Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi,
So I am having difficulty understanding why I am having strong feelings for somebody outside of my relationship that I have only just met.
I am a 27 year old guy and I have been going out with my girlfriend for a little over 3 years. I am in love with her and things are good. We have plans for the future and I didn't expect at all to ever have strong feelings for another. The relationship has always been a little bit long distance but we see each other very regularly and it has never been a major issue. Unfortunately I will be traveling abroad after graduating to teach English for 6 months in Asia so we will only see each other for 1 week during this period. We had plans afterwards to finally go and live in the same place. The relationship has had it's ups and downs but for the last year it has been steady and I was happy.
So, to my surprise, 3 weeks before I am leaving to go away I met somebody that I had a strong connection with. I as visiting an old friend for the night to catch up in his apartment in the city. We had a few drinks and later his new girlfriend came around. She had taken her friend who was visiting. Anyway, we all went out to the pub and after to a nightclub. I suppose because my friend was with his girlfriend we were pushed together a little bit but I could feel a huge attraction to her and we got along really well. Obviously with alcohol you forget a bit about your relationship and allow the flirting to happen. This girl is also in a relationship so both of us were doing the same thing. Nothing happened in the end because I guess I would never do that to my girlfriend but we did stay up talking all night together back in the apartment and it was very intimate. We had alot of fun and there was alot of chemistry between us. Waking up the next day I realised I went a bit far with this girl emotionally. I know we didn't kiss or sleep together or anything but we came very close.
So for the last few days I can't stop thinking about her. There is no chance of anything happening as she lives in a different country and I will probably never see her again. I messaged her a bit on facebook out of curiosity but her replies were quite short so I decided to leave it. I feel guilty for having these feelings for her. I know it is stupid because I am with somebody. I know I love my girlfriend, we have been through alot and i would never leave her over some short crush I had. I am just confused why I am having so much feeling for the other girl that I met. Maybe it was the excitement of meeting somebody new. Maybe that excitement is not in my relationship anymore. I feel a bit strange talking to my girlfriend now. I'm not sure what to do.
Apologies if this seems a little trivial, I'm sure there are far more difficult relationship problems occurring with people but any feedback would be appreciated.
So I am having difficulty understanding why I am having strong feelings for somebody outside of my relationship that I have only just met.
I am a 27 year old guy and I have been going out with my girlfriend for a little over 3 years. I am in love with her and things are good. We have plans for the future and I didn't expect at all to ever have strong feelings for another. The relationship has always been a little bit long distance but we see each other very regularly and it has never been a major issue. Unfortunately I will be traveling abroad after graduating to teach English for 6 months in Asia so we will only see each other for 1 week during this period. We had plans afterwards to finally go and live in the same place. The relationship has had it's ups and downs but for the last year it has been steady and I was happy.
So, to my surprise, 3 weeks before I am leaving to go away I met somebody that I had a strong connection with. I as visiting an old friend for the night to catch up in his apartment in the city. We had a few drinks and later his new girlfriend came around. She had taken her friend who was visiting. Anyway, we all went out to the pub and after to a nightclub. I suppose because my friend was with his girlfriend we were pushed together a little bit but I could feel a huge attraction to her and we got along really well. Obviously with alcohol you forget a bit about your relationship and allow the flirting to happen. This girl is also in a relationship so both of us were doing the same thing. Nothing happened in the end because I guess I would never do that to my girlfriend but we did stay up talking all night together back in the apartment and it was very intimate. We had alot of fun and there was alot of chemistry between us. Waking up the next day I realised I went a bit far with this girl emotionally. I know we didn't kiss or sleep together or anything but we came very close.
So for the last few days I can't stop thinking about her. There is no chance of anything happening as she lives in a different country and I will probably never see her again. I messaged her a bit on facebook out of curiosity but her replies were quite short so I decided to leave it. I feel guilty for having these feelings for her. I know it is stupid because I am with somebody. I know I love my girlfriend, we have been through alot and i would never leave her over some short crush I had. I am just confused why I am having so much feeling for the other girl that I met. Maybe it was the excitement of meeting somebody new. Maybe that excitement is not in my relationship anymore. I feel a bit strange talking to my girlfriend now. I'm not sure what to do.
Apologies if this seems a little trivial, I'm sure there are far more difficult relationship problems occurring with people but any feedback would be appreciated.
What you do about it is what matters and IMO you did nothing wrong. I would stop all contact with her, no FB, no emails, etc. and just leave it alone.
If you feel the excitement isn't in your relationship anymore, bring back the excitement. The energy you're using on thinking about this other woman, redirect that energy towards your g/f and your relationship.
Thanks for the advice, I think stopping any pointless pursuit is the best idea.
Thanks again for feedback, I feel a bit more clear just typing this stuff out.
i agree with the others. stop all contact with this other girl and use your energy to focus on your gf, your relationship, and yourself.
and you never know.. maybe this time away is what you need right now. maybe you'll miss her and really realize that you have something great and you'll be excited to go home to her.
good luck!
There are two completely different kinds of love. There is the initial 'wow, bang, zoom!' thing that happens in the beginning of a relationship. There is a second kind of love which is what happens after a relationship has been going on for a while. This second love is based more on familiarity, companionship, mutual support, and so forth. This happens to pretty much every couple with very, very few exceptions.
These two different types of love impact completely different parts of your brain and in fact use completely different neurotransmitters with very different effects.
So what that all means is that when you compare the girl you met last night with someone you've been in a relationship for years, you are comparing apples and oranges. There is virtually no way to have the same feelings for an established partner; that part of your brain has switched off for that person. Unfortunate that it is this way, but it is.
As the poets would say, love is a decision. You need to make that decision. You can go with a good relationship you've developed that has matured, or go for the hot steamy stuff that may or may not turn into anything. Be aware though, that what's hot and steamy today isn't going to be like that forever either.
I also want to add that this is not the last time you are faced with temptation. Things like that happen all the time.
And another thing, being crazy in love, swimming in the pheromone cloud, is not a guarantee that a relationship will work. It takes more than just love to keep it going.