Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I am back at Daily Strength after a lengthy hiatus. I am not sure this is the ideal support group for my dilemma, but it seemed the best fit from the choices. I don't expect to make any fans with this post, but I am going to be honest.
I have three men in my life at the moment. I am 51 and have a husband of 26 years. I have been unhappy/bored/ out of love for probably the past 15 years. I really DON'T want to be married anymore, but am paralyzed by the enormity of untangling a marriage of such long standing. Financially, family-wise, etc. In addition, I know it would devastate my husband, who is basically a good person.
The second man is a single man I have fallen completely in love with. We were together once, in December. Since (and before) he makes dates, then calls them off. We have long chats/cybersex, then he ignores me for days. He told me he loves me, needs me, wants a chance with me if I am ever single...then turned cold again. I get my hopes up, then I end up in tears. Multiple times. He has been single for 6 years and told me I was the first woman he made love to in years...but he won't come back for more. His reasoning is that I am married and he believes fundamentally that it is wrong and he has never even entertained the idea of being with a married woman before. I understand that, but why the back-and-forth? I told him last evening that I would be satisfied with just being friends and he told me that he believed we would have our time and place and that it would all come together somehow. So now I am hopeful again...but what the hell does that really mean...? I have tried cutting off contact twice, but I can't stay away. It's a roller coaster ride form hell.
The third man is someone I sought out as a replacement for the second. He is also married. We get together about once a week and have a great time. We are both very sexual, so are well-suited, and we have a lot of laughs. He is crazy about me. I like him a lot, but can't get man # 2 out of my head...
I have a feeling this mess of my own making will one day explode and destroy my life (I also still troll online dating sites and have considered risky undertakings like meeting with a couple for sex). Does anyone have any advice for me? I need a way to get over guy #2 and a way to resolve my marriage issue...even if it means divorce.
I have three men in my life at the moment. I am 51 and have a husband of 26 years. I have been unhappy/bored/ out of love for probably the past 15 years. I really DON'T want to be married anymore, but am paralyzed by the enormity of untangling a marriage of such long standing. Financially, family-wise, etc. In addition, I know it would devastate my husband, who is basically a good person.
The second man is a single man I have fallen completely in love with. We were together once, in December. Since (and before) he makes dates, then calls them off. We have long chats/cybersex, then he ignores me for days. He told me he loves me, needs me, wants a chance with me if I am ever single...then turned cold again. I get my hopes up, then I end up in tears. Multiple times. He has been single for 6 years and told me I was the first woman he made love to in years...but he won't come back for more. His reasoning is that I am married and he believes fundamentally that it is wrong and he has never even entertained the idea of being with a married woman before. I understand that, but why the back-and-forth? I told him last evening that I would be satisfied with just being friends and he told me that he believed we would have our time and place and that it would all come together somehow. So now I am hopeful again...but what the hell does that really mean...? I have tried cutting off contact twice, but I can't stay away. It's a roller coaster ride form hell.
The third man is someone I sought out as a replacement for the second. He is also married. We get together about once a week and have a great time. We are both very sexual, so are well-suited, and we have a lot of laughs. He is crazy about me. I like him a lot, but can't get man # 2 out of my head...
I have a feeling this mess of my own making will one day explode and destroy my life (I also still troll online dating sites and have considered risky undertakings like meeting with a couple for sex). Does anyone have any advice for me? I need a way to get over guy #2 and a way to resolve my marriage issue...even if it means divorce.
I realize that I am f**ked up, but my feelings are what they are. If I could flip a switch, I would.
Wonderful lover #2 loved you for the deviant thrill of nailing a woman who is married. As soon as you developed "feelings" for him, he turned cold. How f-cked up is that?
Yes, your husband's not a lousy man. According to you, he's just a lousy lover.
(sigh) I dunno...start untangling that marriage of such long-standing, and figure out when, and why, you two stopped becoming lovers and started merely becoming roommates.
Your comment about my husband has a ring of truth to it, too. Sigh. Things I have a tough time facing up to.
But I will say that Des gave great advice on the HS board. Telling my H that I wanted to end things was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I had to do it. And he was abusive, so I'm sure your talk might be even more painful because yours is a good guy. But it isn't fair to stay married and not give him your whole self. Best of luck to you in dealing with this.