Healthy Relationships Support Group
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My significant other and I had a fight a few weeks back. I asked him where our future was going and if he ever thought about moving in together. I thought this was a reasonable question to ask because we have been together nearly three years. But he blew up on me and said he didnt want to live with anyone and said some other hurtful things in the process that arent really relevant to my question of the reason I write. He never gave me an explanation of why he didnt want to move in together, just that he didnt.
We broke up last weekend, but in the process of trying to talk and communicate these last couple of days (something we hadnt been doing well lately). He told me that the reason he didnt want to move in together (take that next step) was because he has a large family where he has seen everyone one of his sisters and their husbands get divorced, even after being married for a long time. He said it took them a long time to become friends again after these divorces. He also said he had lived alone in the past and with a room mate and failed both times and had to move back in with his parents. He said now that he is out on his own again, he needs to prove to himself that he can make it on his own, and also that he needs to feel like we can be a team before we move in together.
Do his reasons seem legit? The reason I ask even though it seems like its after the fact (since we broke up) is because I have a feeling we might take steps to work this out. I was never in a rush to move in together, but since we have been together for nearly three years I wanted to know where we are heading and if he saw a future with us. Truthfully, we dont see each other but once a week because of his job and I dont want to be in a relationship where its always going to be that way. Just one day a week with my significant other and thats it for the next two, three or four years while he figures out if he can be on his own. He has been on his own now since April 2012 (over two years). How long is reasonable time to give him? How do I determine when/if his reasons are just excuses?
I am so confused and want to try to understand better before I reach out and try again... I need to know if its time to move on.
We broke up last weekend, but in the process of trying to talk and communicate these last couple of days (something we hadnt been doing well lately). He told me that the reason he didnt want to move in together (take that next step) was because he has a large family where he has seen everyone one of his sisters and their husbands get divorced, even after being married for a long time. He said it took them a long time to become friends again after these divorces. He also said he had lived alone in the past and with a room mate and failed both times and had to move back in with his parents. He said now that he is out on his own again, he needs to prove to himself that he can make it on his own, and also that he needs to feel like we can be a team before we move in together.
Do his reasons seem legit? The reason I ask even though it seems like its after the fact (since we broke up) is because I have a feeling we might take steps to work this out. I was never in a rush to move in together, but since we have been together for nearly three years I wanted to know where we are heading and if he saw a future with us. Truthfully, we dont see each other but once a week because of his job and I dont want to be in a relationship where its always going to be that way. Just one day a week with my significant other and thats it for the next two, three or four years while he figures out if he can be on his own. He has been on his own now since April 2012 (over two years). How long is reasonable time to give him? How do I determine when/if his reasons are just excuses?
I am so confused and want to try to understand better before I reach out and try again... I need to know if its time to move on.
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
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I was recently separated from my wife of 33 years and it's complicated. Anyway I rented a room about 15 minutes away and I see my kids about once a week. I see the people who own the house I live in once in a while but other than that I stay in my room where I do my cooking, wash dishes in the shower, read, color, and sleep. I get out at least once a day. I grocery shop and I attend 2 meetings...
You want a relationship that progresses, and from what it sounds like, eventually leads to marriage.
He has given you reasons why he has no desire to do such things.
Its not fair for you to expect what he wants will change.
If after three years, he doesnt feel theres a partnership -- that you are a team, when will he?
Due to my fiance's schedule, we are really only together Saturday and Sunday. He works M-F from 11:30 am to about 1am. For us it works; others may not like a weekend romance. So I won't say there's anything wrong with your one day a week relationship. However, that said, it has to work for you too. For me, I was divorced and on my own for some years before meeting my fiance and loved my independence. I liked the fact his job afforded me time to myself alone and time with my children, alone. If you are not okay with this as a forever thing, I wouldn't work to get the relationship back as you should proceed as though his job will never change or resentments come down the road. You resenting him for being gone so much and, possibly, him resenting you if you push him to change career paths or jobs.
If I were in your shoes, I would proceed as though there was no intention of getting back together. If it happens or the situation presents itself that it might, worry about it then, however, don't purposefully get yourself on what could become a very bumpy emotional roller coaster. I honestly think he's had plenty of time to "grow up" by himself and this is just an easy excuse not to commit.
~Michelle
This would be a major deal breaker for me. I want a partner, someone to share my life with, not just have a sleepover once a week.
You have been patient. I think once you start dating someone else he will change his mind..
Hope you will be happy, no matter what happens.
You can't control him. You can only control you! Why should he have everything the way he wants it, while you aren't getting what you want?
No need to get angry or nasty about it.. I would just tell him how it is.. Tell him as of this time. You will be considering yourself single and opening up YOUR options for finding someone who might want a more committed type of relationship.
I agree with Aronia. . He will be singing a different tune once he sees you dating.
God Bless!
A man's perspective (ahem): Yep! Sounds legit to me! Living together is not for everybody, living together inevitably leads to marriage, and since divorce is already on his mind, maybe he feels he'll quickly despise and grow hostile toward you (as he already has when confronted about this) if he sees you EVERY DAY.
Plus I can see what he's saying about the emotions in a relationship distracting him from making his own money that he needs to stand on his own two feet. He may become an emotionally crippled dead-beat if you move in and take over the reins of the household.
So, as the other ladies said, since you desire more than a one-day-a-week hookup, are you going to date other men who have a similar relationship vision?
So, you need to decide if you want to wait on this guy, who may never want to live with you, or find someone more compatible. I think I would personally jump ship as I couldn't deal with the once a week thing indefinitely. It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. Girlfriend/sex but still free to do what he wants the other 6 days.
" I like having a once a week connection while still being free and having all my options open"
Right on the money, couldn't say anything better. Spirit11, you should watch the movie, "He's just not that into you." It's a great movie.