Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I am 45 my new husband is 56.
We met last May 2012and married this May 2013. We have been together since we met, living together ever since! In love and generally happy.
We are both self-employed and work from home. I work for him sometimes.
The immediate attraction we felt for each other has lasted and this man has a strange hold over me, I cant explain how he makes me feel but he is a very strong person. The phrase 'his way or no way' was definately meant for him.! He is also kind loving and generous.
The problem is that I have an uneasy feeling about the power he has over me in this relationship and I need to regain some! He is a very strong man for sure and I like this but he does impose his wishes upon me and others without hearing or being able to consider their feelings, it seems!
He makes me feel as if I can do nothing to get his respect and admiration - this is what I want. Nothing I seem to do is good enough and I feel like I am a constant disappointment, but he does however say I am an amazing women and such like. Which leaves me feeling confused. I am very much an 'actions speak louder than words' person.
For example: I recently managed to get an art gallery to take two of my paintings . I was very excited and came home to tell him the news. He was very disappointed in me, that I had let them go for such a low amount ( 1600). I felt crushed to be honest. Very sad.
He talks to me like he is my Father and makes me feel like a child. Im not sure how he does this but it troubles me as i am a strong feisty business women.
He also made me sell my car so we only have his which ties me to the house.
If I want to buy something I have to ask his permission, such as a treadmill, to which he said no.
I used to do volunteer work with children in a local hospice and he made me give this up.
Im not quite sure why I agreed to all these things, but I just want to please him!
If I text him when he has popped out, something sweet and loving, he almost always never replies, or spontaneously texts me either. But in the privacy of our bedroom he is loving and kind and holds me tight.
I know I married him quickly and the first year of marriage is often difficult but I need to regain some control and regain some self confidence.
My children say to me, why do you care what he thinks so much? and to be honest Im not sure but I never seem to get there....
I have a feeling this is doomed but this is my third marriage and I dont want to fail. ( Marriage one for 12 years, left me when pregnant, marriage two 10 years and I left due to his temper and violence) As a couple we are good together on the whole but there are these issues which make me lie awake at night wondering how I got here!
Any thoughts please, this man makes me feel like I love him way too much to think rationally!
We met last May 2012and married this May 2013. We have been together since we met, living together ever since! In love and generally happy.
We are both self-employed and work from home. I work for him sometimes.
The immediate attraction we felt for each other has lasted and this man has a strange hold over me, I cant explain how he makes me feel but he is a very strong person. The phrase 'his way or no way' was definately meant for him.! He is also kind loving and generous.
The problem is that I have an uneasy feeling about the power he has over me in this relationship and I need to regain some! He is a very strong man for sure and I like this but he does impose his wishes upon me and others without hearing or being able to consider their feelings, it seems!
He makes me feel as if I can do nothing to get his respect and admiration - this is what I want. Nothing I seem to do is good enough and I feel like I am a constant disappointment, but he does however say I am an amazing women and such like. Which leaves me feeling confused. I am very much an 'actions speak louder than words' person.
For example: I recently managed to get an art gallery to take two of my paintings . I was very excited and came home to tell him the news. He was very disappointed in me, that I had let them go for such a low amount ( 1600). I felt crushed to be honest. Very sad.
He talks to me like he is my Father and makes me feel like a child. Im not sure how he does this but it troubles me as i am a strong feisty business women.
He also made me sell my car so we only have his which ties me to the house.
If I want to buy something I have to ask his permission, such as a treadmill, to which he said no.
I used to do volunteer work with children in a local hospice and he made me give this up.
Im not quite sure why I agreed to all these things, but I just want to please him!
If I text him when he has popped out, something sweet and loving, he almost always never replies, or spontaneously texts me either. But in the privacy of our bedroom he is loving and kind and holds me tight.
I know I married him quickly and the first year of marriage is often difficult but I need to regain some control and regain some self confidence.
My children say to me, why do you care what he thinks so much? and to be honest Im not sure but I never seem to get there....
I have a feeling this is doomed but this is my third marriage and I dont want to fail. ( Marriage one for 12 years, left me when pregnant, marriage two 10 years and I left due to his temper and violence) As a couple we are good together on the whole but there are these issues which make me lie awake at night wondering how I got here!
Any thoughts please, this man makes me feel like I love him way too much to think rationally!
( btw I am no relationship expert and can't get my own shit together, so take it for what it is - just an opinion)
You say he is loving and generous. Then you also say :
" He makes me feel as if I can do nothing to get his respect and admiration - this is what I want. Nothing I seem to do is good enough and I feel like I am a constant disappointment "
I ve been with controlling men before and this is exactly what they do - they project the image of this wonderful alpha-god, who suddenly has surrendered to you because of love and then time passes by, the charm armour gets shoved in the closet and they take it out on special occasions for everyone else but YOU.
I am sorry to not offer you hope but i feel that you can't take back control from someone who loves it and you can't teach a person with inability to feel to have compassion and sensitivity.
You know that this man is wrong for you.. However the only choice you really have is to accept him for the asshole that he is and to continue to love him the way he is or leave him and seek for a more suitable partner.
If you stay with him, I would not discourage you from asserting yourself, but it is going to be very painful, because of the above reasons I stated - he gets off on control and he can not feel what you feel.
I am really sorry that you have a man by your side who makes you feel badly.. I understand what it is like.
Good luck!
Some women think they realy like Dominant/submissive relationships, and part of you really does. But there is a downside to them, and this is it. The control issue itself. My father was very controlling like that, and my mom ended up losing her sense of self and her confidence in making decisions, having her own opinions, or that she could live without him, and then me too.
So you are right in sensing these dangers in this relationship.
That this is your third marriage says something. I wonder what your father was like and what your relationship with him was/is like?
I don't see your husband as a loss, perhaps just stuck in that "Captain at the helm" mindset. He sounds loving and caring, so I feel he is approachable on this issue. Maybe just saying or writing him a letter along the lines that you know that he loves you and are only doing what he thinks is best, but that he is in a way, crushing your spirit by his controlling ways. You could say, I'm not a child and am very capable of making very good decision just like him, yet you need to have your voice heard, your opinions respected, to help equally in the decisions and be allowed to simply be you. To SHARE in the decisions and not be forced into them. Didn't he marry you for you, and not what he can mould you into?
Just let him know how you feel, be honest. I'm sorry I have't quite said all this the way I wanted too (having a bad few days) , yet I hope it helps in some way, Blaine
I liked your disclaimer, Aronia.. ha ha.. isn't that the truth for all of us on this forum.
But yeah....sunnyjax, I can relate to your post & You can stand up for your wants.. like refusing to give up things you want. You don't have to be afraid of his disapproval.
As for Receiving the reaction and attitude you desire from him.. that is out of your control. He is who he is and you'll need a strong sense of self and supreme self esteem to be able to handle that... & it takes a toll on your spirit, that's for sure.
Good luck & Hugs to you.
"We are both self-employed and work from home. I work for him sometimes.
The immediate attraction we felt for each other has lasted and this man has a strange hold over me,"
He has a hold because you give him that control - consciously or unconsciously. Unless you both really need the money selling your car gave away your independance physically and metaphorically.
"I have an uneasy feeling about the power he has over me in this relationship and I need to regain some!"
"there are these issues which make me lie awake at night wondering how I got here!"
Part of you wants to please him but you have sent the feisty business woman on permanent leave but you still have an echo of what that feels like to be.
So it is a giant paradox - does the love and support and feel good factor outweigh giving up so much physically and practically.
In a way you have played a role and complied with the 'his way or no way' view of things.
So I guess you need to choose buckle up and you are in 'his way or no way' passenger seat - OR send an SOS to the feisty business woman and have a real heart to heart with him.
And before you do have the heart to heart - know that he really really might just might not get it at any level. Even so he might respect you enough(though he does not understand why) to say OK how do we change things.
Worst case he might just pat you on the head and ask you to to get him an aspirin because you have given him a headache.
Not meant to be disrespectful of either of you but I am not good at being able to write this stuff.
You need to do something though!
For example: I recently managed to get an art gallery to take two of my paintings . I was very excited and came home to tell him the news. He was very disappointed in me, that I had let them go for such a low amount ( 1600). I felt crushed to be honest. Very sad.
He talks to me like he is my Father and makes me feel like a child. Im not sure how he does this but it troubles me as i am a strong feisty business women.
He also made me sell my car so we only have his which ties me to the house.
If I want to buy something I have to ask his permission, such as a treadmill, to which he said no.
I used to do volunteer work with children in a local hospice and he made me give this up.
Im not quite sure why I agreed to all these things, but I just want to please him!"
There are some men/women that are like that but what you described is a controller, an emotionally abusive partner........it's not a "real" Dominant in a D/s relationship.
Sunny, abusers try to break down your ability to live independently of them. They feel that they don't really deserve your love, and that they will eventually lose it if they can't force you to depend on them. Look at what he's done. You have to rely on him for transportation. You have to ask him if you want to buy something. He puts down your accomplishments, trying to make you feel undeserving of him, then shows you affection. This is classic abusive behavior, and you don't deserve it.
There are women who enjoy dominant men for a relationship because of their leadership qualities, but that also comes with some unfavorable behaviors. Alpha males do not always like Dom/sub sex.
I believe these things exist independently, but can exist together.
A 24/7 D/s relationship does not equal the dominant partner being a control freak and abuser in any way, shape or form and it does not equal the submissive losing her sense of who she is, her confidence, her own thoughts/opinions, etc.
Why did he make you get rid of it??
People who manipulate and control people are very much how you describe. They need you to seek their approval and love and keep you guessing by throwing in very kind and generous acts in order for you to condone their behavior in your mind. I don't see how this is healthy for you and how you losing your independence will be good for your self esteem which by the way is another one of their ammo to get your control. They keep you feeling like you're not good enough so the stock on their approval is much higher.
Any body can fall victim to this, it's not your fault but let me be so bold to say that it is not healthy and you noticing the signs that something is off is with good reason. If your best friend came to you and described what you're going through, what advice would you give her? Would you be afraid for her, would you want her to seek help? would you want her to leave this situation?
I believe Aronia wrote a posting on this board about those involved in psychopathic relationships. The article mentioned a lot of what you are describing. Please don't take offense to it. It is not an accusation, but empowering yourself with knowledge as to what could be behind his power shift could in turn help empower you.
Good luck!
Tell him that, while you appreciate his strength, that it's OK to tone it down a bit when it comes to you. You'd like him to be a bit softer and more attentive to your tender feelings. He's probably been hurt in the past, and is afraid of being hurt again, so he puts up this wall of strength. Try to assure him that you don't want to hurt him, but his controlling is a bit stifling. For his own health, he should ease up on the controlling nature too. It will give him a heart attack.