything and I try to talk to him he says "You shouldn't feel that way", "It's not how you think it is", or "You are the one making the problem". For instance, I avoid his x-wife because she hates me not because she knows me (she never has talked to me or anything), but because I am with him. Point blank she used to come to his house and tell him when she comes she wants me to leave. He would walk out of the house leaving me in there with her. She would grab their daughter by the arm tightly hurting her to pull her away from me if she spoke to me at all. He never told her if she is going to be like that she needs to leave or anything to stick up for me or his poor daughter (she was 8 at the time). So back to the subject of wrong, they were having a family reunion (she is also his cousin), so I figured she would go because she has worked her way back into his sisters life etc... so I avoid certain people because I do not want drama (which has happened every time I have seen that woman) so I told him I don't think we should go because she is probably going and I don't want to go if she is going. He assures me she is working that day and not going. We drive into the parking lot of the park they had the reunion at and she was there. I asked him "Well what do we do now?" He didn't say anything. I was feeling upset because I had told him before I knew she would come. He said I was the one making the drama not her. I told him no I am avoiding drama not trying to make it. He went to the reunion and I drove home. I texted him saying that I think he didn't care about my feelings because of how he did that to me after me totally letting him know I do not want to be around if she is there. HIs daughter has to pretend she hates me when her mom is there even if I avoid the woman family members won't talk to me or hang out with me when she is there and he doesn't care how I feel in that situation. Now he says he will just go to everything without me then. I feel that he is not willing to compromise anything. His grown up almost 30 year old son and daughter have joined in with the mom yelling at me because I was at his house when they dropped by with their mom to visit their dad when he and I had plans. One time the none of his kids were home the young one was at school and she walked in his house when we were home alone and made coffee with some cousin of theirs in his kitchen like she lived there. She had her own apartment. I went through so much to get out of that situation with him and her because it was terrible to deal with all the time. Finally I moved away trying to leave him but whenever we break up after a week or two he wants me back and relentlessly pursues me even if I keep telling him no or don't answer. Yes I have feelings for him but no he is not good for me and I know it. I have been on this roller coaster ride for years almost 8 years!! I know its my fault for going back to him. He even moves in her house saying he is staying with his daughter when it is her house and tells me they do not have a relationship at all. One time he broke up with me to have sex with another cousin. I know it is not me my son unfortunately has been witness to many dark things concerning his x-wife and all of his kids. The most recent crap my son and i dealt with and mind you I have stayed away from this woman for years now by avoiding anything where she is around and we took his 5 year old grandson to the waterpark with us (this was a day with my friends and my son) and when my BF went in the gas station the boy told my son and I that his grandma (the X-wife) called you (ME) He Man. Ok my son is now 17 and he was so angry not at the boy but at that whole family because later the grandson went and showed his aunt when ( the 15 year old daughter) a picture of He Man on my kindle fire and she grinned until I asked her why her mom calls me that and then she just shrugged her shoulders like she doesn't know. So its really about him and his family always doing hurtful things and when I say anything he gets mad at me not them. He really should just go be with them. I always think why doesn't he leave me alone he doesn't respect me or care about me really or he would not let these things go on and always choose her side and basically every time I have had a problem with her or the kids he has left me. Now I just beat him to the punch and throw his stuff in his truck and change my locks but he always ends up back with me. I hate to love him. I know it is my choices but for some reason I keep doing this to myself. I am trying to really open my eyes to the emotional abuse and now that I do I see him put up the wall and totally disregard my feelings whenever something happens. My son see's it too. Now we are just waiting for the next thing to happen. I never feel secure with him because he leaves every time we have a problem. he wont talk and only acknowledges me again when I don't say anything about anything going on. It's like I can't talk to him at all.... He is like talking to a wall. I do not feel like we are in it together at all, I am with him and I feel alone.