Healthy Relationships Support Group
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My boyfriend and I both live in Baltimore, MD. He recently came up with this idea that he wants to start applying for jobs in Dallas, a city he recently visited to see family in and really liked. I shrugged it off like he wouldn't do it, and just went about my business not really thinking twice about it. Yesterday, he told me he applied to several jobs, but didn't specify where, and didn't really elaborate, which seemed unusual to me because normally he will tell me all about work and where he applied. I have this awful feeling that he applied in Dallas, and won't tell me because he doesn't want me to know he's looking elsewhere. My heart breaks at the thought of him moving, and it breaks even more thinking about waiting to know what the future holds for us. I can't stop crying. This guy is everything to me, and we are finally at a point where we are so happy together. He will make comments about how happy he is with me and where our relationship is going. Why would he do this? I know it's selfish of me to hold him back, and I'm not going to. I just can't understand it. I haven't said a word to him about it or expressed my feelings out of fear of seeming needy or controlling/suffocating. My approach is to wait it out and silently suffer and wonder about the future. Right now, I am overloaded with my own work, and I have so much to get done but can't because I am obsessing and freaking out and hysterically crying at all of our memories. I am already anticipating losing him. I would never do a long distance relationship, I just couldn't. And I know he would never assume I would move out there with him (he knows I wouldn't). I am hurt and feel disrespected that he has a) looked at me as if I am disposable, and he can just get up and leave, and b) not given me the respect of telling me that he has applied for jobs elsewhere, which is a major life change and would obviously affect me. I am silently feeling all these emotions. I don't know what to do. I can't take care of myself. I just keep crying. Please help. I can't even bare the thought of losing him.
In any case, it is still possible that he will not go anywhere but it would be nice to know where you are in his life..
I am really sorry that you are hurting.. It sucks big time
"I would never do a long distance relationship, I just couldn't. And I know he would never assume I would move out there with him (he knows I wouldn't)"
And then said:
"I am hurt and feel disrespected that he has a) looked at me as if I am disposable, and he can just get up and leave"
Assuming he did apply for jobs elsewhere, maybe HE might feel hurt/disrespected and disposable that you wouldnt want to be with him if he WERE to go.
You love him SO much, but not enough to uproot your life and go with him (which is fine). So obviously its not really that big of a deal.
What I'm getting at is - if you cant be expected to go to be with him, he cant be expected to stay to be with you.
Relationships are about compromise, and ontop of putting the car FAR ahead of the horse, youre already playing out a scenario in your head where you are unwilling to compromise (no long distance, no moving for you). Youre looking at this as though youre a victim ("How could he LEAVE me??") but in all reality, you have just as much of a choice in it as he does.
Hoping it works out for the best.
Do not assume, he thinks you would never move out to Dallas with him (it rarely ceases to amaze me, how confident self-absorbed some people are, thinking of course so and so would support *me*, move out there with *me*, or do a long distance relationship with *me*. Get the conversation out of the way. Talk to him. Where are you guys at, is he planning to move, where would that leave you?
I also alluded to this in another thread, and I think this goes for both sexes (though my own personal experience is with men), that a lot of people, when the relationship starts getting serious, they freak out, feel pinned in a corner (at no fault of your own) and start looking at alternatives. Explore their other options, to help them feel more free.
As a person who's been on the receiving end of this, it really , really sucks. Especially when you're really like them, invested time, think you've been careful to give them space, but due to their own feelings, their feelings strong for you, they get scared and run away.
but again, do not assume anything, again he may be assuming of course you'll move out there with you, no questions ask, or maybe he brings this stuff up to get a pulse of how you feel moving out there with him. Not that he will move out there, but people are so weird, often they won't right out ask how you feel, instead they often put scenarios out there instead. See how you react. That has been my personal experience.
But sure, I agree, there are many who will put it out there anyway, get butt hurt if their partner seems less enthusiastic to move away from their own family to be with them. Hence why it's important to have the talk with him, ask him what he's thinking, if you don't think such a conversation will get anywhere, then move on. NOW!! Not worth it. I've lost a past loved one, due to moving for a job, he moved to Japan. Was it reasonable for him to expect me to move there with him (give up time with my kids, whom I have joint custody, of course not!!). Was it reasonable for me to expect him to stay here in the state (we'd only been dating 3 months), give up a potential big promotion, no! If we'd been married, I'd fully expect such talks to take place, prior to my spouse apply for such jobs. But we were not married, and even if we were, I think it would have been unreasonable for him to expect me to give up my family, move to a foreign country, simply for more money.
I'm just saying, hes either worth the move or hes not. Just as in her eyes, shes either worth staying for, or shes not.
I think what I was hoping would happen was for the OP to come to the conclusion on her own that since the option of her going to be with him is absolutely out of the picture, hes obviously not THE ONE for her. Not right now, anyway. If he leaves, it probably wont be as life shattering as shes anticipating.
I know if I REALLY wanted to be with someone, I'd make it happen, and at my own expense before theirs.
Maybe the (potential) move is for their best individual interests.