Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I would love to hear some opinions especially from a guy. Or girls who have been in a similar situation. First it is important to note we are not young. I am 37 he is 51. Also important to mention I know 100% he is not cheating. We have been going out for about 6 months. Things for the most part where great but lately not so much. Somewhere along in the last month it seemed everything I was saying was making him tense. Halloween he came over and we had a blow up. Actually more so him than me. He walked out. Did not talk to me most of the next day. I asked him if we were still together and he said he did not know what he wanted he just need time to think. He called me the next morning before work to sayt good morning and he loves me. Ok I think things are normal. Nope he doesn't call like he usually would after work. I call a few times no answer. I left a nice calm message saying what he was doing was not fair to me. You called that morning to say I love you and then not to answer his phone and he was confusing me. I said at the least I deserve to know whats going on and not be left hanging. I am OK with someone needing time if he has stuff going on but to ignore me completely was not fair. He called back. He did not talk long at all with me. Said he loved me just needed to to think. He said it seems like every time I talked to him recently he was getting upset or nervous and he needed to figure out why. He said there was other stuff but he just did not want to go into it right now. Was not sure if he wanted to continue things or work them out. Now I have had guys need a little space now and then but not on whether to stay together or not. This seems a little off to me. I did ask if he could tell me whether he was leaning one way or another. He said he had no idea if he did it would be easier. Then he said as soon as he figures it out he will come over sit me down and talk to me good or bad. Quite honestly this hurts like hell. Sometimes I think the waiting is worse than the answer but then again maybe not if the answer is bad. I guess my question is from an outside point of view do you think I am fooling myself here and that I need to except its over. I cant help but think he already knows the answer he is just struggling with it. I am one of those people that tend to think the worse of a situation though. Need a reality check. Is it over or do guys sometimes really need to figure shit like this out.
When my guy and I were unsure of what to do in continuing the relationship we sat down and talked in person and on the phone. You don't just leave someone out in the cold.
Let us know how it turns out.
This guy is stalling.
I would stop contacting him and get on with my life.
Don't let him hold all the cards.
Be glad you found this out about him after 6 months instead of 6 years.
After writing this I gave him one more day of the whole ignoring me not wanting to talk to me then I called him and said enough. Instead of feeling sad I got a back bone. I asked what was going on is it over etc.... He started in on the whole I am confused don't what to do etc.. My response was if you wanted to break-up you would have done it already so you need to stop trying to figure out if you want to be with me and lets move on to figuring out whats going on and if it can be fixed. Usually I am not that aggressive but I was tired of it and from the sound of his voice he had not slept well in days(which he had not). It took next to nothing to get him to go OK which pretty much confirmed to he really did not want to split up. We agreed to talk after a few days in person about the issues and until that point just be nice and talk normal and let things calm down. We did talk after a few days. This is what the whole thing came down to. I said something in what I thought was a joking matter and he took it dead serious. After that point everything I said he looked at differently.
In the first week or two of dating we had made our long term intentions clear in what we both wanted. We both wanted to be in a relationship that is long term, possible, marriage,children etc...That does not mean we expect it out of each other instantly just that if the other is only looking for short term or a type of situation where you live here I live there and we can date forever then we would not be match. A few months in the relationship we started talking about preferred roles. His preferred role is hes the guy if he needs to work 3 jobs so be it. He would prefer to come home hand the check to his girl have the house clean, food cooked, bills paid, appointments made shopping done :) you get the idea. He said he was OK with the other 50/50 way just given the choice he was old fashioned. Not a problem with me. My mom stayed home and when my husband was alive i stayed home and took care of him. Given the choice I would much rather deal with one guy than a boss,customers, etc..Here where the problem happened. Since my husband passed away 6 years ago I let my house go. Not like so bad you would see it on a tv show but its pretty bad. Shelves crowded dust everywhere,toys from when my son was younger still all over my bedroom floor,etc.... The only complaint this guy has ever had with me is the house bothered him and he thought I was hooked on an MMO(computer game) and I was ignoring other things in my life. He made it clear he could not live in a home that he had to clean for days before inviting a friend over. Ok fair enough and truthfully he might have been correct. I stuck myself in that game after I lost my husband and did let a lot of things go. So I started to clean and declutter. After six years of letting it go its going to take awhile and to be honest the job is frustrating. On one of those days I was frustrated because it seemed no matter how much I did it was not looking better I made the joke to him "you know maybe we should just not move in ever. We can both live in our own houses and just date for the rest of our lives and I wont have to clean". I assumed he knew I was teasing since we had already made it clear to each other what we hoped to see happen long term. I assumed wrong. That was what that whole mess was about. He thought I would pick not having to go to the trouble of cleaning over having more with him. After that everything I said got to him. My mom had just passed recently so I was not in the best of moods either so that aggravated the situation. So this is what we have learnt. We already knew our backgrounds where extremely different and we have had minor issues with that but it seems our communications skills and how we joke are very different also. Its nothing that cannot be over come we have already came a long way but it is going to take communicating and giving and taking until we can find a happy middle ground for both of us. Simple things like with guys in the past I could not ask them some serious questions straight out. I would have to kind of come at it softly from the side and get my answer by asking indirect questions. I cannot do that with him. It makes him feel like I am trying to manipulate or be sneaky or trip him up and he instantly would go on the defensive. So from now on when I have issues I think ahead of time to figure out what it is I really want to ask and need to know and ask him in a direct manner. He of coarse has to get used to me and make his own adjustments also. Not ready to call the moving van yet but I think there is still a great possibility that it could get to that point eventually is we keep improving.