Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hi everyone,
I am taking time to share what has been going in my relationship to seek opinions, advice, and feedback.
Let's start with a little background. I met my boyfriend when I was eighteen and I will be turning 23 tomorrow. December will be five years that we have been together. I have noticed recently that our realtionship has been kind of rocky over the past six months. I just graduated college in May of last year, and have been styruggling balancong my new job at a child welfare agency. I have noticed that we have both been saying rude things to eachother and it almost feels like we are distancing ourselves from one another. Over the weekend we went out with soem friends and I started yelling at him because he lost my air pods. Normally on this scenario, I would have brushed it off and said something on the lines of "stores make new ones everyday", but inistead I yelled at the top of my lungs in front of a crowd of people and we ended up leaving the event we were at.
Over the past six months, my significant other has been begging me to move in with him but the issue is, he does not take care of anything he owns and he is not cleanly. I get tired of cleaning up after him and I have vocalized this on many occassions. The main response I get back is " I would be cleaner if you lived with me." My issue is that I live with my significant other from Friday until Monday morning, and I live with my parents Monday through Thursday. I just recently picked up a car payment, phone bill, and other bills. He keeps begging me to a buy house but the market is terrible right now. Everyday he complains and is rude to me because I do not live with him.
Whenever I go out drinmong with friends, he yells at me and says rude things. Granted he does not drink often but it does not give him the right to call mea bitch or other rude names. I just feel so lost in my life right now and I do not know what to do.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
And why is he begging YOU to buy a house? If you are really in a relationship, shouldn't that be a joint purchase? Or does he want you as a sugar mama?
And here is what I am truly hearing: he is manipulative and controlling. It sounds like he wants to own you. He demeans you. He takes no responsibility for the cleanliness of his home/apartment and wants you to be responsible instead of himself. This will not work out well. You will always be unhappy with a relationship with a person like this.
Remember people show us who they are and how they are. He is showing you who he is. Stop trying to change how he is in your mind. He is this obnoxious, controlling, mean mouth, rude and awful guy. It is time to rethink your own value to yourself. When does your self value and sense of self worth become more important to you. Of course you feel lost. You have invested a lot of years into a guy who is controlling, manipulative. takes no responsibility, has no remorse, is a user, inflicts pain, etc. Now is the time to free yourself so you can find a decent guy, a real man of high character. I married a guy like your BF and it was always about him and he had to get his way or it was WW3. Save yourself. Love yourself first. You are worth fighting for a good life without him. I am sorry to be blunt like this.
Lots of guys his age are Mama's Boys. It's not uncommon. But you don't seem like the type of grown woman who would want a mama's boy (by the way, who does he live with now? His Mom? Is he renting his own place alone, now?). I think there is a financial reason why he wants you two to live together now (wants you to pay for his stuff.... because he can't save money... and he has a bad credit score). Either that, or he does not trust you (calling you names when you go out with your friends), and he wants to keep a closer eye on you. Alllllll red flags. Don't move in with him right now! There are things that need to be figured out first.
I get it... first love is SO powerful. We think we will be with this person forever and for the rest of our lives. Maybe you will with him, maybe you won't. It just seems to me that you are a grown woman clearly with her act together, and he is lacking a little in the maturity department, and he has some more growing up to do first.
You two may be in two different places in your life right now. I suggest you spend more time with your classes, your new job, your friends.... maybe there is too much togetherness with you and him?
Take a step back. Spend some time apart (not breaking up, but skip some weekends), go out with your friends, concentrate on school, work, your hobbies, your own life.
I hope the best for you. I am just not so sure if this guy is The One. What do you think??
Dark Chocolate
I don't read anything about respect, and a lot about disrespect.
Sounds like you've been working towards your education/work goals....where is he in his life?
You are lucky that you've got supportive parents. I wonder if you could support yourself with your income? or are you saving towards a long term plan 5 years/10 year goals for yourself and independent life?
You really need to think Long Term, I tell my 25 year old son there might not be social security later in your life...watch your money....do you have student loans that need to be paid back?
You are a very different person from 18 to today, a first love, real love....people 'show' you who they are, he is 'showing you'....if you can move in with him and then return back to parents if it doesn't work out...what have you to loose....maybe your sanity? or real truthful answers. I wouldn't move much.
Buy a house No Frigg'n Way!!!
Please believe what he is showing you about himself, that he is irresponsible and immature. Maybe it will change but I suspect it won’t. Whatever you do, please do not pay for anything that involves him and don’t move in with him. Perhaps take some time to focus on yourself. It will scare him but it might be the best thing for you both.
After graduating college, there are growing pains sometimes too outside of the relationship. It’s a big transition to be out of school and jumping into a job. You need to get your footing.
Don’t let him pressure you. I don’t think he wants you to move in with him out of love and devotion. I think it’s his way of keeping you around. That’s not how a mature, secure partner acts.
Be honest with yourself about how you feel about him now??
If you think that this is a relationship that you truly want to stay in maybe some couples counseling to work on problems that you're having may help??
I wish you well.... xo