Big hug for you cotton ……

The only way not to continue wasting more years if that's what you think you're truly doing is to do something about it …. You may lose some money but would it be worth it?? or do you want to be doing this same thing 5 years from now

I walked away and really found myself in a rough spot financially however it was still the best decision and I am fine with less stuff

Only you know what's best for you

If you just need to vent then I'm giving you a big hug..... xo

Maybe in a weird way this is giving you the clarity you really needed to be able to finally make a decision. I don't really believe god judges us for bad thoughts. I mean, they're just thoughts. It's ok to have them. It really is.

Sorry you're struggling. I know this is a hard time for everyone especially when things are already not great in their relationships or families.

i wonder, is your name on the mortgage/house in both names? perhaps the bank could reverse. i agree with sun and rmb, life is short and all about choices.
best to you!

hugs my friend. I feel for you. It could be me writing your post. Take a step back and a deep breath. Then get a lawyer's advice, a therapist and a financial advisor. Separate all bank accounts or start one of your own if you do not already have one. You can do it. It is horribly hard, but you can do it. I was living in the same house for one year after I filed for divorce. hehehe. And everytime I saw him, I smiled turned around and walked away. He gave me the silent treatment, but I relished that. It gave me the peace and quiet I desperately needed. You will be fine.

I agree with the above posters. I, too, was raised to be very religious and I thought I was being "bad" and God was going to punish me for wanting out of my marriage. I used to wish my husband would die of all the excessive drinking and unhealthy habits. It would have relieved me of going through the hard process of divorce, but eventually it became too much and I filed. I have never looked back. You can do it.

Also, it looks to me like you are being emotionally abused. The silent treatment serves to intimidate you and make you feel afraid or ashamed about asking what he's up to, with the money. If you don't already, start a secret journal (an encrypted file on a password-protected computer might be best, or something on your work computer if you're accessing it remotely) and document his behaviors with the date and time, quoting what was said. It helps you to see things more clearly and it may help you answer questions your attorney asks. That mortgage holiday sounds like a big deal breaker - find out what you can about the finances. If he won't allow you to see, document it! When you talk to an attorney, be discreet and let your husband think everything is normal. You might have to have your attorney file an injunction and freeze the accounts so your husband can't clean them out. Sending big hugs!

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this! Would your husband ever be amenable to marriage or financial counseling? It sounds like there is a lot of unresolved conflict over the years. The fact that you are still there says a lot about your character and tenacity. Is he fully aware of the triggers that set off anger and frustrations? Have you communicated these things all along the way to him?
I know it's awful hard to "armchair quarterback" things we know nothing about, so I'll not do that. Just know I'm praying for you and I really do believe that there is always hope when two people are still committed to a relationship and working towards the same ends. I pray this is so for you or that it is something you can work towards. Anger is a toxic emotion, please find an outlet to be able to release it, are you able to exercise some at all, even with all this quarantine? That might help you out. Perhaps seeing a counselor to have an outlet of someone to speak to? Sorry... wish I could be of more help!!

thank you everyone for your kindness and understanding. thank you for helping me feel that i am not a monster having these thoughts. i know that i need to take control of my life or end up living like this for ever. so many times i have tried to work things out with him, i have tried to be kind and understanding but he just makes a fool out of me. He does not accept that what he does is wrong. it has got to the point that i am scared to open my mouth, i am scared to give my view about even basic things as he will punish me with the silent treatment etc. Unless he gets his own way he will go in a mood. I am also scared of his anger, if we are in public say in the middle of supermarket etc and we disagree over something he will walk away from me and leave the store, if in the car he will drive like a manic, if in the house he bangs and slams things, he punched a hole in the door, locked me out in the snow in the middle of the night when i had left the house as he was throwing things about and i thought my dog was going to get hurt, he left me when on holiday in a foreign country to get the bus back to hotel myself which was scary. what had i done - i was tired and did not want to visit a castle that he wanted to. we used to go away in a camper van which i bought him but if we had any form of disagreement he would just throw everything into the van and would leave, effectively ending our trip.
in effect his behaviour has worked as i am scared to open my mouth. when we first met i asked if we could have dinner without the tv being on, as tv is on 24/7 but he threatened to get a hammer and smash it up. needless to say 15 years later we spend every night eating dinner staring at the tv. it no longer matters to me anymore as i do not care that he does not want to talk to me. when i found out about the £4000 debt on his computer rather than discussing it with me and saying sorry he changed his password on his computer. now i do not know what debt he has. I could honestly write a book at all the things over the years. i now do not believe a word he says. He never says sorry and somehow manages to make everything my fault.
i am sorry for this rant, it has helped me i think because as time goes on and because i behave and dont rock the boat - for example i hardly said a word about the mortgage holiday things just carry on. Maybe this is a wake up call for me as this is how my life will look like in 7 years when i retire.
thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to me. i hope that you and yours all keep safe

Passive/aggressive is hard to deal with

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201508/10-signs-passive-aggressive-relationship

Children do the silent treatment. Adults should talk. No wonder you’re angry living in what must be a lonely house. Take care of yourself

This is hard. I am so sorry for you! Have you talked to anyone about this and all of your feelings towards your husband? If not, please do. Whatever you decide about your marriage, I would suggest talking with someone. It seems you have many years of hurt that has gone unhealed. Please take time to take care of yourself and work on you. Maybe then everything with your marriage will be a bit clearer and you will know what God wants you to do next. You will get through this. HUGS!!!

Sending u a huge hug. Silence can be a tremendous, seemingly endless torture. Trust me, ur not alone. My husband has many of the same issues and it can be overwhelming especially when you feel invisible. I want u to know that others understand ur fear of getting older and feeling vulnerable financially etc. You can change your path with support, reach out! I wish u the best and hope u know ur not alone in ur struggle!❤❤❤

Would it help to realize he is not going to change, or is incapable of changing? So if he won't ever change into someone you like, then what plans do you need to make to live your best or authentic life. I was married to a bad guy once and it took me a lot of time to realize I had the power to make a better life for myself without him. His secrets and lies and self absorbed nature just made it a terrible marriage for me. He was satisfied. I bet your husband is satisfied with how things are right now. He controls you. The silent treatment, the anger and leaving you in the grocery store, the financial fraud of the mortgage abatement thing, all point to unhappiness for you. What I finally did was start to make a plan on paper, my secret plan. Instead of saying "I can't" sell the house, "I can't" stand living here any longer, I went to an attorney and found out my legal options, I started making copies of our financial papers, I opened a secret bank account for my paycheck to go into, I put away cash. This anger is your soul saying free me, free me. Please find the courage to do what is best for you, whatever you decide that will be. I have now realized that if I had stayed married, I would be a pauper in retirement as all the retirement savings was in his name. But in my state, I was legally entitled to half his retirement savings and I got it and now I am going to be okay. While the bad ones tend to keep making trouble, at least I am free and no longer under his thumb.

thank you all for your replies. yes he is totally happy as he gets to do what he wants when he wants. he does not have to answer to anyone and does not have to put any effort into trying to make me happy or to give me any attention. I feel invisible to him, i feel uncomfortable when he looks at me as i feel that he is negatively comparing me to the other women he ogles.
yes he is not going to change, he has no need to. thank you urban gardener for your wisdom. Thank you for your understanding. Your words really touched me.

Cottontail, it sounds to me that you really feel stuck with him. The anger you are feeling is a sign you need a change! Change is challenging and scary, but I believe you can do what you need to feel better again. If you believe staying with him is in your best interest, I would suggest relationship counseling. I know this will likely have to wait until the pandemic subsides, but afterward maybe you could set something up with a counselor. If he decides to act out and leave in anger without hearing a word you have to say, maybe it's time you meet with a divorce attorney and look at your options. I feel for you! Try to remind yourself that you are important and that you deserve to be treated with kindness!

Hi Cottontail, I’m saddened by your post, I’m so sorry you have to go through this! I understand exactly how you feel, I am in a very similar situation. We have been married 25 years, I have lived through his porn addiction, the countless lies, an affair, almost loosing our business of 23 years because of his depression and then immigrating across the world to start all over again, through all of the above I have stuck by his side!

The older he gets the more difficult, moody, irritable and super sensitive, I find myself constantly avoiding him, it’s draining being around him. He’s a homebody, does not have friends, watches TV from morning till night on his days off and gets offended if I don’t spend time with him while he watches TV. He complains a lot and about everyone.

I walk around on eggshells, I have to watch what I say and how I say it otherwise he gets angry and ignores me for days. I am not allowed to disagree with him, I am not allowed to tell him if I think he did something wrong, I’m not allowed to ask him to do something around the house, I am not allowed to get angry and if I do any of the above he will get upset, sulk and not speak to me at all.
He is constantly telling me what I do wrong and how to do everything his way. I don’t get upset easily and when he does upsets me, I get over it very quickly. I always apologise even if I know I am not at fault and he is being ridiculous, I do it to just to keep the peace.

He knows I hate the silent treatment, I think he does it to punish me.

When he is in a good mood, everyone is relaxed and happy, he can be so kind and loving at times otherwise there is so much tension in our home.

According to him, I am the problem! I am the one who does and says things to annoy him so I am constantly blamed for 90% of our arguments.
An example of the kind of things he gets angry over, we went on holiday, we were laying out at the pool, we had not been there long and he wanted to go back to our hotel room, I said I would like to stay at the pool a bit longer......he never spoke to me for 3 days!!

So I totally feel your pain, I feel stuck too as I don’t have the guts to leave him and he knows I never will.

It is such a sad situation it leaves you feeling empty inside, worthless at times and not good enough.
My self confidence has disappeared, I feel like my life is wasting away but deep down I know I am worth far more, I deserve to be happy, we all do!!

Sending you a great big hug! I’ll say a little prayer for you x