If this is long and rambling, I apologize. Maybe it is best saved as a journal entry. The reason I am making it a thread though is because the support of others has been very helpful for me. Also, I think some people may be able to relate to this....


Have you ever felt haunted by someone who was once in your life? There was a time that you wanted them there, and maybe when that time was up you weren't even ready. Even so, you put on your big girl (or boy!) panties and tried to move on because you had no other choice. This other person didn't want you there, for whatever reason, and so you worked on trying to mold a life without them. Then you start noticing something. You can't escape this person. The remains of this person is everywhere. Maybe it is because of something huge, like you sharing kids together. Maybe it's that their favorite song has a pesky way of always showing up on the radio when you are in the car. Maybe their stuff is still at your house. Maybe you need to change your entire daily routine because they were so much a part of it. The person is long gone. They are living what, in your (probably) negatively distorted mind, is a fabulous existence without you. But their ghost is there. And it creeps up when you least expect it, reigniting the depression and uncomfortable feelings you were hoping were gone.

I think alot of us can identify with this, I know I can. But as similar as my current situation is to what I outlined above, it is also very different. You see, my "person" was also someone who makes their living as an entertainer, on television and the radio. We had, what I thought, was a fabulous relationship. Until I wanted more. Then he broke it off and I have not heard from him since. That was 5 months ago. I went through the normal stages of grieving a lost relationship; anger, depression, regret, even some self loathing. By the first of the year, I thought I had turned a corner. I was no longer thinking of him constantly, my depression had improved, and I started getting excited about possibly dating again. But then the haunting started. I couldn't turn on the television without seeing a commercial with his face. He was on the radio, too. Pictures of him started surfacing on popular blogs that I always liked to visit. I would always turn it off or tune it out as soon as it happened, but usually it was too late. He penetrated my brain again and I was off the rails.

Then the whopper of triggers happened this week. I am preparing to start a new job. It is a huge promotion from my current position, and is at an agency that is nationally recognized. I should be on top of the world, right? I went in for the obligatory pre-employment physical and drug test without a care in the world. I am healthy and drug free (another thing to be happy about) so what could possibly go wrong? Since it is a huge agency they were hiring a ton of people at once, so my time in the waiting room lasted an hour to an hour and a half. Usually this would just be a minor annoyance, but then it happened. The movie being shown as entertainment in the waiting room was a movie starring my ex. I spiraled. I can barely stand a 30 second commercial spot and now I have to sit through an entire movie?? I couldn't leave. I couldn;t ask the staff to turn it off (I didn't want to look demanding--or even worse crazy--at a place I was just hired) So I sat there. I texted friends to try and talk me through it, but it wasn't helpful enough. By the time I went back for my physical, my blood pressure and pulse were through the roof. The nurse was extremely concerned.

That night I couldn't sleep. It was like the night we broke up all over again. I sat up and tried to counter my negative thoughts with positive ones. My heart and my head are still at war. I went to work (not the new job) the next day and when a friend/colleague benignly asked how I was doing, I shoved two cupcakes in my mouth and burst into tears. That night, I went to another friend's house and downed a bottle of wine. Not the best coping strategies, I know. Nothing else seemed to do it though. I feel like I am back at square one. I keep battling the same awful self deprecating thoughts "I missed out on 'The One'" "He's the best thing that ever happened to me." "If I had just not pushed so hard he would still be here." I feel like absolute shit. I broke down and texted him for the first time in three months. I couldn't even get a response from him. I feel absolutely pathetic and worthless.

I wish I could end this entry on a better note. I wish I could tell you all that I overcame this "haunting" and that I feel stronger and better for have gone through it. Hopefully that is an addendum I can put on later. But for right now, I feel like the girl in the horror movie hiding in the closet while the murderer is searching her bedroom. I can't escape my head and I can't escape my heart.