Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I am 43 years old and was divorced in January of this year from a man who just wan't meant for me. We had a very cold, distant, removed relationship. I am very happy and relived about the divorce, but still in a way it is still of course a loss. Also this year one of my best friends died with me at his side, I lost my beloved dog of 17 years, there was some uncertainly over my income and where I was going to live for a bit, and I have had career changes also. Also this year I closed the door on a romance from my teenage years which was not emotionally healthy, finally ending the years-long question "what if" and finding out the answer was "thank God it wasn't." At the end of all this tumultuous stuff, I have met who I think is my perfect match. We actually live down the street from one another, which is mostly good, but here at the beginning stages of our relationship (2.5 months) lends itself to us spending a lot of time together easily. We fell for one another very hard, and have so much fun together. We have the same goals and aspirations for our futures, and have talked about discussing moving in together in the future when the time is right, and maybe even marriage. Yes, I know it is soon, but sometimes you just know. My problem: I have always valued my alone time, I need it, and that hasn't changed. And I have always been a very secure person with good self-esteem. But for some reason, these things are taking a hit at the moment. He has assured me time and time again of his feelings for me, and I do not doubt them, but for some reason I am so scared of him pulling the rug out from under me, leaving me. I have NO reason to believe this and he tells me that I am crazy to think so, he has given me no reason to think this will happen EXCEPT he is getting tired of me seeming freaked out that I will lose him. I don't blame him, it is tiring . The only reason I can think of for having this behavior is that I have had so much loss this year that now, at the ripe old age of 43, I have a person in my life that I truly love so very much and love spending time with them, the thought of losing them (irrational) is so overwhelming it is overriding my logic....how do I stop doing this? How can I relax??? He begs me to live in the moment and enjoy the relationship for now, enjoy each other in this early stage, and that we will get to the serious stuff...moving in, etc. ...in a few months when it's a proper time. He says he feels that I am not allowing myself to enjoy what is right now because I am looking down the road at the next thing to make it more permanent (i.e.moving in) and it is causing me distress, when he says we are on the exact same road....just look at the scenery! Help! How do I stop doing this and just relax. I believe this man adores me, but my being afraid to lose him (???) is causing him to think I don't believe him when he tells me his feelings. Aargh! I cannot stop this cycle....
But I had been hurt and felt abandoned twice before and was very protective of my heart. I actually felt myself withdrawing, and even worse, sabotaging our relationship. It would be better for me to push him away than for him to leave me out of the blue. At least if I pushed him away, the loss would be on my terms. I could hold back a piece of my heart, a "seed" so the speak that love maybe be able to grow from sometime in the future.
After a particularly traumatic episode, he told me that the only way I can receive 100% of his heart and love was to give 100% of my heart. I couldn't hold anything back. I had to give 100%. So I did.
I allowed myself to love completely, without reservation, in order to be loved completely and without reservation. That was 15 years ago. He is still my best friend, the one who accepts, loves and supports me unconditionally, no matter what.
I hope you can be able to enjoy what you have and just let it grow.
I will leave you with the words of a song that really struck a chord with me. I heard it for the first time shortly after I gave my heart to my husband and thought "yes, that is exactly how it is".
Don't Tell Me You're Not in Love by George Strait.
I know you're ready, you show all the signs
Your eyes sparkle oh how they shine
But you keep saying
You can't take another heartache
The way you hold me, the way that you move
Your feelings keep showing through
You can't hide it
It's written all over your face
Don't tell me you're not in love
When your heart beats like it does
Your trembling body tells on you
Each time we touch
You can tell me you're afraid
I am too and that's okay
I got eyes, I can see
Baby don't tell me you're not in love
Sweet love songs bring you to tears
Come on baby don't hide in your fear
Let your lips say
What your heart already knows
Your denial is a last thing to fall
The only brick left holding the wall
Don't hold back
Speak with your heart and your soul
Don't tell me you're not in love
When your heart beats like it does
Your trembling body tells on you
Each time we touch
You can tell me you're afraid
I am too and that's okay
I got eyes, I can see
Baby don't tell me you're not in love
Maybe you are having these feelings because instead of taking care of your own life, you have been spending way too much time with him and you are having some loss of control of what you worked hard to achieve after your marriage ended.
You have a chance to find a good, permanent relationship. Most of the time it has to be done wisely and in a smart way. All this rushing around and making plans before you even know the person may end up with you being in a another bad relationship.
Have you had your first major argument yet ? Wait till that happens and then think about whether or not you want to live with this person.
Good luck.
That rebound relationship I mentioned was started immediately after my divorce. He said all the things I needed to hear and I fell for his lines. (Of course he knew all the right things to say b/c as a "friend and shoulder to lean on" during my separation, I confided to him all I my fears, dreams, etc - he just turned all that right around to me at the right time and I was hooked.)
Take time to have this friendship grow, try to limit sexual intimacy if possible b/c that just throws more complications into the mix. I'm not a prude, but I do know from personal experience that when immediately after my divorce, I was starved for love, affection, validation that I was attractive, desirable and of value to someone. It was very easy for me to confuse sexual intimacy with my rebound "fiance" - yes, we quickly became engaged - with real deep lasting love. Don't let your body trick you into thinking a relationship is what it isn't.
I presume you were married for at least several years; Marriage has a way of changing us as individuals. You are not the same person you were prior to becoming married; you are not the same "single lady." Take time to learn how you are now; learn to be single again. It is necessary to find out who we are as a single individual in order to successfully know what we can bring to a union. You have to know what the 2 individual parts consist of in order to determine what union will result when joined.
That turning moment in my relationship with my husband came at about 9-10months into our relationship - when it was clearly apparent that our friendship had grown into love; I was afraid to make a complete commitment to him.
Take your time, enjoy each step of the relationship, don't rush. Because if this is the "real thing" you have all the time in the world.
It wasn't meant to sound that way.
I just made the same dumb mistakes I wish for others to avoid.
I didn't have anyone to talk sense into me.
You have been through enough heartbreak already, of course you want to avoid it and your feelings of anxiety are justified.
Don't be in a rush to dip yourself into this...
Take at least 2 days a week to take care of your stuff - do your laundry, clean the house, go to the gym, meet up with a friend for dinner. Balance is the key.
Hugs