Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
My husband and I have been married more than 9 years and we're in marriage counseling because of many issues. At one point my hubby told me he wanted a divorce and I truly thought things were over. After I'd been staying at my parent's for a week he came to me crying and said he really missed me and he was wrong and he wanted to work on things. We've been getting along well since this happened about 2 weeks ago. We have work to do but we both love each other. We are both at fault for our martial problems.
The whole situation has got me wondering what a good marriage is and how do I know I married the right person? What if I would be happier with someone else but I will never know it because I'm in the wrong relationship? I married my college sweetheart. We are best friends and love each other dearly but one of the reasons we have martial problems is because I hate sex. It doesn't feel good. I was an idiot and waited until we were married to have sex so I have nothing to compare it to. Sorry if this is TMI but we did all kinds of other things and I had such passion for him but after our first time together I just slowly lost that passion. I'm going to start seeing a sex therapist because it is so awful knowing sex is so enjoyable for everyone but me. I've been to the doctor and nothing is phyically wrong with me. I had a very happy childhood and have no "daddy" issues. My parents are happily married. Ha!
Sorry this is so long. For all those who have been married for three or more years do you still have a spark or is it is more of just a deep love for one another? I can't imagine life without my husband but do we really have a good marriage without the passion? I'm hoping once I get help from a therapist we'll at least have passion in the bedroom but mabye I married someone I'm not compatible with and we should just be friends. My birthday is tomorrow and I think I'm having a mid-life crisis. ;) I'm overanalyzing all areas of my life. Please help!
The whole situation has got me wondering what a good marriage is and how do I know I married the right person? What if I would be happier with someone else but I will never know it because I'm in the wrong relationship? I married my college sweetheart. We are best friends and love each other dearly but one of the reasons we have martial problems is because I hate sex. It doesn't feel good. I was an idiot and waited until we were married to have sex so I have nothing to compare it to. Sorry if this is TMI but we did all kinds of other things and I had such passion for him but after our first time together I just slowly lost that passion. I'm going to start seeing a sex therapist because it is so awful knowing sex is so enjoyable for everyone but me. I've been to the doctor and nothing is phyically wrong with me. I had a very happy childhood and have no "daddy" issues. My parents are happily married. Ha!
Sorry this is so long. For all those who have been married for three or more years do you still have a spark or is it is more of just a deep love for one another? I can't imagine life without my husband but do we really have a good marriage without the passion? I'm hoping once I get help from a therapist we'll at least have passion in the bedroom but mabye I married someone I'm not compatible with and we should just be friends. My birthday is tomorrow and I think I'm having a mid-life crisis. ;) I'm overanalyzing all areas of my life. Please help!
Definitely go to a sex therapist and find out why you don't like sex! Or why, maybe, you don't like sex with your husband. Figure out from the sex therapist the way to get the proper satisfaction from sex. More foreplay, longer sessions, etc.
I married the right person when I married him 32 years ago and we were right for each other up until we hit about 27 years into our marriage. For all those years, yes we always had the spark, the passion, the lust for each other and the love. Gradually things changec, I changed, he changed, our relationship changed and we're no longer right for each other so we're getting divorced. We have no regrets about getting married to each other, no regrets about us deciding to go our separate ways now. We're parting as close friends with a lot of wonderful memories.
Neither of us were virgins when we married, we both had previous partners, we both knew what kind of sex lifestyle we wanted/needed so we knew we were sexually compatible and we knew we were compatible in every other way. The passion, the lust and our sex life died when there were other problems in our relationship (27 years into it) and those problems were because we were just no longer compatible in a lot of ways and no longer on the same page with our relationship needs.
Whether you married the right person or not, only you can figure that out and a therapist can help you do that.
I thought I met the ideal woman 5 years ago. Now she bores me.
Just when I think I know what I want out of life, life changes, or I change, and I don't want it anymore.
There is a sense, for me, in wanting to stay healthy. Health became an increasing priority at age 40. So any relationship has to be conducive to that end, one of physical activity, diet/nutrition and proper rest-oriented; as little stress and drama as possible.
Assess where you are at this point in your life, versus where you want to be, and discuss it with your therapist.
In my opinion, marriage is not a celebration of finding the 'right' person; it is a formal commitment to being an adequate person and to accept your partner as an adequate person.
I suppose the word 'adequate' is kind of a downer when people are planning $20K weddings, but the truth of the matter is that things do pretty much always change over time. There's a scientific explanation for this having to do with brain chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin but I think the poets and writers describe it better. Here's a great explanation from Captain Corelli's Mandolin:
When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!
OK, me again. Wish I could write like that. In any case, this is the way it is for almost everyone. I guarantee that if you've been married for 10 years, you can fall madly passionately in love with someone else. You might even decide you LOVE sex; you might wallow in it and do anything and everything six times a day. This is how your brain is wired.
All you can do about it is try to keep things interesting within the relationship (which may involve counseling) and learn to relish and accept the changes as they come.
What 'adequate' means is that there are limits to what a person can tolerate. This is a completely personal decision. In my case, I couldn't stand my wife's boyfriend (ahem) so that was it for me. Violence is a deal-breaker, or should be, for most people. If either party drifts out of the other party's vision of 'adequate' then the marriage will either fail or get really unpleasant.
Note that this is not doom and gloom. Read the Captain Corelli quote again. It is actually a marvelous adventure and I saw my parents go through it for 40 years and they loved each other right up until my mom died. What 'love' meant changed over time, but it never stopped for them until death stopped it.