Glad to see that you are looking for answers lostdaddy. May want to try under infidelity board too to see if anyone else has run into this problem. Still sending you my support. Hope your New Year is going good and that you are looking into what makes you happy in life.

"How long does one have to be torn apart and heart shredded before while the other one decides wheither or not she wants to have sex or even lay next to the other person"?

Sometimes I read more into what someone says than they actually say. Some times I write a script for others to follow and expect them to mind read me so they would know the hidden parts of my question. I expe t them to understand that sex is included in some future chapters of my script.

For instance, if I asked someone if they wanted to live with me, I would mean sleeping with me and having sex before long would be included. However, the person I ask might say yes, because I have a condo that has a pool, a fireplace and a nice, soft bed. If I want to have a woman live with me as a sex partner, then I had better include that aspect of my script in the question I ask.

If she knows sex is expected to be part of the deal, then the answers might be different.

You ask how long a person has to wait for an answer to your question. I ask if it has been asked directly and if so, I ask if she has actually told you she needs longer to decide.

yeah, what crusty said. As a matter of fact, i recommend that you follow exactly what he said.

no one can read your mind and you can't read hers either. get it all out in the open and figure out where you are going from here.

not talking about things only makes matters worse and people stay frustrated. hence your situation.

@lostdaddy - I was your friend and chatted with you through the pain you experienced while she was with her ex, so i am going to speak plainly.

She showed you who she is when she cheated. She took your young daughter and went back with her legally convicted, child molesting ex-husband. She stayed with him, sent you taunting messages, and treated you terribly. But surprise the judge sided with you in giving you custody of your daughter ... rightly so, but seemingly a shock to her.

So that was then and this is now. Now you have taken her back and (it looks like) stopped the divorce. This only goes to benefit her.

Has she changed? I know you hope so but what is she showing you?

She is back with you and is once again showing you who she is if you just look. She is rejecting you in a way that she didn't before she cheated. Not only does she not want to have sex, she doesn't even want the intimacy of laying next to you.

You, instead of feeling love and relief that your wife is back, are feeling like a plague carrier. This is a terrible position to be in.

So why is she back with you? It sure doesn't seem to be about love.

What do you really want? Do you want to feel like you are scum for the rest of your marriage? Do you want to be treated this way?

Having or not having sex is a symptom of whatever is wrong. It is not the problem itself.

She either needs to commit 100% to marriage counseling and working on your marriage, or she needs a swift kick out of door.

this is true Imdealing, my divorce is on hold. I would never stop it and lose what i have gained. For me and my daughters sake. I asked her back because I wanted some type of normalancy for my daughter, as well as for me. I thought long and hard first before. when she left the first time, I was stabbed in the back in the dark. My eyes are wide open right now, and will continue to be. She knows I have the judges ear on this.
Now as far as the sex, she has every excuse, and some are viable, for not. Ovarian cyst pain, scared to be committed, am I going to kick her out afterwards.... and the list goes on. But in all this pain for me, I also look at my daughter, see right now that she is happy to have her mom there, and at this point in my life, I cant just walk away without some collateral damage to me and my daughter. She is only 4. We as parents will do just about anything for our kids. I am going to give her until the end of this month to see if improvements are visual. If they arent, then I will have to make a choice. but this time it will be my choice. Thanks Lori for being there for me in all this also. You are a good friend.
Crusty, thanks for the advice, but marriage and sex should be already in the script. so yes, i have said it before and will continue to let my feelings be known to her all this month. But also in this i wont be brutal, and I wont stop fighting for an US until the very last. But the very last will be my choice now.
Thanks

lostdaddy, it seems as though ImDealing knows a lot more about your situation and therefore his advice sounds very solid and accurate. I would wonder why she came back. Did the other guy throw her out? Do you have more to provide financially that he did? I do not want to belittle what you feel for her, but what about your feelings? I does not sound as though she is back for love. As for your daughter, I know many people stay together for the children, but that is not always the right decision. If your wife continues to have this type of relationship, or lack there of, with you, your daughter will sense this. Children are very smart but you should also know, if you should follow through with the divorce, children are very resilient. Children need to be in healthy relationships and that does not always mean both parents are living under the same roof. If your wife agrees to counseling then it may be a step in the right direction. If she does not, I believe you will have to make what is the best decision for you and your daughter. Be strong and hang in there.

Yes she and I are going to counseling. She has a lot of things she is having to deal with from her point of view. I am the one who is dealing with only us. No he didnt throw her out, though i hope he falls in a snow bank and isnt found until next spring, but I have to work beyond my feeling on all of this. See the whole picture for what it is. I dont want to be on the edge, or cusp, of a reconciled relationship and me walk out. I am going to give it my all until I know it is not worth my time and effort
If this is wrong, then I am the only one to suffer.
The other guy is a child molester who molested her older daughter. My journals are free to read if you like. she cant ever take my daughter around the CM and that will be the way things will always be.

Have you asked her straight out why she doesn't want to sleep with you and what did she say?

Aronia, her answer is that right now she wants her feeling for me to return. I tell her that sex bonds you together but I m trying not to be pushy either. I am giving her time to reflect and make her own choice too.

Well if this is how she really feels then I suppose you have to court her. Treat her like a "date" rather than someone you knew for years.
If she is being sincere I can understand where she may be coming from, but I commend you for being so patient, loving and wonderful after everything you've been through.
Good luck!!!!

Boy...that's a tough one. Never been married, but in my relationships, I can say this:

Get YOURSELF more interesting! Play hard to get. Act like you don't want her, and then she'll want you. Reverse psychology: It works every time!

It sucks, but we're all playing "the game". Be the steely sex machine she probably wants and most likely left you for, rather than the weak, wounded love puppy, indulge in outdoor activities, fix up the house, be a macho man, if you're not already, and act like you don't give a shit about her. See how that works. I have a feeling it'll work like a charm.

Then, in bed, when she demonstrates that she likes the "new you", let the vulnerable side emerge, along with the beast who is ravishing her. Just a thought.

Just like to add that the only downside to this mode of thinking, about yourself, is, beware, you'll realize that you don't REALLY love this woman anymore...you'll see her as the lying, cold-hearted, manipulative, deceitful bitch she is (I read your journal)! Same thing happened to me. I lost all love and respect for this woman I used to be enamored with. While I'm open to another woman, there's nobody I really like that much now.

Good luck to you, brother, and hang tough, with buddies. Fellow male comrades in arms cushion the blow for each other when romantic entanglements with a lady go belly up, same as you ladies need galpals for the same reason.

You're a firefighter? Surely you've got a lot of buddies there to hang with and tell war stories with over a beer. Just NOT TOO MANY beers, OK? Work out at the gym with buddies too.

It's time to build yourself up, and, no offense to you ladies, but chock up the ladies in the proper perspective, that they have a PLACE in your heart, but they don't occupy your WHOLE HEART; they don't DEFINE EVERYTHING you are!

Lostdaddy, I've read your journals from the beginning and we've spoken a few times. I understand your desire to want a family with your daughter and her mother, but honestly do you think this is best for you? I read the pain that your wife caused you and honestly you don't deserve to go through that again. I wish you the best of luck, I really do.

Unconditional love is a term that is thrown around a lot but has very few actual applications. When you are married and in love with the person you chose to live with, that love is NOT unconditional. There are lots of conditions that would cause that love to leave. Infidelity, drug abuse, physical abuse, illegal behavior, etc.. It may all be well and good to say that you love someone unconditionally, but in reality, it doesn't work in a romantic relationship.

It sounds like you are afraid to let go. You have a dream of what you want to be for your future and your wife plays a role in that dream. Sometimes, dreams are mere fantasy that can't be fulfilled. My advice to you is to do whatever you think you need to do to feel good about yourself. If it works and you are able to salvage the relationship then that is great. If not, you can walk away knowing that you did EVERYTHING you could to make things work. But take a step back and look at the relationship from a different perspective to determine if you REALLY want to continue to live in the type of relationship that you have. Do you like who YOU are in this relationship. Do you like who SHE is in the relationship. If neither one of you like who you have become, then you BOTH need to work to change things. You can only change yourself - make yourself into the person you want to be and the type of person that you believe you would want to be with (you have to be a complete person in order to have a successful relationship).

If you need to, you can let go. It may seem like if you let go it will be a long fall and you will be seriously hurt (emotionally) but you'd be surprised what happens when you are finally able to successfully let go. It's liberating and revitalizing. Good luck.